Have you noticed yourself drawing the same person into your life over and over? Or a string of people who, though it isn't the same person, seems to share the same personality?
I have one like that. I wrestle with the lesson every time, and never feel any closer to figuring out the answers. Why is it I draw this kind of person? What am I supposed to learn from this?
Mine is a little off her rocker. Her connection with reality, her ability to see things as they appear to all of us, skewed, always slightly off. You say potato she hears squash. You disagree with something (gently, kindly) she envisions villagers with torches and pitchforks. Everyone is wearing either a black hat or a white one. You're her best friend or her greatest enemy, depending on whether your last interaction with her was polite, or not, in her perception - which can be out of focus to some degree or another with the other 30 people in the room. Her perception about people can also fly in the face of known, undeniable facts, like that person stealing from her, endangering her family, or spending time in prison for unspeakable crimes. That's all ok if they were nice to her, in her estimation, the last time they talked. The unkindness she perceives, though, is usually a minor slight or something she imagines into being only to have a full-blown drama of epic proportions before she's through.
She's abusive, vicious, lies deliberately and, I think, not deliberately in her illness. She has justifications for everything she does, which may or may not make sense, allowing her to see herself as the lilly white eternal victim of big bad meanies picking on her.
Does she sound crazy? I often think she is. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can accept that her actions are her disease, not the true heart of her. And usually when it comes 'round again I get all caught up in it and speak to the disease because the disease is all that shows. I've tried unconditional love and looking past it - that, too, was viewed as an attack. And at that point, I usually walk away for good. I've tried holding firm to my truth in the face of the deception and delusion. That's not satisfying either, because the delusion and the abuse go on and on, the drama to paint herself a victim, and when I finally break free of it all the next one enters my life to start the whole mess over.
What am I missing that I'm supposed to learn here?
Could it be about the retention of my personal power? The first time it came up, with my mother, she took my power, until I finally learned to take it back and walk away. I faltered there, and went back to struggle through it all over again several times before I finally learned to stop going back for more misuse and abuse. In a later relationship, a friend that time, I learned to take my power back more quickly and hold onto it tighter. And now, it seems, finally, to keep it and never falter in holding onto it. There appears to be, as I'm writing it out here, a correlation between the progression of what has happened and what I've read other abuse survivors say. So, do I take heart at a sign of progress? Or am I latching onto it because I want to see something progressing? Do I need to realize this headache is because I'm banging my head into a wall? A very large wall, emblazoned with the obvious, that I'm too close to read. Usually I'm pretty good at switching between hard and soft focus, like sister Mouse, but not on this.
Is it random coincidence that at least one person in any community I step into ends up showing the same personality I keep realizing is toxic to my life and walking away from? Could it be a manifestation of my longing for the impossible: a relationship with my mom, so that I keep calling her, or people like her, into my life - only to find all the same old problems exist?
Fellow spiritual wanderers, what do you think?
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Comments: 55
better believe I disconnected.. caring about a person is one thing, but the Toxic waste spewed out by this type of persona? uh,uh..not for me...nope...too old to deal with...
I believe that we play roles that make us comfortable, even when they are toxic. If you can see how you might be inviting this type of person into your life you may see the point at which you can turn away and come out without another poor experience.
The lesson that you may have to learn: how to turn away from someone you feel may need you. If this is a repeat of mother/daughter dance, this is likely the cause. It is hard to turn from a mother, even when the whole relationship is damaging to you.
Are you a soft-hearted person? Someone who doesn't like to be 'rude'? Someone who will listen when someone needs to talk? If so, that may be what they are glomming onto. What they and you don't realize is that the relationship is probably toxic to both of you.
Of course, the usual disclaimer here, I am just a friend on gather, but I have had this same thing in my life, first with my mother and then with a couple of others until I learned to recognize the symptoms very early on. Once I did, I could just ease out without causing more drama.
I hope this helps in some way. My best thoughts to you Lune as you travel your path.
I try to remind myself that the path I travel is the answer. Learning as go, so that there really is no final goal. We keep growing until we pass on to the next phase.
namaste
We will keep going back to the same type of person, to play out the scenareo over and over again until we have CLOSURE. (That's the key word) You mentioned your mother.. and that is who you are playing this out with, (althought different actors) You walked away from your mother, to avoid the abuse from her.. but you probably didn't have closure with her or the abuse. Some real healing must take place here. Once you accomplish that, you will chose not to attract "sick" people, who are victims, who are abusive, and who sap the energy out of you.
What you are doing is called "enabling" others. It serves a purpose for you, even if you don't like it. What you do is as sick as the person you are enabling. Once we recognize this, learn to take care of ourselves, we no longer feel the need to attract those types into our lives. We will continue to encounter them, and they may even be a part of your family.. but you will learn disconnect from their problems and not give it the negative attention it seeks. You will not feel obligated to help them, or defend yourself for not helping them. In fact, you will never feel the need to defend anything where they are concerned.
Focus on your own well being. Find organizations that help you understand and focus.. like Alonon, or a counselor, or even self help books. Find info on "ENABLER", and you will see what I mean.
Running away (walking away) isn't the answer. Learning to avoid it in the first place is the answer.
The first steps to take
1. Closure with your mother.
2. Healing
3. Concentrate on what you are doing, not what others are doing.
4. Forgiveness of self and others.
Mhmmm, Penni. I found one on Gather, too. As though, whatever it is, was going to follow me wherever I went, no matter what - even here.
Thanks, Sherri. I'm glad we connected today.
Thank you, Tiffany. Sometimes, that the best thing we can do, right there, just not participate and give them the space to figure things out for themselves.
Thank you all for sharing with me your experience and insight.
Thank you for another perspective to view this from, Lynn. You're certainly right that my radar is up to this personality type.
I know that is the case with people in my life.
I have learnt to listen to my wolf senses. Wolf instincts are always right. ;)
" How we interact with others will certainly affect our Karma; how others interact with us will affect theirs. It often happens that these will be complementary effects, as if there were some sort of agreement. While we are responsible for working out our own Karma, for making our own choices, others will aid us, and we will aid them.
Inherent in the concept of Karma is the idea of balance. If the choices you make and actions you take upset the balance in your life, then the action of Karma will be to present you with choices that will allow you to create a new balance. Such imbalances are not necessarily bad; without them we literally could not go anywhere, since even the simple act of walking requires momentarily unbalancing the body between steps. Beyond this, Karma acts to balance the entire universe. In this way, Karma is a counter to another natural force called "entropy", which this is the tendency of matter and energy to break down into simpler, less ordered forms. Karma is the opposite to this tendency, causing more spiritual balance and harmony over time. On the mundane plane, we call this action "evolution" and see it in material as well as spiritual lifeforms.
In our own lives, we can also describe the action of Karma as a series of lessons. Each time we depart from perfect balance and harmony, we will receive, through the action of Karma, new opportunities restore that balance. It is an error to think of Karma as a system of rewards and punishments. There is no such thing as "bad Karma." When events challenge us with difficult choices, it is not necessarily because of "evil" in our past; it might just as easily be because we have reached a new level of spiritual evolution and are thus ready for more significant lessons. As in any course of study, when one lesson is completed, another is presented to the student. In the school of Karma, though, there are no failures. We will continue to receive the same lesson until we get it right!
There probably are many reasons on a spiritual level why this is happeningto you. From clearing karmic debt to experiencing the trauma as a foundation for learning other spiritual lessons.
My mother has always withheld her love for me. I never had a doubt about that, that she didn't love me, whatever the reasons. Of course as a child I thought I was unlovable and that remained my path in life until I was in my 30's.
Then over a really trivial spat, ( I couldn't pick peaches with her as we had planned and she hollered at me on the phone, chewed me out really well and then simply stopped talking to me. Told me to not call her, talk to her or do her any favors.) That lasted for 14 years. She cut herself out of my life and the lives of my children. But it was a blessing in disguise. Since she had forbidden me to communicate with her, my life became so much more bearable. In fact, I found that I enjoyed my life without her in it.
Those 14 years of no contact, gave me the time to re-think my relationship with her, the many times she had built me up to pull the floor out from under me. As I had time to reexamine things I found peace. I knew that if I didn't have her in my life again, I would be all right. And if I did, I could simply coexist, with no emotional investiture.
As things did turn out, we managed to return to some sort of relationship but the wonderful thing I found, was that she couldn't emotionally blackmail me anymore. She had no cards to play. She had already done her worst and I had survived.
I was free to tell her what I thought about anything she did. I was not emotionally invested in changing her, but I could simply state my view and let the chips fall where they would.
I suppose this is a long way of saying that to have closure, is an organic process. It will flow out of your experiences with and without her. If you feel the need you could confront here, when you feel strong enough to do so. Sometime, though, the bravest thing, is to simply turn your back on someon who is damaging you.
It is, as we all have agreed, your choice. You will know the answer, indeed, it is already within you. Look deeply and you will find it. namaste
We all make choices to accept the abuse or stop it. We become the victim because we allow ourselves to be used. We chose to believe the continual rhetoric of dependence, unworthiness and value. And until we chose to believe in ourselves, we can't find the strength to break the cycle.
On a spiritual level, all this posturing creates spiritual lessons. From accepting our value as a human being, to allowing abuse to be spread,
The emotions and inner feelings on a physical level ARE NOT invalidated by that knowledge, nor is the trauma diminished. But perhaps through understanding why we have set an issue on our path, or made a spiritual choice that creates these issues, we can perhaps learn to deal with the aftermath in a manner that provides the growth and enlightenment necessary to not repeat the pattern again.
Since this is a special meditation, you may want to prepare your meditation space in a special way. Add a few ritualistic items, such as lighting a white candle and saying a prayer stating your intent for this meditative session
A friend of mine is a behaviorist and teaches in elementary level school. She gets the really disturbed children who are still allowed in public school. There is nothing wrong physically wrong with most of these children. They are the ones who were locked in closets, etc. In lay terms, they are screwed up royally. Why? Because their young minds could not deal with the problems. They will carry this bagage throughout their lives. Those of us who are less affected by our childhoods, still have things to deal with. I hope I'm not getting to far afield here. I guess my point is, the personality you wind up dealing with is the same one you grew up with. Take those baby steps and overcome. Each time moving ahead. You're fortunate that you see what is going on. That way you can deal with it.
this is fascinating subject although I feel for you,Lune,at this time of emotional upheaval..
there are so many great responses already..I can only add that I believe there are only so many basic personality archetypes in this world and we invariably find those we naturally '"click" with.
When we are attracted to those that seem to suck life forces ,smother or seemingly attempt to derail our life's path it is time to step back or step away...and quickly. Take it as a life lesson and I don't believe there is any mitigation that could occur to make those relationships feel right.
If it feels wrong it is wrong..kind of thing ,I think..
Thank you, Wanda, they are similar enough I found a lot of help in your experience. I, too, discovered the gift of peace in her silence. Your experience in finding freedom from the emotional blackmail and your thoughts on closure are also much appreciated.
Thank you, April. And thanks again for taking the time to send me that meditation.
Haha, Phaidra, I have seen that movie, and I didn't even connect it. Thank you.
The way I found closure was through investigation. I wanted to know why my mother did the things she did. Why she felt the way she did . First I had to understand fully her mental illness, which was undiagnosed most of my life. What we (as a family) experienced was believed "normal". It wasn't until her death, and I wanted answers that I began to learn it was not normal behavior, and that our family was dysfunctional. Sorting through that mess, and learning which aspects of my upbringing were disabling me, brought closure to confusion, and I was able to move forward, allowing myself to understand my low self esteem and the things that were causing me problems. Through this, I learnt that those same dysfunctional aspects were also learnt in my mother's childhood which were projected onto me. She was badly abused, lived in horrible poverty, raised by an abusive step mother who didn't want her and an alcoholic father who was also abusive. She was abandoned by her mother at a young age. Going even further, I discovered how HER mother was raised during the depression, and how she was abandoned at the edge of a forest and left to fend for herself. This happened often to children of the depression era. Seeing all of that, I could forgive, have compassion and understand. That was the beginning of healing. The next step is working on SELF, and change the cycle of the dis-ease. You no longer have someone else to blame, to victimize you, or focus on. Now you have to work on the dysfunctional aspects within yourself, understand yourself, why you do what you do. As you work through this, you begin to heal, forgive and love yourself. As you do this, you put closure on the hurt you felt, replace it with understanding and concentrate on the hurt you cause others, because we do hurt others. We are also acting out like our mother's did, maybe not as severely, but our children are affected just the same by our weaknesses. It is about breaking a cycle, healing by understanding, and never allowing ourselves to remain a victim of the past.
I don't think anyone can do this on their own. There were times I would seek professional counselling. Other times I sought help through spiritual healing. Both avenues are crucial. I also read every book I could get my hands on in my quest to understand, heal and progress. It is WORK, not a miracle that will visit you and "poof" everything is "fixed". It is a life time work and your healing depends on how much you put into it.
You will continue to live the "drama" through others until you put closure on it. If you never understand what is happening, you will keep repeating it until you do come to terms with it and understand. If you don't work on self, you will repeat the " dis-ease" and remain as sick as the one you accuse. Pointing at and concentrating on the other person is a diversion from having to work on self.
Some people have a high threshold for pain. They can absorb other's pain, and look like saints because they understand another's "pain". This is not necessarily healthy for them. If someone is living in pain, they cannot help another, no matter how much they relate.
A woman can appear to be a saint because she puts up with an alcoholic, abusive man. Even so, she is as sick as he is for allowing it, and enabling him. Her self esteem is so low that she NEEDS him, so that she never has to face herself and her illness or her dependency, and he makes her look better than she is.
When people draw needy, dependent, energy sucking people into their lives, it is because they are lacking. So, if you are doing this, realize that you NEED them as much as they need you. They, in their obvious illness, make you look better than you really are. You are as dependent upon them as they are of you. They are someone you can point at and say, "see", they're sick.. they do this and they do that and they make me feel this way or that. Now you don't have to see yourself, although through them, you are constantly looking in the mirror and you hate it, so you project your hatred of self onto someone else.
Healthy people do not tolerate these things. They see it for what it is. They do not place blame because they don't attach themselves to it. They know it doesn't benefit anyone. When they encounter unhealthy people, they will direct that person to seek appropriate help, and will not allow parasites to attach themselves. Healthy people exercise choice and take responsibility for the choices they make.
The kids should all fall asleep for a nap soon and I'm trying to have myself and space prepared for meditation then. If one of them chooses not to nap I'll try again tonight.
Thank you, Debra, for taking the time to come back and expand on closure.
Hehe, Paidra.
Thank you, Phyllis.
I think, too, that maybe what we can change is what we think about her, about ourselves. With mine, I only just realized that it really is a sickness. For a first time, her opinion of me cannot hurt me because it is really NOT about me. I have to remind myself. My problem is that we both have kids, and I'm only worried about keeping mine safe from her poison -- I don't want their self-images injured. I want them to learn that the world around them may have problems that are not the problems of my children.....
Thanks again for sharing this one.
Thank you, Mary. Your perspective, having been where you have been, is valuable as I process this.
Erika, I'm glad this could help you, too. And thank you for sharing your thoughts, your visual helps me.
God gets smarter the next time and disguises them in different clothing. When I heard her say that at a lecture in NYC, many years ago, I heard the bells go off about how often I've seen repeat patterns reappear in my life.
But, I have encountered growth along the way and see it but know it is a process that I continue to work on. I find myself tittering and tottering at times with the victim/protector role with friends and family, a pattern established in my family of origin. But, I try to remain vigiliant to heal from my previous pain as I think it has been an ingredient in my current health crisis of breast cancer so I am determined to dig deep and root out the pain so it doesn't hurt me anymore in ANY WAY!!
You're very aware of your history and recognize the root cause which will enable you to find the strength to move on and release the dysfunction.
Blessings.
Thank you, Claudia. You've given me more good thoughts to think on.
I know exactly what you mean, Kath. *hugs* I still struggle against thoughts that would pull me back into the caretaking position with my mom, despite how well that path has worked for me in the past. :/ Thanks for sharing your experience, too. It does really help to know that's what you observed happening and how you helped stop it.
Amazing content in the posts..So many articles themselves!