WILKES-BARRE, Pa. She's thrown everything at him but the kitchen sink, most recently allegations that he can't win the big states, and yet Hillary Clinton finds her lead over Barack Obama in this critical primary state dwindling to four percentage points in the most recent polls. "It's time to go nuclear," said Ann Lewis, senior advisor to the former First Lady. "Expect a bombshell."
"I would never accuse my opponent of having big ears, but I have no evidence that he doesn't."
Sources close to Clinton say she will unveil a three-pronged attack against her rival at a news conference tomorrow in a last-ditch effort to achieve the goal she's been aiming for since she finished second in a race for Park Ridge Elementary School third-grade class president in 1955. An internal white paper prepared by ousted campaign strategist Mark Penn outlines talking points for the stretch run to the Democratic National Convention:
Think about it--have you ever seen these three in the same room together?
1. With those big ears, he looks like Alfred E. Neuman, or maybe Shrek.
In a general election, Senator Obama would be subject to embarassing comparisons to Shrek and Alfred E. Neuman, two fictional objects of ridicule in American popular culture. Senator Clinton does not have green skin, and has never appeared on the cover of Mad Magazine.
"And what exactly are you going to do about it?"
2. He can't be trusted on the environment because he throws cigarette butts out his car window.
Senator Obama is an unreformed smoker who has been caught on videotape throwing cigarette butts out his driver-side window. He will be attacked by Republicans accusing him of hypocrisy, littering, contributing to global warming and "smoker's breath". Senator Clinton has never smoked, never inhaled, and never had any alcoholic beverage stronger than white wine, although she has had lesbian love affairs with the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, and Princess Leia in an upcoming "Star Wars" pre-quel.
"Hey B-Bama--give up the damn ball, man!"
3. In addition to being a lousy bowler, Senator Obama is a "shoot first" point guard in pickup basketball games, and not a team player.
Senator Obama's turnover-to-assist ratio is the highest of any federal elected official, and he often excuses ill-advised moves to the basket as "creating opportunities". Contrary to his campaign biography, he is the illegitimate son of Norm Van Lier, a Chicago Bulls guard of the 1970's, known for his slashing drives that resulted in turnovers rather than field goals or foul shots.
Norm Van Lier
"If you want a hair-trigger finger on the nuclear suitcase they bring you at 3 o'clock in the morning after they're through watching 'Best Damn Sports Show Period'," Senator Clinton said to a group of Democratic superdelegates, "vote for my opponent. But vote for me if you want a 'pass-first' president who will make the other players around her better."
Copyright 2008, Con Chapman
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Comments: 6
Fact 1
She never landed on a plane under a hail of sniper fire as she claimed, then was quoted saying, "I may have mis-spoke." Where I come from that would be caught in a ball faced lie.
Fact 2
Her Senate campaign lost 2 million dollars raised by Peter Paul, and Stan Lee. Yeah that is right 2 million dollars. She claimed she never knew anything about it, but when pictures surfaced of her standing with the two millionaires, the case was placed in front of a judge her husband appointed to the bench. (imagine that)
Fact 3
By her own admission in a debate most of us saw, she stated she would mandate every American buy health insurance. She never stated she would force insurance companies to lower their rates, but did state she would take your wages and fine you if you refused to buy, or couldn't afford to buy insurance. (can you really afford to lose more of your check? I know I can't.)
Fact 4
She sided with President Bush. She gave him the choice of sending in troops to Iraq. Then voted against funding the troops that are on the ground in harm's way. Obama was against it from the start, but has voted to keep the troops supplied. At least he wants to give them something other than rocks to throw at the enemy.
There are more, but I am sure you get the point. Hillary Clinton= more lies from the office, more jobs sent overseas, more factories shut down, more scandal in the oval office.
When that 3am phone call comes in to the white house, I want it to be about business, not, "did you know Bill was over at Jane Doe's house again?"
Hillary versus McCaine would be like Satan versus Damian from the Omen!!!! America will perish in the next ten years.....I can't believe how stupid Americans are.....they had a one in a million chance to elect the most honest, and Constitutional person we have had in decades, and they failed!!! Americans are too stupid to spot honesty, and bother to check to see who is honest! Dr. Ron Paul should be a winner by a landslide!!!! He never voted for a tax increase in 20 years. He is an OBGYN doctor who delivered over 2000 babies! That alone should have got him in! He is against the unConstitutional Federal Reserve, and income tax system, that were voted in by bankers bribing congress back in 1913. He is for a sound monetary system that would not have allowed gasoline to go to 3.50$ a gallon....He is the only candidate who wanted to change our foreign policy to a non-interventionist type, and close most of our foreign bases, and bring our soldiers home to protect our homeland! HE DID NOT VOTE FOR THE IRAQ DEBACLE!!!!! He is a candidate that we may never have again....and Americans were to dumbed down by the media, to vote him in....He is the Thomas Jefferson of the 2000's and we let him lose......All of this is a moot point, because Americans will never decide an election from here on out since we have electronic voting that is 100% insecure.....We have become so stupid as a nation, that we don't even demand a receipt for who we voted for! I get a receipt when I buy a 2x4 at Lowes, but no receipt for my vote in an election that could determine the fate of the world? We live in some very peculiar times.....Americans have become so dumbed down by our government....just what they want....more slaves......
We are so far in debt as a country, that every citizen now owes about $30,000 in federal debt....try paying that off while working at Walmart!
My advice to ALL Americans is to exit the stock market as quickly as possible...even your retirement plans! Invest in Gold or a Foreign currency that is stable.... when the US stock market crashes, and it will, then jump in! And buy anything like Walmart!!!!! You will be a zillionaire if you time it right!!
Serious stuff however. She will throw in the nasties in about week as she's done as soon as she started losing
Love the article though Con~!