April First News

The New York State Assembly will vote today on making the Dandelion the State flower. FTD and other florists will start selling bouquets of these flowers today. A State school board official said, 'Student scores in Math are falling, so we will take Math out of the curriculum and replace it with Flower Arranging classes using the Dandelion flower to cut costs.' Many local PTA's have applauded this decision and have proposed making the Dandelion flower a required corsage for  Junior and Senior Proms.
 
A secret TSA memo has surfaced reporting the number 1 complaint by airline passengers was stinky feet. An airline spokesperson who wanted to be identified, but wasn't, said, 'The reason people complain about airline food is that foot odor disrupts the olfactory culinary experience.' To combat this problem, TSA security guards will require everyone to disrobe when going through check-in and a Hanes representative will check for holes in a person's socks. Anyone with holes in their socks will be given the choice to buy socks for $20 a pair or be Tasered before boarding the plane.
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Because many are finding scary Teddy Bears from Vermont in their closets, many children, women, macho men and Toy poodles are unable to go to sleep without a light on. MIT has developed a light bulb for people with this problem.

At Town Hall meetings across the State of New Hampshire petitions are being signed to make it illegal to remove granite from the state. A man named Chick told the local news, 'It's become harder and harder to get good quality kitchen counter tops and we have to take action against maple syrup makers.'

In Detroit, Mayor Kilpatrick has hinted at entering the presidential race. When asked why now, he said, 'I have the necessary moral character, am really good at keeping E-mail and text messages secret, know how to waste millions of dollars and have the ability to spin lies better than our last two presidents combined.'

A bidding war is on between the makers of Moen and Delta, makers of kitchen sinks and faucets, to get Hillary Clinton to throw a kitchen sink like an Olympian for their new TV commercial.

The EPA has decided to test our lakes and stream for mercury pollution and add mercury where needed to balance our eco-system under a secret directive from President Bush for his Clean Water crusade. Haliburton has won the trillion dollar contract to assist in this effort.

The Air Force has decided to outsource pilot training under NAFTA rules of course All pilots will have to get work visas before they are allowed to fly jet fighters and learn English from the 'Ace' George W Bush manual of flying titled 'To Fly or Go AWOL.' Haliburton has received 3 trillion dollars to provide refreshments, clean drinking water to trainees and to make FatHead posters of Bush standing next to a plane.