When my child falls to the floor in the aisle between cereal and pop tarts and throws a temper tantrum, I am not proud. I might walk away with the Quaker Oatmeal Squares and pretend I don't hear her screaming for Reeses Puffs, but I don't desert her and look for a perfect child.
I don't excuse her because she needs a nap, or because she saw Reeses Puffs ads on television, or because I have seen other children demonstrate the same behavior, or even because most three-year-olds behave that way. And I don't blame the grocer for stocking the unhealthy choice or the network for running the ad.
I don't excuse her inappropriate behavior because her father doesn't contribute emotionally or financially, or because she is female and therefore expected to be emotional. I don't decide she deserves a treat because she is female and will always get the short end of the stick in life. I don't reinforce any of the excuses she might hear from anyone, anywhere, any time in her life.
Did I already say I am not proud of her behavior? I want to say that again. I love her and I forgive her, but am not proud of my daughter's inappropriate behavior.
I will tell my daughter I am sorry she is disappointed. I will understand her need to cry. But, I will tell her that she chose the wrong time, place, and method of expressing that disappointment. I will explain that her inappropriate behavior disrupted others, and why repeating that behavior will not benefit her.
I will tell her screaming in public is not appropriate. I will tell her she has choices, and the power to choose behaviors that will benefit her in life. I will tell her how many friends, ads, movies, magazines, and grocery shelves she will meet in life, and how many times people will offer her excuses and scapegoats. I will make sure she knows I believe she has the strength to resist what will hurt her.
She might not hear me the first fifty times I tell her about her about power and choices, but that won't stop me; I will repeat myself until she finds her strength. As her mother, it is my job to believe in her, arm her with knowledge, and give her strength, and I take my job seriously.
I love and respect my child enough to help her when she is out of sorts.
When my government pitches an eight-year temper tantrum, I am not proud. I know it can do better. I will not excuse poor behavior because others have done the same, or put it down for a nap and hope that will solve the problems. I will address the problems and repeat myself until it finds the strength to make healthy choices.
It is not a matter of love it or leave it (I can't believe people are still saying that). For me, this is about loving enough to do the work, even when it isn't popular or easy.
As a citizen, it is my job to believe in my government, arm it with strength and knowledge, and I take my job seriously.
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Comments: 112 ( 1 removed by Sandy (Site Psychic™) Knauer )
Great thoughts Sandy.
I do love that you've used the parenting analogy to make this point. I do so enjoy the idea that my fellow citizens are my older, less well-adjusted siblings who are more than zealous in their attempts to prove to how much more their love Mom than I do. I don't want to inherit the good crystal or the house; I just want to be proud of my birthright, you know -- be able to hold my head up on the playground, when the other kids of the world brag about their healthcare options. (I may or may not be making sense right now; sciatica is nasty stuff.)
I just left the circle-jerk of braying imbeciles including Bratwurst and some zombie-like parrot from California.
"They" are horrible; God Bless our soldiers who have done the same thing.
It is nauseating.
(Hope you feel better soon.)
Peter, seeing that attitude, and realizing I share breathing space and a reputation with those who have it, upsets me to the point I am almost physically ill.
And, conversely, it's the Liberal/God Who?/Fuck Bush/Democratic ones who say, "this is where we're going wrong, I'm not afraid to admit it"?
Just something I've noticed over the last few days....
I couldn't have said it better. Thank you, Sandy.
I like that quote of Joy's you repeated. That is so true. I'm to the point that I try not to read about a lot of the activities in the current Presidency as they are so extremely distressing to me.
I see a similarity in parenthood. If you feel like you've given everything you have to make your child the best possible person he/she can be and then you see them slipping down the wrong path... You have a right to be disappointed. You will probably also use whatever methods you can in order to reign the child in and put him/her back on the right path. Just because you are disappointed does not mean you love the child any less.
Perhaps one could even argue that you love the child/country/freedoms/liberties even more because you're willing to ignite something in the person/people in order to move towards a more positive path.... At least more than someone that chooses to ignore the poor decisions and bad behavior.
Lainie P., Mar 19, 2008, 1:07pm EDT
Thanks, E.M. I raise my can back at ya.
Lyndon, my fear about media literacy programs is that they could easily go beyond a simple explanation of subliminal manipulation and fall into the hands/sights of other manipulators (AFA, for example).
Ivy, thanks for pointing out the danger of "no excuses" on a broader scale. I have zero tolerance for zero tolerance, and have scars from my battle with the school board.
E.M., I considered leaving when the Supreme Court put a loser in office. I realized I could never look my grandchild(ren, later) in the eye if I didn't stay here and fight to save my country.
You are very kind, Stephanie.
But to those deeply entrenched on the other side, it's much easier to call our patriotism, our religion or damn near anything else into question than it is to admit that the government has failed us over and over and over again.
The crucial circumstance is the nature of the money we use. If we make a basic change, to a kind of money never before known or even thought of in all of history, we can change the circumstances and end these problems regardless of who is in office. Yes we can end poverty, war, inflation, unemployment, organized crime, taxes, government regulation of business, and so forth with a great increase in production and reduction in pollution as side benefits.
To see how it can be done read Invisible Hand here on Gather. Note the comments. This is not a joke or some spiritual change of heart scheme. It assumes that people will be just as greedy and selfish as they are now. In fact, it depends on human greed to work which I think is a firm foundation. :-) We can make a great improvement in all our lives (rich and poor alike) at no cost to anyone. Sounds impossible? But then you haven't read the book yet.
Any good parent knows their child will and does make mistakes. It's the willingness of said parent to point out those mistakes and ensure the child understands them that sets those progeny apart from their spoiled and ill-behaved counterparts. It's a lot more work, it's harder and the children rarely appreciate it at the time. But they will, in the long run, they will. And the reward is raising a praiseworthy person which is much more rewarding in the long run, then empty manipulation and praise from a brat of a child.
Thanks again, Lainie. If I haven't said it before (to you, I know I said it to someone else), I think you are very wise for your age. Well, I think you are wise for any age.
Absolutely, Stephanie... Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of people don't realize this. Probably because you're right - it is harder and more work and underappreciated at the time...
I think you are very wise for your age. Well, I think you are wise for any age.
Thanks, Sandy!
I totally agree with you - real love, whether for your country or your child, means wanting the best for them, and wanting them to achieve their full potential. And that means telling them when they are wrong and supporting them in fixing it. It's the parents who DON'T do this who end up raising unproductive, destructive, unlovable brats. Which, by the way, is exactly what some of the so-called patriotic, liberal-bashing folks on Gather sound like - immature, whiny, spoiled brats.
It's a lot more work, it's harder and the children rarely appreciate it at the time. But they will, in the long run, they will. So true, Stephanie. There's a big age difference between my two. One of the most rewarding experiences in my life was when I heard the older telling the younger exactly this. And now the younger one is old enough to tell me this herself. There were times when I almost wanted to give up with the younger one, because it wasn't easy, and times when I made excuses for her and had twice the work to undo that damage. In the end, it is exactly as you say – we all appreciate the work the work we did together.
Love of country isn't worship. IIRC the founding fathers were pretty excited about an idea called the "social contract." AFAIK a contract is a mutual agreement.
He was shilling it in Karl Leuba's article Pop Quiz, Janna O'Donnell's Daddy Can You Come Home Now and zillions of others.
Come on. Participate and stop marketing.
Thanks, Sheryl. I'm glad you mentioned achieving full potential. On the individual level, I understand that it is important to recognize unique capabilities (or limitations), and work with them instead of making them excuses.
Parenting is solid work, it takes time and attention, and it's a thankless task for most of it unless you're satisfied to see the spark of beauty in a child's heart grow into a fabulous persona. If you think someone else is responsible for ensuring that happens (school, church, media, friends, etc), you are in for one hell of a disappointment. And, worse, you've wasted a wonderful child.
every comment I see from Larry M. is hawking his book. Thanks for that X. I was trying to decide how to respond since he did include relevant thoughts. It's one thing to link a similar article, but to ask everyone on the thread to read an entire book seems a little overboard.
"No more new defense systems, junior, until you've proven you can use them with superior judgment and without undue harm to innocents."
I'll vote for this!
Besides bringing them to the woodshed, I'd like to know if we can cut off their allowance?
At least, that's my opinion.
I just had to laugh at what an idiot this woman sounded like. My kids wore jeans from K-Mart and did not have all the technology gadgets, and they have turned out a lot better than some of their same age group that did have all these things.
Getting back to the analogy, some people tend to think that supporting our country means standing behind the president and giving him everything he asks for. That you are a traitor, and "helping the terrorists", if you don't. Well, I think it's the same thing are giving these teenagers everything they want, all the time. Same result - mindless parents, and out-of-control, destructive kids.
What I'm concerned with is the growing trend I've seen in otherwise responsible adults to let someone else do the moral raising of their children. I agree, Stephanie. Sad thing is, some of the people who think they are providing moral raising are the ones who take their children to church on Sunday and then turn them loose to hate people and destroy the world the rest of the week. Sigh. Let's keep talking this through – there has to be an answer.
Lyndon, I think all of what you mention is important – community, home/tribe, current and past information, heart-to-hearts, and technology.
If you guys just heard a strange screeching sound, that was what came from my body when I read this: Of course, they had on a financial planner that stated that the most expensive period would be the teenage years since most kids refuse to wear jeans from K-Mart and have all the latest technology gadgets.
It's a statement born of fear. The fear that "You might be right after all, and are therefore threatening." I agree (and I'm so happy to see you here), John.
With that said, I have to give you a huge cheer Sandy. I enjoyed reading this. I agree 100%.
Stuff is becoming more and more a substitute for attention. I still remember, when my firstborn was tiny, carrying her around whenever I could, even when she was sleeping. My ex and his mother said I was "spoiling" her. I told them (and still hold by), you don't spoil a child with attention. You spoil them with all the stuff you give them instead of attention. I'm stunned more people don't realize this.
That may be true, Sandy. I personally think that it's pure laziness.....giving your kids treats when they demand them is abdicating to their demands so that you don't have to deal with the push-back and fall-out that you describe in your article. I've seen parents do this so often.....just give in to their kids in order to avoid having to do the tough job of parenting and walking away, rolling their eyes. I just want to shake them. They can't be bothered to do take the time and effort required to teach important lessons. They are either too selfish and self-absorbed, or too busy, or too lazy.
As Stephanie put so beautifully, being a good parent is a very tough job. It means sticking to your guns even when it's tough to do. It means saying "no" and not caving. But, if you do that from the very beginning, it's not so hard because your kids internalize the value system and their 2-yr-old tantrums subside with maturity and wisdom.
I see a lot of immature parents who want to be "friends" with their kids ...they dress like them, talk in the same manner, "hang out" with them and their friends, etc. Kids don't need more friends, they need solid parents who will show them the right way, correct them when they are wrong whether they like it or not that very instant, and know that their love is unconditional.
*sigh* I really wish there was some way of keeping these kinds of people from having kids just for the sake of "having" them and then ruining another human being's life. There should be some kind of test that one should pass before being given total responsibility for another person's life.
Although you're right in carefully and persistently instructing your child and not abandoning him, you do have that control. As long as the child is teachable, the child will finally get your message and learn from it. There is no reason to abandon the child. You're doing your job as a parent.
Of course, you see where this is headed. We don't have that same control as citizens. Perhaps we should, but we don't. You said, "As a citizen, it is my job to believe in my government, arm it with strength and knowledge, and I take my job seriously."
Yes, it is, and I am very happy that you are one who takes it seriously, but where is your control? I certainly don't feel empowered with any.
It means saying "no" and not caving. The ones that really annoy me are those who try to make society remove the temptations so they don't have to say no. Because they can't tell their child to ignore the vending machines, or have one soda or treat a day, they want the vending machines taken away from everyone. Or, because they can't monitor what their children do on the internet or watch on television, they want everyone to have to see only what they approve.
Stephanie, your comment reminds me of car time. Some of the best conversations I had with my parents and children took place while riding in the car. We were close to one another, without distractions, and no one could walk away. Now, I see cars where some passengers are far enough away from the driver that conversation would be difficult, and each passenger is talking to someone else on a cell phone, or watching a movie, or playing a video game. It seems like a lot of missed opportunity to me.
I always am baffled by those who want to limit choice out of fear of the possibility that someone may make a choice that they do not agree with. That is the basis of all censorship, isn't it? Instead of raising children with good values and internal control mechanisms, we try to control the environment instead.
Maybe that's why we are in the economic mess we are in presently with credit debt and out-of-control spending. There are no internal controls and common sense. Everyone looks to their "leaders" to control their environment so that they do not have to take responsibility for their mistakes.
So...Hey. I'll let y'al get back to it.
I'd opt for spanking the tar out of baby bush and sending him to the impeachment room. I'm sure the fundies would call the cops on me though for abusing my rights.
Sheryl, teaching a child good solid self-control and common sense over their own life vs. trying to manipulate their environment to the point where they won't have the choices to make. Sheryl, I think it is the safest way to live since all we really have control over is ourselves and how we respond to what goes on around us.
Great point about Maybe that's why we are in the economic mess we are in presently with credit debt and out-of-control spending. If parents go into debt giving kids everything they want, how can those kids not grow up to think they deserve everything they want even if they can't pay for it?
Debra, although it sounds like great fun, the sting of the spanking would probably wear off before he learned his lesson.
Thanks, Don, Jonathan, Wilhelmine, and AC.
I am assuming that the resources you refer to are advertising minutes/dollars? Media corruption is one of the many causes on my list but I'm not sure how you are connecting it to this conversation so I'm not sure how to respond.
Not that the political part isn't important too, but it isn't as important to me right now in my life.
Nice to see you again, Gisela! I'm going to follow you and see if I can find a new picture of that grandbaby.
Thank you too, Aniko.
Stephanie B. already said as well as I could have so I will just quote her.
"I'm 100%, completely in agreement with this article and everything it says, including loving my country and being ashamed of its behavior.
I couldn't have said it better. Thank you, Sandy."
The problem these days is that too many people want to abrogate their responsibility and let "some one else" deal with the problems.
I have a real problem with those who, even now with such a crucial election looming on the horizon, choose not to exercise their right to vote.
After what this country has gone through to ensure that all citizens have that right, it's a real tragedy to see so many waive their voting priviledges.
What a great philosophy of child rearing!!!
Thanks, Sandy, for this article. Even the off-point thread was good. That doesn't happen often.
It also requires the following of the old saying about teaching a man to fish.
I'm not into holding the government or the peoples' hand, but I am quite willing to SHOW them what I wish to see and how it might come to pass.
Sandy,
Once again, I can say I am proud to be one of your readers and that this is one of your characteristically outstanding articles!
We have always been taught to be responsible for our actions...what happened to the rest of the country?
...oh yeah...
Alcohol, drugs and Television shows....what a rough life they have...oh, and don't forget the nearly daily trip to Wal-Mart to 'shop' (I wish I had that much money and time)
I don't think I can blame alcohol, drugs, or television. Many (probably safe to say most) of the people I know who want others to take responsibility for raising their children are begging the government/society to take television options away from the rest of us, to put religion in school so they don't have to worry about teaching morals at home, and don't seem to have drug or alcohol problems.
I always take my kids with me to vote, right into the booth where I explain how I'm voting and why. I'm sure it infuriates the people behind me in line because it takes so long. Too bad.
They once let my daughter fill out a sample ballot. I don't know if it made it into the shredder or the ballot box. I hope for the latter.
I'm happy to be the exact opposite of what is described here. I may be a bit of an extremist as far as no one except me will raise my children.
Our schools allow the kids to vote, so they get to practice and see the results of their votes.
I took two grandchildren to a political function yesterday. When I invited them, I explained that I thought they were mature enough to attend since they willingly listen to political speeches on television, but wouldn't force them to go if they weren't interested. Not only were they interested, they spent the night before making posters to take. They listened, they cheered, and they had a great time, but younger one told her mother she went to vote. The other explained carefully that she did not get to vote, but she was there to support the "very smart" man that we want everybody to vote for.
I do, Lyndon. I'm sure you see the difference between that conversation and this one.
If only it would work for our government.
Well thought out as always Sandy. ZING straight to the heart and to the point
Anita, I'm happy for you that you missed the meltdowns. I've experienced enough of them for both of us (my children and some I were glad weren't mine).
Lyndon, no need to apologize. As far as I know, there aren't any rules. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew we were talking about two different topics. I didn't understand Erik's comment to come from the same place yours did, and did think I addressed your point in the article with this: I don't reinforce any of the excuses she might hear from anyone, anywhere, any time in her life. I think it is my job as a parent to watch television with my child and teach her to see through the problems you point out.
I hope you are referring to the major networks and not including the cable channels. There are more religious, sports, and shopping channels on cable than I want to see, but at least I have more choices and can almost always find something of value to watch there. This is why I always speak up when I see people complain about "poor" people who "waste" money on cable television. I consider it a necessity.
I am as unhappy with the situation you describe as anyone. But, if I don't want others telling me what I should watch, I have to be careful about saying I don't want them to have access to corporate-driven garbage if that is what they choose. I fight for truth, but not necessarily against all bias.
The analogy was wonderful, but I surely cannot take the government out and beat it's hind end in. Although, the thought has crossed my mind.
Thanks for reading and commenting, and for the connection request.