by Karen M.
Member since:
March 7, 2007

Why Can't I Miss My Dad?

April 09, 2008 07:38 PM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 46

Today at work, the question came up about people from our past that we miss either because they have left the area, passed away, or a variety of other reasons. I stated that I missed my dad before he was ill with Alzheimers and one of my coworkers stated that if he is still alive, I couldn't miss him. I disagreed, but it wasn't worth debating about, I mean after all, I know what I miss and what I don't miss.

 

What do you think? Is there a reason that I can't miss my dad even though I see him every day?

Comments: 46

Peter Joseph Swanson Apr 9, 2008, 7:41pm UTC
?????????????
Karen M. Apr 9, 2008, 7:43pm UTC
Hey Peter...long time no see...what is with the question marks....LOL
Matine H. Apr 9, 2008, 7:44pm UTC
Yes. I can't stand when someone makes comments like that. Just like you said, you know what you miss and what you don't miss. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and I missed her. She wasn't the same person, mentally. She passed a few years ago and I still miss her.
Susan S. Apr 9, 2008, 7:55pm UTC
you are allowed to feel what you feel
Jill~Sexy Back~ V. Apr 9, 2008, 7:57pm UTC
I agree that nobody can tell you what's ok to feel. You know whether or not you missed him....to hell with someone who can't understand that
Lisa J Apr 9, 2008, 8:04pm UTC
Illnesses like that are the worst. You do miss them. Though there are good moments and good days, the confused days only make it more obvious what is lacking...

Go right ahead and miss him. Pray your coworker never had to understand through personal experience.
Connie C. Apr 9, 2008, 8:28pm UTC
Karen,
So many people do not understand what it feels like to really miss someone. They do not have to be deceased to miss them. That is what happens when you love someone, you miss them......... anytime and anywhere. I just cant imagine not going through the day without missing someone. So many people have made an impact on my personal life. They made me what I am today and I think of them often. Even when they are alive. :)
Elaine S. Apr 9, 2008, 8:29pm UTC
I think you will miss him after all the dad you once knew is really no longer with you
Brian T. Apr 9, 2008, 8:35pm UTC
I kind of understand, I've never been in your shoes but I've always loved to share old times and with my parents when they were alive and they understood all of them. If they couldn't I would have felt that they were still my parents but that they didn't know me.
Marianne R. Apr 9, 2008, 8:57pm UTC
I totally understand. My grandmother was "gone" long before she died from the same disease. So I can totally relate since a person with Alzheimers isn't the person you once knew.
meg pattinson Apr 9, 2008, 9:00pm UTC
i saw Marianne commented on this & i just had too.. i agree i miss my grandmother.. & she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year ago.. she is a completely different person.. it's so heart breaking to watch her go through this.. it is a horrible disease.
Andrea "slackermom" R. Apr 9, 2008, 9:09pm UTC
I missed my grandmother with Alzheimer's for years before she passed away. She wasn't herself and she didn't even know who any of us were. The woman I loved was gone; of course I missed her.
Wilma D. Apr 9, 2008, 9:47pm UTC
Yep. I miss my mom and I talked to her last weekend. But she's not at all the same since she had brain aneurisms.
Jean, just the teensiest bit odd, F. Apr 9, 2008, 10:56pm UTC
ABSOLUTELY! These people who told you that cannot, it seems, recognize the difference between the "body" and the "mind/soul/personality" of a person! I would say that they are just too young to have experienced this type of loss yet... They will learn... In the meantime, you are gaining the depth of feeling that a true human being should have... Feel sorry for them.
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Heather - child of God, C. Apr 10, 2008, 12:49am UTC
You miss the person he was, he is different now. This happens in many people. My father in law was never the same after his stroke, before he went dancing and played golf, and afterwards he and his world changed. The happy optimistic man was depressed and sad and his "normal" life was ripped out from under him. My mother had altheimers for years and wasn't the same. I would tell her things about herself to try and remind her and maybe spark some memories and she would ask me how could I know.

Your coworker was insensitive, or ignorant. Ignore her and chalk it up as stupidity. You have every right to miss the person your Dad was, even if he is still here. It is a heartbreak when this happens. Don't let her rudeness invalidate your feelings.
Patty H. Apr 10, 2008, 10:14pm UTC
I cant understand why someone would say you couldnt miss him because you see him everyday. You miss who he was and the talks you use to have. He is not the same father you always remembered.

Maybe they dont understand someone with Alzheimers and how it effects them. Hopefully they never will. If they do understand it, then im with Heather on this one, they are insensitive or ignorant or both.
Jo C. Apr 11, 2008, 3:07pm UTC
My experience with people I love who've changed due to illness, especially mood changes, is that I DO miss them or the person I used to know. I adjust and try to find what remains of the person I knew....but I grieve as well.

Of course, I miss parts of myself that used to be there too. My belly button seems to have slipped from its former place to a lower place on my stomach. Such shifts cause identity shifts. At least it is still (for now, I just checked to be sure) an innie belly button. I don't really care if it is an innie or outie but I'm not great with sudden changes.

For instance, if I gained 50 pounds overnight, I'd be upset.
Jo C. Apr 11, 2008, 3:07pm UTC
On that note, I think I'll put down the cookies now....
Marilyn M. Apr 11, 2008, 7:11pm UTC
Of course you can miss him! My dad had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. For Pete's sake, early on when his Alzheimer's meds were working...even he missed himself...the way he once was.

My mom's lights went out after Dad died. Sadly, her dementia isn't something that can be fixed - even temporarily - with prescriptions. Her mind is gone, but they tell us her body is strong and she could live another 10+ years like that. (She just turned 79.)
CyberGwen ! Apr 12, 2008, 4:46pm UTC
That is hogwash! Of course you can miss him! Every time I saw my grandfather, who had Alzheimer's, it was like someone had stolen another piece of him.

I just read some of Reagan's speeches and the phrase "The Long Goodbye" really fits.

You can miss him.
A N. Apr 18, 2008, 5:31pm UTC
You can miss whoever you want to miss. Tell the coworker to go get a life for himself
Karolyn Q. Apr 20, 2008, 8:02am UTC
You can certainly miss him. That is not your father but the shell of the man you knew. I know. When I introduced my husband to my mother I didn't realize she didn't know who I was. At the end of the night, she told me she was happy to meet me and that she enjoyed talking with me. That I must have good parents because I seemed like a very nice person. It ripped my heart out then at the age of 30 and still makes me cry. It wasn't my mom then. She was gone.
necee t. Apr 20, 2008, 8:22pm UTC
absolutely... you miss the man you knew.... now he may not even remember you and that's a horrible lost feeling... i'm sorry for your pain... God bless you and him...
Fern Cohen Apr 26, 2008, 6:50pm UTC
When a person is stricken with Alzheimer's, s/he is never the same. Usually they don't know their own families. The dad you knew had a storehouse of memories, and a history with you. He is not that person anymore. He may look like the dad you grew up with, but he isn't. You can't relate to him the same way, and he can't relate to you at all; in fact he may not even know you. It's like that classic movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", in which alien peapods take over people's minds and souls. Alzheimers cruelly steals the soul.
DIANE D. May 12, 2008, 12:53pm UTC
This so sad!
Lindsey S. May 26, 2008, 12:25am UTC
I totally understand. They are not the same person as they were before so I totally get where you are coming from.
suey v. May 26, 2008, 9:09pm UTC
My father-inlaw and I were very close. When he first started to forget I thought (he is old, It's allright). When It got worse we took him to the DR. They put him on a new drug (Aracept). It worked wonders for a year and a half (we had dad back). It was only a temporary solution but I wouldn't give that time back for any money. He has been gone now for over 5 years and I still miss him. I also missed him when he slipped back int himself. Hug and kiss him and still cry for what was!
Kelly M. May 26, 2008, 9:30pm UTC
You can certainly miss the man he was before... how inconsiderate of someone to say that.
Swimming With The Tide O. May 26, 2008, 11:46pm UTC
We miss what we miss. No one can tell us other wise because they are not in our skin. I have some people who I miss very much, a few whom are still alive.
Amanda "middle of nowhere" C. May 28, 2008, 12:20am UTC
Karen, I'll just add my support to those already posted. While you see your dad everyday and you're such a good daughter to meet his needs. Physically, he may look like your dad. His personality, his memories, and so many of the things that made you special are gone. It's only natural to miss those. Take care of yourself.
j - Frugal Mom - r. Jun 1, 2008, 10:26pm UTC
Of course you can miss him.
My mother lived with ALS for more than five years, and during the last years I really missed my mom. Now that she is gone, I have so many memories of her, and most of them are from the time before she got ALS.
Terry M. Jun 1, 2008, 10:28pm UTC
A agree with you.
Faith S. Jun 2, 2008, 11:24am UTC
I have to say, I agree with the co-worker of yours and I guess I can agree with you too. The reason I agree with your co-worker is because when my father was dying of lung cancer in 2000, I tried to cry on multiple occasions while he was still alive but I wasn't able to. Even though I could see my father struggling day to day to survive while his health continued to deteriorate more and more, I could never cry and there were songs that came on the radio that reminded me of him and the person he was, but I could never cry. Part of me couldn't cry because his soul hadn't left his body and I felt a disconnect. What I'm trying to say is, your father is still here and you believe that he's in there somewhere. You have hope for him to come out of this disease. I also agree with everyone else when you say that no one can tell you whether or not you can miss someone and the other part of you do miss him because the mental part of your dad that you grew up with is now gone. However, I do wish you and your family only the very best!
~*~ Dimples~*~
**AngelEyez** a. Jun 2, 2008, 7:08pm UTC
I cant say I know what you feel on this but dont feel bad about it you cant help how you feel ,, I miss my dad he is in Ny so I miss him terribly but I GET TO SEE him in september.
M M. Jun 2, 2008, 8:58pm UTC
Emotions are not right or wrong. They are just feelings. Each of us our different, and react to the same situations differently. Do not analize your feelings honey. God bless you.
Amy C. Jun 3, 2008, 8:25am UTC
First off your coworker should have never said that to you because evidently he or she has no idea what Alzheimers is....

I can understand why you miss your dad. It is tough seeing this person you love so much and knowing that he may or may not remember who you are. The talks that you want to have with him may never happen because he may not understand what you are saying. Yes you can miss him ! Good luck to you I know how hard it is having a loved one with Alzheimers it is a tough road.
The last few times I saw my father (who had Alzheimers) I missed him the whole time we were together. He was still "him" but no longer there for me like he had always been. He remembered me, but thought my son was a tiny tot, and would become obsessed over telling me tiny details of things which happened long before I was born but which he thought I should remember. I could not talk to him like I once could, and I missed him so very much.
Lera M. Jun 4, 2008, 9:08pm UTC
You can most definitely miss someone even when they're there. I missed my mom and she was still alive. But she had cancer and sometimes she was confused and disorientated. And sometimes she was really drugged up. I missed her when she was like that because she just wasn't herself.

Those are YOUR feelings and no one should tell you how to feel or that you can't feel that way.
Randall C. Jun 5, 2008, 8:11pm UTC
Boy,lots of comments. I started to miss my dad, when I knew he wouldn't live long. He got to where he couldn't speak or write, and it was just me talking to him. I knew he understood, but there was no reply. I wanted him to communicate with me, but it was not to be. So yes, you can miss someone, even though they are still with us.
Tina b. Jun 6, 2008, 5:33am UTC
I certainly agree with the comments above that you can miss what he used to be, the relationship that you had and how things have changed. It is part of the grieving process.
Tony went through a similiar thing with his mom before Alzheimers took her. It is so sad.
Genine Hopkins Jun 6, 2008, 8:23am UTC
My daughter-in-law recently dealt with her grandmother's stroke. Before the doctors knew what was wrong with her inability to remember people and activities, they were suggesting Alzheimer's. For three days we dealt with her emotional coping of "losing" her grandmother to the disease and could identify with the pain she was going through. I completely understand your statement and pray for you to have the strength to continue loving your father while dealing with the disease. God Bless!
Angie G. Jun 6, 2008, 5:15pm UTC
Of course you can miss him even though you see him everyday. You miss who he used to be before Alzheimers took over his mind. You miss him being able to recongize you and the memories that you ahd.
Alex in Wonderland Aug 22, 2008, 10:57am UTC
You can miss the way he used to be. Altzheimer's really changes a person.
flit . Aug 22, 2008, 11:01am UTC
of course you miss your Dad.... the person that suggested otherwise is rather limited in real life experience, I think.

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