On Monday I'm adopting a weight reducing lifestyle. Again. Yawn. Yes, I know, so let's not get too caught up in that tiresome over-worked issue...
Instead I'm here to discuss the next four nights during which I have ample time to go ape-shit with my favourite high carbohydrate foods. The ones I'll be discarding into the 'none of my business' pile from Monday.
Tonight it will be potatoes. Simply boiled, coated in butter, salted and then smothered in chicken gravy. (When I win the lotto I intend to set up a foundation for research into making a perfect gravy that can beÂ produced without using carbohydrates.) I might even have the leftover potatoes and gravy on sandwiches for lunch tomorrow. That will take care of the bread aspect of this sacred time for bidding adieu. Oh, hold on. I should squeeze in a tomato sandwich before Monday as well. Lots of salt and pepper, the bread heavily buttered with thin slices of a tomato that was grown in someone's garden. (Therefore it will spookily taste like... a tomato.) This is the most sensible use of bread ever invented in my opinion.
A more energetic approach to a potato finale would be my famous Naughty PotatoesÂ recipe, but that would involve a whole bunch more slicing, chopping and waiting than I'm prepared to undertake right now.
Tomorrow night will be nachos. What's nice is that even after starting my 'weight reducing lifestyle' from Monday I can still eat sour cream, avocado, cheese and chili beef, there'll just be none of the corn chips or salsa. So tomorrow I'll have some intimate moments with corn chips and salsa just so they'll know how fondly I shall miss them.
Saturday night will see me chowing down with a rich chicken curryÂ on a bed of, da da daaaaaaaa: jasmine rice! Bye bye rice. I will very much miss you rice. You know how much I love you, how important a part of my life you've been. But we must part ways at this time. Trust me when I say it's not you, it's me.
Some time over the weekend I will have my final toast with vegemite.Â This is a cultural imperative that requires no further discussion. But, what I'll also add to this heavenly combination will be a poached egg or two. A poor person's beef pie. (Actually, I had a real beef pieÂ yesterday for lunch. There'll be no pies for a while, so I had to get that out of my system too.)
And lastly I'll want something crumbed on Sunday night. Most likely fish. My new weight reducing lifestyle will permit me all the fish I could possibly want. Unrestricted quantities of fish in fact. But really, one can't be bothered if it's not crumbed (or perhaps lightly battered) and accompanied with potatoes that have been prepared in a deep fried fashion and then the whole arrangement needs to beÂ cosied upÂ to a truckload of tartare sauce.
Earlier in the week I said goodbye to pasta. Twice in fact. Mushrooms were less than half price at Aldi this week so I had my nastiest baddest most-likely-to-be-sent-to-prison high carbohydrate dinner two nights in a row. One starts with frying an enormity of sliced mushrooms in butter and garlic, then permitting them to bubble for a while in a substantial pool of cream. The pasta itself, once cooked, is tossed with grated cheddar, salt and pepper. Then the steamy hot creamy mushroom mixture is poured over this cheesy pasta and stirred through. This is a process by which the already warmed cheese melts totally and the giant sticky mass is then consumed (alone) with a great deal of dribbling. No, I don't imagine Escoffier will be seeking me out for rights to this recipe, but it totally does the job for me.
Last night I had pastried curry puffs and an odd thing I found in the freezer section called 'seafood balls'. I held no particularly high hopes for the seafood balls, but happily they turned out to taste enough like Thai fish cakes to make me quite delirious with glee.
(Becoming 'gleeful' towards our food here in Orstralia has a long and glorious tradition, most famously recorded in the song Waltzing Matilda.Â Banjo Patterson's immortal lyrics tell of our iconic Swagman grabbing a young sheep - one that had foolishly passed by his billabong - with glee, and then shoving it into his tucker bag. No doubt the whole time planning a nice Sunday roast, perhaps lamb chops the next day and a warming Irish stew for later in the week. The point being, he was gleeful while considering this fortuitous addition to his food supplies. )
So, the major starches: spuds, pasta, rice and bread will be sent off in a justly ceremonial fashion, to be seen not again for a year or so. (I'm thinking at Christmas there may be a little tweaking of my resolve, but let's not cross that metaphor until we come to it..)
You may have noticed, if you have a few spare pounds yourself, that I've not mentioned carbohydrate-heavy foods of the sweet variety. This is an oddity of mine that I find few of my cuddly cohorts share, but I simply don't get all gooey over sweets. Usually.Â Of course I have my moments and just yesterday, knowing I'd soon be going without such things, I went out and purposely sourced some 'chemist shop jelly beans'. Trying to explain to the uninitiated just why chemist shop jelly beans are singularly delicious isn't easy. For starters they are bigger, thicker and juicier than regular jelly beans. The white ones are particularly toothsome. They come in a pack proudly displaying a gold cross (somehow this gives them pharmacy cred I guess..) and are in fact called Glucogels. Trust me though, they are jelly beans. Just really really freaking great jelly beans.
Okay, so if from Monday you had to give up a favourite nasty weight-inducing food, what would it be? How badly would you miss it? What would you eat this weekend if you knew you wouldn't be eating it again for at least a year, or perhaps never? I'm almost curious.