Would you adopt?

As you probably know, I adopted one of the most unwanted children. If I had known the truth, I probably would have said no. However, now that I have Miss Princess, and know after the fact, I realize that none of the information really means a thing. All God's unwanted just need more love than the wanted. Go get these babies and save them, please. The love you will get back is ten fold of what you give. No questions needed.
Lalaland
Click on the link above to join. See you in La La Land.

id ask about all of the above and with my mental problems of my own i know i couldnt handle a child with alcohol syndrome, anger issues, or any other disabilitys

So many unwanted children

1. You would ask the age- of course, so I could be prepared for his/her needs
2. You would want to know what trouble he/she was in? Yes, I would want background information on the family and why the child was being offered for adoption. This would include reports of any foster parents as well.
3. You would want to know if he has any disabilities? (this includes shaking baby syndrome) Absolutely, so I can be educated and properly prepared.
4. You would want to know if he had anger issues? Of course, a parent would need all information.
5. You would want to know if he was born on drugs or alcohol? Again, of course, so that I can be educated about this child needs from me, besides my love and support.

I was a foster parent for 6 years. It broke my heart to see a child go back into any situation that I wasn't sure about. I finally had to quit because my then husband, my ex now, didn't want to consider adopting and I have to say that at that time, he was right, if only because he and I disagreed about the issue at all.

I really think an adopting parent NEEDS all the information pertaining to the child. How can anyone make a decision without preparing. However, I am not saying that the answers would necessarily mean I would not adopt, it just means I want to be informed.

Those questions need to be answered and the answers given to prospective parents because those special children need special parents who are able to give them the extra love and attention they need....

Placing a child with anger issues with parents with anger issues may not be the best placement for anyone concerned....

Most of the people I have known who wanted to adopt were eager to adopt a child with or without disabilities.... and were prepared to put in the extra work that would be needed with a special child.

No child comes with a warranty. Birth children come with no guarantee of perfection. There may be an expectation of perfection, but there is no guarantee.

Birth parents frequently have children because it happens... not out of choice. Adoptive parents always have a child because they choose to have a child. There are many loving families out there willing and eager to adopt those special children.

Angel

1. You would ask the age. Yes, in order to prepare for the child. (Like if I would need to baby proof everything for example.)
2. You would want to know what trouble he/she was in. Again, I would need to know what to expect so that I would know how to handle things or to know where to go for help if I needed it.
3. You would not want if he has any disabilities (this includes shaking baby syndrome) Of course! These children have special needs, and I would need to learn as much as I could to be a good mother.
4. You would not want if he had anger issues.Yes, for reasons stated above.
5. You would not want if he was born on drugs or alcohol. Yes. It is important to know what you are dealing with, so that you can be prepared to handle it.

Yes, I would ask the questions, but none of the answers would stop me from adopting a child that needed care. I've raised several with disabilities and one that was physically damaged by a car fire and her sister who had emotional damage and homosexual tendencies. But you can never be too prepared for a child's needs. Mine, I got the natural way and accepted and loved them. They are fine productive citizens today without a history of alcohol or drug use. They have a firm faith foundation and know the proper rules to live by, and how to live by them. I would gladly do the same for another.
Barbara S.

I have been a foster parent many years ago, and I knew the child was a victim of sexual abuse by her father,and I got her at 14 years of age, Even though I knew all of this, she showed the sunny side to us all the time, until she was set in our home. It turned out she was bipolar also, and I spent more time in school for her than on any of my own kids. But we helped her get through school, get her diploma and her hairdressing certification, and she still is bipolar but getting along with help of medications and is in her fifities now. I think if you really want to help a child, you will find a way, it is tough, but the rewards are great, and by all means, know all you can about them, so there are no surprises for you.

I once worked as an Educational Consultant with a family that had 8 foster children with disabilities.... One boy, we will call him Freddie, had been transferred from another part of the state. None of these children were available for adoption.

One day they took the kids out to a cafeteria for lunch and then out to take photos in the wildflowers.

That night the house burned down and 5 of the eight children died in the fire.

Investigators found that Freddie had started the fire under the covers of his bed. Further investigation revealed that he had a history of fire starting, and that his case workers had hidden that history when they transferred him so that he could have a chance at a loving home instead of being locked up in an institution where he could be more carefully monitored.

It was surmised that he had found matches somewhere that day on their outing and brought them home with him. That night he lit a small fire in his bed and could not contain it.

Had full information been given about his history, he never would have been placed in the foster home with free access to the world and he and the other children would not have died in that fire.

Freddie was only 6 years old when he died. The other children ranged in age from 5 to 8 years. Full disclosure is essential for the safety of children being placed with those who will be responsible for their welfare.

That was one of the worst weeks in my life.

Angel

I have always said that I would love to adopt a child! it's always been something I've been interested in doing, even if I had natural children of my own I would still love to adopt, and have even considered being a foster parent, but I'm just not in a situation where i can. That being said, I would, of course, want to know the answers to all of these questions before considering adoption. I would want to know as much information about the child and his/her background, life experiences, and issues as I could, but in the end it would depend on the child and if we bonded to each other or not. Once you come to love a child, none of the other stuff matters, most people would be willing to do whatever is in their power to do to care for and love the child and help him/her. I know that sometimes it takes more than love, and no matter what you do you can't make it work, but all you can do is try, and commit yourself to trying to deal with whatever comes up.

Yes, I would want to know every bit of information about the child. I agree with Wanda, you have to know so you can be prepared to deal with certain issues and situations. And having some experience with being a child of abuse, well, it really can be tough to deal with every day life, let alone all the problems that accompany that life.

I would ask all of those questions in order to be as well prepared as possible to be a good parent. If the child had been in foster care, I would appreciate the input of the foster parents in any way they thought helpful.
Having disabilities including fetal alcohol syndrome, is necessary to know. I would want to learn as much as possible and network with parents of children with similar problems.

I know couples who want children and can't have them. Some are willing to take disabled children and those of other races. These people have so much love to give. Stepchildren and adopted children don't grow under our hearts. They grow in them.

I would adopt. Yes, ask the age and of the reason he/sh is in the system.

I truly don't know, without meeting the child, if I could handle any of the other problems you mentioned.

I have a friend whom adopted two siblings out of the system. The daughter has her physical scars and knows of the abuse. The son knows he has scars but not much more. He does have fetal alcohol and drug syndrome. Both were diagnosed with ADHD, and have been to a lot of counseling. The son now resides in a treatment facility in Texas.

So, I truly don't know.

I'd ask all of the above questions. The only issues I would be concerned with are special needs and violent tendencies. Other than that, If I wanted a child, I would definitely adopt. I'm too old to have a child now and I also don't like babies much.

age? yes. trouble? yes. but these will prepare me for the child who definitely needs extra care

When considering adopting a child a family should know these things. There is a family up the street from me that adopted 3 children all from parents on drugs. Drugs from their mothers effected all of these children. The cops a up at this house once a week. The people that did the adopting know all about the problems and are good people but not trained to handle all the problems.
Now think about this were the kids done right giving them to people that would love them but not prepared, or trained to handle the problems? These people thought that love would cure all but it has not and now they are in danger as the children get older and become more physical.

I have 3 daughters adopted from Russia. The first one has been diagnosed with many psychological problems. True we were unaware when we adopted her, but after a wonderful 6-8 month honeymoon, all hell broke loose. She has given us many problems and there is no way I would ever turn my back on her.
We did theraputic foster care for 3 years with a little boy who did things like, urinate in the corner or on a basket of clothes or in the bath tub; then he poured bleach on my girl's clothes and sprayed my with clorox-cleanup; picked up cigarette butts and smoke them. He tried to set fire to the house twice. We would have adopted him, but the state would not meet his needs with the kind of help the psychiatrist said he needed.
Yes, I know what it is like to be in the position to adopt. I also know how hard it is to give a child up. I have 5 children and 7 grandchildren, they are all wonderful, all have given my rough times, all are different, and I would not trade any one of them for the best kid out there. I have grown very fond of their differences. I have had a chance to be close to the youngest daughter in the past year and a half. She still does things I don't like and sometimes I wonder if she feels like I am her mother. Last October she brought a baby boy home to live with us. I think she is learning how much I love her, by the way she is loving her son.
At times I have heard them say, "Mom you can't really love us the way you love the 2 you gave birth to." I tell them I can and I do.
Giving birth starts in the stomach. Adoption starts in the heart.

I'm glad there are so many indidivuals who are willing and able to adopt children. These folks will say they are blessed - and they are - and they are also a blessing.

There is so much more to it than these questions show. The person's own mental & attitudinal state is a factor, as is the abiltuiy to provide adequate & competent counseling, therapy if needed, etc.

I'd want to know all the issues so I could prepare how to help the child and how to prepare myself. What I mean by preparing myself with counseling, internet research and the like to learn the proper responses to deal with a child with these type of issues.

Hi Renee, hope things are going your way :)

Yes, I would, but not at my age.

Would I ask all of those questions? Certainly and probably many more for many of the reasons already mentioned. A parent needs to know what they are getting into and be able to have the resources lined up and ready when they need them. A parent would need to get the proper things in place to help them take care of the child when they bring them home.

Would the answers make a difference? Only one would make a difference and that is because of past experience. Through almost ten years of being a therapeutic foster parent and adopting one of society's unwanted teens, I have learned a lot. I had children of all ages from preschool to 17 but mostly worked with pregnant teens or teens and their children in a mother and baby program for almost 5 years and then worked with teen boys for almost another 5. Teen boys were especially hard to place so they would always come to us if we had room. The boy we adopted was 13, almost 14, when we got him and 14 when we adopted him.

So as you might have guessed by now, age is the only thing that would matter to me. Why? Because most of these children are so damaged by the time you get them that it takes more than 4 years to mend them. If you don't have them healed enough by the time they turn 18, they will be gone and you will only see them when they want something. I have seen it happen so many times and is currently happening to us with our adopted son now almost 21. Not to say that we did not make a difference in his life because I can see where some things did sink in but for the most part this child is headed for failure all the way around and all we can do is be there to pick up the pieces. In three years he has not held a job for longer than a few weeks, has not had his own place to live as he moves from one person's house to the next, and has married a tramp that poses naked on the internet and goes to bed with his friends, and now has left her but is probably going back to her no matter what we tell him. We cannot help him much because for the most part we have no idea where he is at until he calls us in trouble again.

From my experience, the children that you have the best chance of helping are the children 12 and under. I have seen some of them make tremendous recoveries.

I would love to adopt but we are not finacially set for it! I would take all the kids I could and sleep on the floor with them in my small house if I could!! I would want the answers to the questions above so I would know how to handle a situation when it occurs-age doesn't really matter.

My daughter acts just like you described James-don't really know why and it is frustrating at times! Lately I will just walk away and she will notice I am not there and she stops!

You've gotten some excellent answers from some very wise people.

all those questions should be answered so you can better parent the child. More important for us, with the adoption of our two oldest children, became the information that the birth mother became a drug addict. While there was like only "soft" drugs involved prenatally, the fact that she later became an addict is important. What lead her there? ADD? Depression? Anxiety? We would know all that family history if the child had been born to us.

Our youngest daughter came to us through protective services. It's funny, because we fell in love with her and never really looked to those questions...we were provided the answers by the State...as a matter of responsibility.

When you know the child's history and inherited challenges, you can better help him along the way to being a well-balanced, functioning adult.

I would also have him tested for brain levels of things like seritonin and gabba...especially if he shows challenging behavior outside the realm of normal. Then, you can provide what his brain needs for normal function.

1. You would ask the age - Yes of course

2. You would want to know what trouble he/she was in - Again yes

3. You would not want if he has any disabilities (this includes shaking baby syndrome)-That depends on the disability and if I personally would be able to care for the child.

4. You would not want if he had anger issues- I would adopt a child with anger issues but I would also make sure he/she saw the proper doctors to help with the anger issues.

5. You would not want if he was born on drugs or alcohol- Yes I would. I would aslo pay special attention to the child growing up where this is concerned because they might have a higer risk of becoming an addict later on but then again they maybe not. I don't think that is a good reason not to adopt a child.

I brought into my home several teens who were unwanted. Different races, different needs some had been in trouble some had not. Many of theses kids still keep in touch with me. Some more than others. If I had been able to adopt them all I would have . You don't really get to chose the child you give birth to, I mean really.

I am the type of person where if there was a child that came into my life who had no one and no one wanted, no matter the problems I would take that child as my own. Just because they may not be "perfect" dose not mean they do not deserve to be loved. I almost adopted my cousin's little girl recently. He had died in an accident and her mother was not fit to take care of her. Her mother had another son that was taken away from her because of abuse, and the worse kind. My cousins daughter has mental issues. She is very hard to care for but I did not care. She has the anger issues where she may be calm one moment and screaming and hitting the next. She is 7. But I did not care! I believe her mother drank and did drugs when she was pregnant. She has been put on medicine for her issues but they only make them a bit milder. I can see past all that and see the wonderful little person she really is.

I admire and am grateful for those that can and do adopt!

Not sure I could adopt,I dont believe I could hold the love for that child like I could if it were my own,hey Im being honest here, and to the fact that I dont want the drama of the child wanting to know their parents its too heart breaking to go through.Its just not for some people ,, like me. I dont have kids, I want them but I wouldn't adopt.

I would want to know but I cannot say if they could really affect my choice to adopt or not unless I were in the situation. I would never put my daughter in a dangerous situation.

My husband and I cannot have children. We do have 3 adopted brothers. Yes we wanted to know everything there was to know about them. Why? Because we wanted to be able to meet their needs. Not them meet our needs.
That must be understood from anyone adopting. If you cannot fullfil the needs of the child or children then do not adopt.
James is your son in my eyes. James has some things that need to be understood about him. I am sure that you are scared and concerned.
I was also scared and concerned when one of our adopted children would beat his head against the wall. My husband and I had to learn to control that. And we did. That son no longer beats his head against the wall. There are other things that he would do that he no longer does. It all takes patient on your part and prayer.
Hang in there and be there for your son.
I promise you that it will all come together.

Yes - we plan on adopting at least 10 children in our life time!

I would try my best at any age or any condition,,
also I have four step sister/brother, my brother made a statement at my parents wedding,, there is no step in our household for we will not fall down stairs just be a family and trip along the bounces and stand up and love each other,,,,

I have often thought about adopting and Yes, I would want to have those questions answered, but only because I would want to be able to care for the child properly.

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Big question in most states is have both parents given up parental rights?

Yes Carol in less you have their rights terminated. That is what we are doing with James' birth mother on grounds of abuse.

I have almost adopted my husbands nephew Bobby. We cared for him for 3 years between his age of 3-6 and we didnt know the extent of his abuse when he entered our home. He would abuse himself merciless. It was horrible to watch and not much we could do. We got him into counciling and a preschool program (where they accused ME of abusing him! I asked them if they asked him how he got the bruise on his head! They said that he said that he did it. Well theres your answer!) anyways, I still love this child as my own. I had gotten pregnant and was having alot of sickness, so Bobby took vacation with nana for a week. During that week, nana gave him back to his biological mother, she said that she was 'clean' and pregnant again. Because we had never gotten CPS involved, there was nothing we could do. And there ends that story.

But i would love to adopt a young african girl. Many men in africa believe that if they 'bed' a girl younger than 2yrs old, then it will rid them of the AIDS virus. Then these girls end up with horrible injuries and HIV along with. I would love to take a child out of that position.

Before someone adopts they should ALWAYS research what ever disabilities the child/children have. I have two adopted children it's not always the pretty picture people want to see. You should always ask for back-ground records.I know of a few foster family's that did not get all the information, if the child has something contagious don't you think the foster or adopted family should know? To bad thats not the way it always goes.Some children believe it or not are un-adoptable .The cutters,the fire starters, animal abuse,the predators and the list goes on and yes the anger issues, it's not always slamming doors it can be kicking/punching an animal, it can be grabbing a knife and going after a younger child or the parent, it's a long hard road w/children who have disabilities. The best time in my opinion is when they are young you have a better chance.Every child who is put up for adoption through CPS will come w/baggage,some heavy some not but always research EVERY aspect of the child so you can find out how or if you are the best match to help the child. If the questions above are asked and then not answered, something is up.You have a good heart Renee and I believe you are just the parent James needs. You are aware of his issues and are willing to help. Hang in there. It will get better.

1. You would ask the age...YES!
2. You would want to know what trouble he/she was in,...YES I would.
3. You would not want if he has any disabilities (this includes shaking baby syndrome),...Depends
4. You would not want if he had anger issues,...Depend on where they stem from.
5. You would not want if he was born on drugs or alcohol,...depend on the damage, I may not be the one to help a child who has severe disabilities due to drugs/alcohol.

There is one more issue nobody has brought up yet, RAD or reactive attachment disorder. It is extremely frequent in institutionalized children, and adoption social workers, especially thse specializing in adoptions from foreign orphanages, insist that all prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) be prepared to accept and deal with it. RAD can be helped but never cured, and can be devastating to the adoptive family. However, many couples are willing and able to deal with it. It can also occur in US babies abandoned at the hospital at birth, and with US chldren kicked around too many foster homes.

Every child needs to feel loved, wanted and needed.

I would, but only if I was able to care for the child. It isn't about not wanting a "less than perfect" child, but wanting the child to have the best care. My father was adopted. My mom's best friend adopted two children from very different backgrounds. My parents were foster parents to 3 of my cousins (as older kis/teenagers), who came from an abusive/drug abuse background. They also had psycholical problems. My parents could not provide the care they needed. They also stole major things, like my mom's wedding ring, and parents class rings, lied about being abused by my parents, manipulated people, and became dangerous- to both themselves and others.
In general, I think adoption is wonderful, but there are worries. As long as you are prepared for them, it is a gift, for both the parents and child.

seriously considered before accidentally conceiving second child, risking my health

OCS doesn't always let foster parents know of some of the special needs kids coming into their homes have in our area. In our Native communities we try to look for a home in the extended family if the parents cannot care for their kids.

I have been a foster parent for a number of years and we were blessed to have adopted our son Nathaniel out of foster care. We got him at 7 months and adopted him once parental rights were terminated on March 9, 2006. He turned 4 yesterday!!!
Now to answer your questions:


1. You would ask the age
Yes, I will only take a child younger than my youngest.

2. You would want to know what trouble he/she was in
Yes.

3. You would not want if he has any disabilities (this includes shaking baby syndrome)
Yes
4. You would not want if he had anger issues
Definately
5. You would not want if he was born on drugs or alcohol
Yes

I think those are all important questions to ask when you are considering adoption. This child will be a part of your family and the responsible thing to do is ask all the questions you can and get the info up front. Then you can make and informed decision about adopting and if you decided to adopt then you are aware of any potential problems that may come up and you can prepare for them.

I have considered adopting (before I had my little girl) when I was a little girl, I always did after being told I would never be able to have one of my own. I've still always had the dream of adopting, but my family tells me with my history of anger problems and Bipolar--- it would be impossible. If only my pasts has to ruin my future of my teenage years and as of becoming legal. Its just frustrating. I probably will never adopt, due to everyone telling me- I simply can't. I really want to. If I could prove with my own child, that I can love her, and provide for her... Can't I adopt? Probably not because its another child and CPS are real strict on people with differences, "Deaf, Blind, mental illness, etc." They simply think people with "disorders or disabilities" cannot love a child or be a "good parent." It frustrates me that the system has to label everyone with a disability just for actions another has did.

1. You would ask the age
2. You would want to know what trouble he/she was in
3. You would not want if he has any disabilities (this includes shaking baby syndrome)
4. You would not want if he had anger issues
5. You would not want if he was born on drugs or alcohol

1. ~ Age is just a number. Age doesn't matter to me when loving and providing the right care for a child. I'd prefer a toddler and beyond, but I'm not picky. I'll be happy with any child that I can adopt (if any).
2. ~ Yes, I would, so I could understand what background the child has been in, so I can better provide needs for that child (counseling, therapy in school, etc).
3. ~ I actually want to adopt a child WITH special needs, due to the fact, I can better relate to a child that has some differences. Just because, I struggled in school and could understand the therapies s/he would be needing and I have background knowledge of IEPs, etc. I'd prefer adopting a child with Autism or that is Deaf. I want to improve my ASL (American Sign Language) and become an interpreter.
4. Anger issues - I could work with. There are many ways to handle anger issues. First, you have to find the root or what causes the anger, in order to work on it. Then, you use coping skills, in order to cope in the majority of the society. You can teach children FUN coping skills (playing with play doh when stressed, redirecting, etc). Teach them what's appropriate and what isn't appropriate. Tell them "I understand you're angry, but hitting yourself only hurts yourself. Why don't we play with play doh instead? Its fun. Do you want to do something fun when anger?" You can do this...but you can't do that. Redirect.
5. I'd have to think about this one further and if I ever did make a decision to adopt a child with this syndrome, I'd have to have more background information before going through with such a decision.

If I ever did decide to adopt, it probably wouldn't be until legal age (21) and until I have better financial situations.

If we do decide to adopt and we are unable to get a newborn then I would prefer a special needs child... one who I will not have to change diapers for their whole life but one who will flourish in the right environment. We have not yet figured out what we will be able and not able to handle but this is something we have talked about. I really want to be pregnant and carry to full term after losing a baby and having no living children, I feel a deep need to experience this but if that's not possible then we have no problem adopting.

Michelle, are you still under 21? Most of the countries DH and I researched for adopting require the PAPs to both be at least 25. Many refuse single parents. Most set income requirement well above the poverty line.

DH and I seriously applied to adopt a sibling group of 5 from an orphanage St. Petersburg, Russia, in autumn of 2004. He was a Philadelphia public school teacher. We were turned down on the basis of "low income"! A full-time pubic school teacher!

Dorine that is so sad I personnally think its terrible when its judged on money situation.

We had learned that they were literally starving in the orphanage and had malnutrition issues. They would never have starved with us! Even on a "too small" Philadelphia public school teacher's salary! They'd have enjoyed milk and bananas and fresh animal protein and all the other good things we eat every day!

I know that iaf I was not able to conceive, that yes, I would have adopted. But I was blessed with 3 children of my own. Of course you would want all the information available on a child that you were looking to adopt, but lets face it, you don't know what you are getting into with children that you bear. I have an ADD child, he was quite a handful in his younger years, but has turned out wonderful at 16 years of age. It's all about getting the help that is needed. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, I was told to get an amnio, to check for downs because of my age. We went to the appointment, talked with a counselor, and backed out. I would not have aborted, so why go through it. Same with my next. You never know, deal.

Hello :o),

I just wanted to stop by since I am finally going through what is now listed as under 4,600 pieces of gather new mail that is sitting in my inbox on here.

With that mentioned I just came across either a mailing from you yourself, or someone else brought this piece to my attention. You or they felt that your creation should be shared with the gather community, which I am very glad that it was passed on to me to view. So I wanted to say Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to publish it here on gather for us to all view. :o)

As well before I leave you I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year... in 2009 :o)

Here's a 10 and a click towards your next cash-out.

i WAS adopted at 3 days old......

oh, and let me add i could not have gotten better parents f i picked them out myself!!!!!

A person would be a fool NOT to ask questions....ANY question.  They need to know what they are in store for. Some parents  don't want to extra baggage of children being emotionally disturbed or physically handicapped.  And that's okay.  Not all who adopt want to be hero's and help  needy children.  Some simply cannont have children of their own, but desperatly want to be parents, but not neccessarily take on the excess baggage that comes with it....ie: emotional and physical problems.  There is nothing wrong at all for asking any question you want when you are wanting to adopt.  That child will be with you for the rest of your life and you want to make sure it's the right child.  I commend the parents that do take on the more difficult cases, but not everyone is up to to task.  I wouldn't be.  It takes a very special person to take on such a feat.  God bless the people that take on the emotionally and physically challenged children.

 

1.  You would ask the age: Defiantly. If I adopted, I would want a toddler or younger.
2.  You would want to know what trouble he/she was in: Definitly
3.  You would not want if he has any disabilities (this includes shaking baby syndrome):  Sorry..but no.
4.  You would not want if he had anger issuesI could work with that.
5.  You would not want if he was born on drugs or alcohol:  Sure...I would still want him/her.