Smells like Easter (open some windows)

Like most pet owners, we try to include our animals in our holiday celebrations. For example, every Christmas our pets get a stocking full of treats and all of the candy canes hung from the lower branches of the tree. On Halloween, we usually dress them up then time how long it takes them to remove it (the cat still holds the record at 3 seconds). And on the 4th of July, most of my time is spent removing our largest dog's nose from my groin since he believes it will magically protect him from the booming shower of sparks falling from the sky.

With Easter coming up, we include the pets by making sure that the Easter Ninja (or bunny, if you haven't converted to the new system) leaves a few treats in the designated pet basket. That's usually where the pet involvement ends, unless one of the dogs eats some of the Easter grass. If that happens, the Easter fun continues a few days more while the dog butt scoots across the backyard in between impressions of a goldfish with a string of poop dangling from his backside.

Surprisingly, a little Easter grass isn't the worst thing your pet can ingest while joining in the family Easter traditions. We found this out last year when one of our dogs decided to participate in the Easter morning egg hunt. Besides just leaving baskets, the Easter Ninja (or bunny) also hides our colored eggs around the house for the kids to find when they wake up Easter morning. So after the baskets were emptied, the kids set out to find the two dozen eggs hidden around our house by the Easter mascot.

They found nine.

Another search was performed, this time with parental assistance, and four more eggs were discovered. Another count and another search did nothing to increase our found egg tally. Where could those other eleven eggs be?

As if on cue, the larger of our two dogs lumbered down the stairs. As he plopped down on the carpet he made a peculiar sound…. neither a bark or a growl… something more like an "oolf". The wife and I exchanged a few compulsory "do you think he really?" glances before concluding that he had the means, opportunity, and sheer ignorance to perpetrate the egg theft.

Although he deserved a reprimand for his actions, I could tell from the look on his face and the sound rumbling from his stomach that I needn't bother to scold him. Somewhere in his primitive dog brain, realization sank in that eating nearly a dozen eggs shell and all wasn't a good idea.

Regular readers of this column will attest that I generally avoid gross out humor, but I wouldn't be much of a man if I didn't admit that the resulting smell was LEGENDARY. Just consider the science involved: First there's the dog, and dogs' are known for having some rather offensive gas. Second, eggs when consumed are also known for producing rank smelling gas. So a dog consuming eleven hard boiled eggs? In terms of farts, it was a perfect storm.

It was an eye watering, asphyxiating stench that any eighth grade boy would have been proud to claim. The best way to describe it would be to say it smelled like a burning sulfur factory next door to a burning rubber band factory. I wouldn't have been surprised if UN weapons inspectors had shown up at my house with a sternly worded letter accusing me of mass producing chemical weapons.

Besides the smell, the dog was also radiating a dank, humidity you could feel whenever he entered a room. Thankfully you could feel him before you smelled him which made it easier to avoid getting engulfed in the hanging stench cloud. Part of me felt sorry for him, but another part of me (specifically, the one who never outgrew junior high) wanted to give him a high five. Thankfully his system cleared up the next day and we were able to open the windows to air the place out.

To prevent a repeat of last year's attack on the olfactory sense, we've requested the Easter mascot to leave the eggs for us to hide rather than leaving them where the dog might get them. I'd like to think that he learned his lesson last year, but he's already chomped down a few stray strands of Easter grass.