by Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C.
Member since:
January 8, 2007

100 Word Challenge - Week 8 Challenge - "Bon Voyage".

March 30, 2008 12:23 AM EDT (Updated: April 01, 2008 12:57 PM EDT)
views: 175 | comments: 100

The week 8 Challenge for the group - 100 words, not one more and not one less.

The challenge is to "Write a short scene in which one character reduces another to uncontrollable sobs without touching him or speaking."  I enter my Challenge submission . . . "Bon Voyage"!  Check out "Bon Voyage II" if you enjoyed this one.  Let me know which you think would be a better challenge.

.

.

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______________________________________________________________________ 

Steamy car windows under a pale moon.  Lovers entangled. 

Her!  How was it possible?  I'd known it.  Late nights at work had morphed into all-nighters.  Strange phone calls at odd hours. 

Jake was handsome.  He was with Brianna.  She wasn't meant for him.  She was mine!

I patted the cold, damp Earth with my shovel. She'd finally see I was her soul mate.  I threw the shovel in the trunk then dropped to my knees and sobbed inconsolably.  Look what she made me do! 

*RING*

"Jake.  Is Brianna there?  . . . Hello?"

"Come Quick!"

Whistling, I removed the shovel.

______________________________________________________________________ 

© Doyle D. Chastain I, 2oo8
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Comments: 100

Heather W. Mar 30, 2008, 12:51am EDT
You know the first thing I thought of was Secret Window with Johnny Depp. . . I really like it. (you had me here at he second do it in your roll over heh)
Andrea "slackermom" R. Mar 30, 2008, 12:52am EDT
To be honest, Doyle, I'm confused.

I'm not at all sure who he killed. It seems that it was Jake but the phone call confuses me.

Maybe it's just late and I'm brain dead.
Ron B. Mar 30, 2008, 12:54am EDT
Whoa. Excellent writing man. A knock out.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 1:00am EDT
HEHEhehehee . . . Thanks Heather! So many miss the roll-overs!

The confusion was intended Andrea! :)

Thanks Ron!!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
William Dotani Mar 30, 2008, 1:12am EDT
That's really dark. However, you certainly paint a vivid image. The ending could possibly be black comedy.
Jean, just the teensiest bit odd, F. Mar 30, 2008, 1:17am EDT
Hmmmm....


Hmmmm....


Hmmmm.........
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 1:38am EDT
Thanks William . . . indeed it could.

Christopher Moore? Surely not THAT absurd, Lyndon!

Jean, Dear . . . take your time and think about it. This isn't written 'First Person' for no reason. :P

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
John Knight Mar 30, 2008, 1:56am EDT
"This isn't written 'First Person' for no reason. "

You're not confessing to a double homicide, I trust.   ; )
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 1:57am EDT
I confess to gardening . . . and roses. :)

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
KC Klein Mar 30, 2008, 2:21am EDT
Thanks for posting this to Short Story and More!
John Knight Mar 30, 2008, 2:34am EDT
. . . gardening, huh ? . . a likely story . . .
Ron B. Mar 30, 2008, 3:01am EDT
John, nobody gardens while it's snowing. He's working on a double.
Esther IS Flesh and Blood S. Mar 30, 2008, 3:02am EDT
A murder in 100 words and no more and no less; what a fete Doyle.
Heather W. Mar 30, 2008, 3:48am EDT
As long as you're not growing sweet corn Doyle hehe
I had to watch Secret Window after reading this. I should have been a sleep hours ago.
Sujata (funnily 'Suji' ) S. Mar 30, 2008, 3:58am EDT
That's Well Done 'touch me not' !!!
Kathryn E. Mar 30, 2008, 4:08am EDT
FANTASTIC !!!
Member Photog Mar 30, 2008, 7:40am EDT
Blood Simple ~ Cohen Bros came to mind...the shovel scraping the road...

stellar,bay bay, just freakin' stellar....me thinks you should write short stories (no,not this short) to shop around,or even to self publish for your fans...hehehe...ok, deflate yore head now and put back on that beanie ;>

peace,gayle who rocked the EARTH HOUR!!!
Whoa! Creepy! I'm glad the confusion was intentional. It leaves me wondering and guessing.
penni d. Mar 30, 2008, 8:36am EDT
heh,heh....you know I loved it,Doyle.Great how 100 words can be so fatal!! :)
Dee - Nature Babe! Mar 30, 2008, 8:52am EDT
A great 100 words short story. You had me from the get go!
Mary Ann S. Mar 30, 2008, 9:03am EDT
An interesting storhy. I take it Jake is in foir a surprise.
Angela <:3---}~~~~ M. Mar 30, 2008, 10:34am EDT
ah, very nice read!
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 10:58am EDT
Ok John & Ron . . . it does NOT snow this closed to Southern California Beaches. . . . And Nobody digs in the rose garden BUT me! ;)

Thanks Esther . . . assumptions anyone?
...And Heather . . . I never heard of that movie and NOW I have to check it out!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 11:05am EDT
Thanks to k.e.o., Karrie Anne & John! Thanks very much!

Gaylster . . . Bay Bay! Wow . . . thanks. You just say that because you walk on the ground I worship, right? :P

Julie! The guys probably from Ken-TUCK-EEE . . . huh? LoL!

Thanks Ina & Penni! :)

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
(Unkie D to Julie)!
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 11:09am EDT
Thanks Dina . . . and Mary Ann, wouldn't it be a surprise if the girl had no idea she was supposed to be with the shovel guy? She might have thought she was meant to be with Jake, her husband. Just sayin'!

Reena . . . what can I say? You're just too kind!

Thanks Angela!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Michelle C (faithhopelove20) Mar 30, 2008, 12:00pm EDT
Doyle!! You're going to give me nightmares!!

This was an awesome submission. I never would have thought of something like this for the challenge.

Without reading the other comments, I took it to mean that he killed Jake. And because he's saying that she'll finally see he was her soul mate, then he must not have killed her. But he has her - somewhere. Probably in the back of the car that he took Jake from, bound and gagged.

It kind of scares me that you think in this way . . . . . . . LOL
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 12:25pm EDT
Ahhhh . . . but Michelle . . . that's how YOU think. ;)

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Jim Ross Mar 30, 2008, 12:40pm EDT
Good job, Doyle. He's gone 'round the bend and wants to give it another bash! Ah, the irony; she's his "soul mate" and look who gets planted with her for eternity! Love your word, bud, light or dark.
Jim Ross Mar 30, 2008, 12:41pm EDT
Oops! I meant "work" not "word", Doyle.
Apryl Just Apryl Mar 30, 2008, 12:42pm EDT
Very good!! I love the twists.....
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 1:00pm EDT
Incidentally Gayle . . . I loved Blood Simple.
Thanks Jim . . . Suh-weeet Irony . . . glad you picked up on that!
Thanks, Apryl!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Beaker (just Beaker) Mar 30, 2008, 1:09pm EDT
That's my kind of writing, sir. Organic fertilizer is the best.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 1:18pm EDT
Thanks JK . . . :)

Ahhhhh Judi . . . true sociopaths really aren't concerned with something as shallow as personal appearances. I know I'm . . . ummmm . . . never mind.

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Michelle C (faithhopelove20) Mar 30, 2008, 1:19pm EDT
OMG! I just re-read it!!

BRIANNA picked up the phone and said "Come Quick!" He had just buried Jake and was going to keep her alive, but once she answered the phone and said that, he decided that he had to kill and bury her too!


Hmmm . . . this is an awesome entry. It can be interpreted in so many different ways. It would be a neat challenge for a literature class to interpret and discuss.
Michelle C (faithhopelove20) Mar 30, 2008, 1:29pm EDT
This is what Nic thinks:

The narrator is Jake. He thinks in first person. He killed Brianna, since he caught her cheating, and killing her would mean no one else could have her. When he walks back to the car and throws his shovel in, his phone rings. It's his friend who's been sleeping with Brianna, asking where she's at. Jake says "Come Quick!" and he prepares to kill him too.
Michelle C (faithhopelove20) Mar 30, 2008, 1:30pm EDT
This is really really good. You could probably sell this to have published in a short-story type book.
CC Miranda the artrat (or am i?) Mar 30, 2008, 1:32pm EDT
this is amazing Doyle. so much intrigue. it gives you a taste so that you want to come back and devour the whole chocolate cake while it's still frozen.
Michelle C (faithhopelove20) Mar 30, 2008, 1:41pm EDT
Short Story Competitions:

Lorian Hemingway Short Story Competition (except that there's an entry fee - I think that's how they pay the winners)

Writers Digest Competitions


There's a ton out there. I think you should find a competition you like and enter this in it!!
CC Miranda the artrat (or am i?) Mar 30, 2008, 1:50pm EDT
This is to let you know this has been featured in consummate calamity's crazy collective

yeah, i liked it that much.
Digital Diva S. Mar 30, 2008, 2:27pm EDT
Too cool and the comments priceless...Thanks for posting this to Best Original Photos, Art and Writing for 2008
Austin Cushing Mar 30, 2008, 3:56pm EDT
This comment is to let you know that this content has reached ten comments, and as such has been removed from Comment Speedway! Congratulations!
Suzi :Two sides to every story Mar 30, 2008, 4:04pm EDT
You have a way with words....chilling.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 6:46pm EDT
Ahhhh michelle . . . the lack of specificity pays off! Additional comments are just too kind!

CC . . . also most kind.

Thanks Tinch & Suzi!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 30, 2008, 7:53pm EDT
Easily pleased marianne?? :)

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Mary Beth Magee Mar 30, 2008, 8:52pm EDT
Another good one, Doyle. But I think I'm leaning toward the second one as your challenge. Purely a personal reaction - I like happy endings better.
Stephanie B. Mar 31, 2008, 1:20am EDT
Very powerful. I might do something with this challenge - too tired to decide right now.
Stephanie B. Mar 31, 2008, 1:46am EDT
OK, I gave it a shot, Doyle, per your challenge.

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977297747
Sandy (Site Psychic™) Knauer Mar 31, 2008, 2:58am EDT
ewww. Just for this, I am going to make you cry, Doyle. I was away this weekend, but will work on this tomorrow.
Jennine D. Mar 31, 2008, 4:05am EDT
Dark mystery, chilling very good, Had to read it twice before I got it.
Barbara B. Mar 31, 2008, 10:21am EDT
ummmmmmmmm........????????
Lucky Stars Mar 31, 2008, 10:49am EDT
Good write, Doyle.
He-he, no comment yet - I'm still reading it.
I've never re-read a story here sooo.... many times. ;-)
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 31, 2008, 11:34am EDT
Thank you very much Mary Beth and Ed!

Thanks for playing Stephanie! Ummmmm . . . you to Sandy . . . I think!

Thanks Jen . . . check with michelle's comments . . . she has two plausible theories listed.

One too many 'm's in that ummmmm Barbara . . . technically, it's misspelled. LoL!

Thanks Bobbi . . . and because you're always so nice to me I won't tease you about re-reading because some words have more than one syllable . . . oh . . . SNAP! Too late I guess. Well. Thanks anyway. I thought about not teasin' and they say it's the thought that counts! LoL!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Lucky Stars Mar 31, 2008, 11:52am EDT
Well, thanks for the THOUGHT anyway, Doyle. Too bad your ADD got the best of you and your impulses took over. :-P

I'm a thinker, you see, and ergo I think before I leap to any conclusions on your mystery story. Which I do like in spite of your snappish reply. (and I am just kidding you.) :-)
Vicky Duggins Mar 31, 2008, 2:24pm EDT
This is good and creepy. I love a good homicide.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 31, 2008, 2:54pm EDT
"This is good and creepy. I love a good homicide. "
Thanks Vicky!

(*whispers to Bobbi* . . . snappish is . . . ummm . . . good, right? I'm also a snappish dresser -- I hear --) LoL!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Ann Weaver Hart Mar 31, 2008, 2:56pm EDT
Ouch! Good job, Doyle.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 31, 2008, 3:07pm EDT
Thanks Ann!!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Lori Cee Mar 31, 2008, 5:26pm EDT
i dont get it.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 31, 2008, 5:38pm EDT
It's Ok Lori . . . it's manly-man stuff so girls might have a hard time understanding. I don't understand make-up. LoL! Oh wait . . . I actually do! LMAO ! !

(*Ducks*)

Anyway . . . you're not the only one who said that! :)

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Lance L. Mar 31, 2008, 6:59pm EDT
I really do have to start hanging out with normal people.
I find nothing disturbing about this conversation.

and the killer is . . . .
[rips open envelope]
Professor Plum with an ankle strap wedgie in the terrarium
What . . . Oh I've been looking for that.

So does Jake realize that his alternate personality is wacking him before or after the shovel hits his head? enh? No?

I agree you've created a neat little package lacking 'just' enough clues and overloaded with possibilities.

Now. Off to find normal people. This shouldn't take long..
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Mar 31, 2008, 10:53pm EDT
Oh, it'll take a while Lance!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Kay M. Apr 1, 2008, 12:28pm EDT
Oooh, good one Doyle. Two victims in only 100 words. Love it.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 1, 2008, 12:48pm EDT
Well thank you very much rainbow Peace symbol who likes two victims in 100 words! LoL! Appreciate the comment Kay!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Susan B. Apr 1, 2008, 7:40pm EDT
and yet...I'm not hearing any sobs.
Kate Keeley Apr 1, 2008, 10:06pm EDT
Unique take on the challenge!
Ann R. Apr 1, 2008, 11:36pm EDT
Read it twice and got two possible endings...either way a double whammy Doyle.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 1, 2008, 11:48pm EDT
Thanks Susan! Sobs are hard to hear . . .

Thanks Kate, unique is my middle name . . . WAIT a minute! No it isn't!

Thanks VERY much Ann!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Bhawana 'Gather Proud Mom' Apr 2, 2008, 3:51pm EDT
This is a stunner...I say
Alison Pearce Apr 2, 2008, 10:27pm EDT
Great drabble!
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 2, 2008, 11:38pm EDT
You have great taste Bhawana!
Thanks Alison!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Tara T. Apr 3, 2008, 3:29am EDT
the case of the jilted lover, oft told tale but rarely spun as well or in as few words as this. Enjoyed the read tremendously!
Amanda C. Apr 3, 2008, 10:58am EDT
Hmm, Doyle. Do you need therapy? Fantastic Drabble
Parul S. Apr 3, 2008, 11:53am EDT
fantastic drabble...i agree....
Lynn Doiron Apr 3, 2008, 11:54am EDT
I haven't read comments made to your story, Doyle. Scattered words here and there make me think the missing briana has been buried, but not easy to decipher -- which could have been your intent.
lynn a. Apr 3, 2008, 12:08pm EDT
Excellent. This could be made into a movie. I could just see an image of him pulling the shovel back out.
Tanya P. Apr 3, 2008, 1:25pm EDT
Hmmm, definitely wharped. He brought himself to tears, but I didn't have any to shed for him. --- I did have to go back and re-read it. With the image where it is, I didn't actually see your first two sentences. That lead in is rather important.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 3, 2008, 2:25pm EDT
Thanks very much Tara!

Elisa . . . make-up or not I MUST tell you that's some wickedly creative thinking. I'm impressed . . . very much so!

"Hmm, Doyle. Do you need therapy?"
Not according to my therapist . . . but I think he's lying so he stays handcuffed to the pipe in the basement until I believe him. Thanks Amanda!

Thanks Parul!!

"...not easy to decipher -- which could have been your intent. "
Exactly . . . the comments are, in fact, somewhat helpful!

Thank you Lynn! I'm not quite sure it would hold the same effect as a screenplay . . . too many questions answered . . . besides, who would play Jake? Hmmm.

"With the image where it is, I didn't actually see your first two sentences. That lead in is rather important. "
With a 100 word length, Tanya, I'd say every single word was important! ;)

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Sheila Deeth Apr 3, 2008, 6:09pm EDT
Fascinating - certainly sets the imagination thinking.
Lisa J Apr 3, 2008, 7:44pm EDT
Sinister...
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 3, 2008, 10:24pm EDT
Thanks very much Sheila & Lisa!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 3, 2008, 11:57pm EDT
I'm sorry . . . I didn't hear anything after the eyelash batting. I know . . . typical guy!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Wanda H. Apr 4, 2008, 1:45am EDT
Macabre and chilling, I love it!
Becky Powell Apr 4, 2008, 9:58am EDT
Clever and twisted! Great job.
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 4, 2008, 11:39am EDT
Thanks Becky & Wanda . . . and Elisa (I think)! LoL!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Tracey W. Apr 4, 2008, 12:17pm EDT
I loved your piece Doyle. I didn't quite get it all, but I certainly have enjoyed some of the theories I have read and the ideas they gave me about what was really going on. Great fun! Great drabble.
Tracey W. Apr 4, 2008, 12:18pm EDT
can't wait to read volume II
Doyle ( IS SOOO 7 for 7 soon... ) C. Apr 4, 2008, 12:59pm EDT
Thanks very much Tracey . . . always a pleasure my friend!

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~

PS: For being comment #100 you win 100 free 'Honorary' points too . . . they can only be redeemed for my respect! :)

DDC I
Marge H. Apr 4, 2008, 4:59pm EDT
Wow. I love this! Being a murder/mystery writer myself I am very impressed with your ability to set a compelling scene in so few words and to leave the reader with so many ways to interpret it. This is just ingenious and I'm jealous. LOL
Charli Mills Apr 5, 2008, 12:03am EDT
This one certainly draws the reader into the impending doom.
Ruthe M. Apr 5, 2008, 12:24am EDT
This is soooooo good! Alright: Jake speaks in the third person at times, right? This is right up my alley!
Lune Wolfsong Apr 6, 2008, 3:11am EDT
Dark and intriguing. I've read it three times since you've posted it and am still changing my mind about what I think is going on here. lol.
Sophiya S. Apr 30, 2008, 10:12pm EDT
great

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