I recently have been brought back to this article that I wrote two years ago. Because I do not have a computer that is trustworthy to write many updates at this point, I do want to say that the past two years have been the worst and yet the best since I began dancing with my past trauma memories and repercussions. 30 years ago!!! But in the past two years I found that in all that time I have been working my way to the core of the pain. Point of reference. To begin to heal. Not easy. Worth every second. I want to write more about it, but need to find a good computer, and a comfortable place to sit. It is difficult to go inside and write from the battle scene. But that is how it is done to be authentic about it. I look forward to addressing this monster again...Oh, and GWBush is no longer in office. What a BLESSING!
Love to everyone I know and will get to know....peg
Recently I have been hearing a lot about PTSD. So much so that my stomach began to grind together, my esophagus would close during the more intense moments, and I experienced dizziness, nausea and refused to leave my house. No, I do not have the flu. Unless intense revulsion toward GWB jr and family can be considered a virus, which that could be an argument. Surely it is as solid as the new avoidance to treat soldiers coming back from Iraq with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is being called a preexisting mood disorder, thus the war is not responsible, the government owes these soldiers nothing and on and on and on. So I began to think of my PTSD. Was it preexisting before my birth? Is it a birth defect? Was I born Twisted in the Head? In order to get off the wheel of self pity and sickeningly on going self analysis, I began to think of a set of diagnostic questions, sort of like the ones they used to put on late at night for the TV viewer to review their drinking habits and were they indeed...Alcoholic. I passed that test with flying colours, or one could say, I flunked horribly. The only question that I answered no to, was "Do you hide your alcohol from your family so that they do not know how much you drink?" Hell no! I was quite proud of my ability to drink the boys under the table, of being on a first name basis with the local police, etc. It was when the limits I stretched beyond possibility began to snap back with equal if not triple force, that I had to readjust my view of my alcohol and drug addictions and decided that yes, I did have quite the problem.
Ok, I digress. This is because I spend so much time alone, with no one to talk to. In fact, when I do go out to our new organic green store, I won't shut up until they shut down.
Questions for PTSD. Do you experience:
1. A need to isolate
2. Do you jump at your own reflection in the window at night. I mean JUMP. And the needles of adrenaline do not go away when you recognize yourself.
3. Do you sometimes look in the mirror and realize you are surprised that you have a reflection.
4. Does your mind flash back to a previous event, not a good one, without you bidding it to do so, and thus catching you unawares.
5. Do you get flashes of colour such as red hinting at perhaps...blood.
6. Have you been out on a date, and when the other person touches you however innocently, you have a sudden desire to kill them.
7. Do you have nightmares. A lot.
8. When you are driving your vehicle do you get sudden urges to simply drive off the road, preferable into a pond. Not like a suicide attempt, merely a stupid attempt at doing something stupid.
9. Do you argue when people agree with you.
10. Do you fly off into a rage when someone interrupts one of your internalized sessions of self pity.
11. Do you have trouble working for someone else.
12. Do you sabotage anything that looks promising, convincing yourself that there is no promise and then aching all over because you realize there was. (promise of a good thing)
13. Do you rage at inanimate objects, like the door jam that stubbed your toe on, convinced that the fault was the narrow door way, not your judgment.
14. Do you not recognize a friend yet know that they are a friend, so pretend that all is well until the synapses connect.
15. Do you talk to a stranger believing that you know them, and suddenly realize...whoops.
The last two could be due to my T.B.I. I'll explain later.
Okay, those are a few of my favourite symptoms of PTSD. Sober PTSD. I have had a need to address this issue and wanted to actually go into a more serious view of what happens to creative people in the same situations that cause trauma. And I will at some point. But there is also the biggest piece of the disorder. Avoidance behavior. If this sort of dark humour pisses you off concerning a life debilitating disorder...you probably have the disorder. Let me remind you one thing. I know I have the disorder and I watch how it eats away at my quality of life. I suppose another important question here would be: Do you have an elevated sense of humour that seems cosmic in its ridiculous rational. Do you crack your self up over some thoughts that go through your head. Do you laugh at funerals. If so...Get Help. I did. Still do and wonder if there will ever come a day when today is merely today.