Bud and Irene Do Vegas

Bud asked Irene, "If gambling is so fun, how come no one here is smiling?"

She didn't have an answer for that, neither did she have an excuse for dragging him into Ceasar's Palace. Sure he had his usual urgent need for a restroom, but they could have searched for one anywhere, not in the electronic forest of a casino.

"Look" Irene exclaimed "a 1¢ slot machine!"

Bud would have nothing of it, "That's how they suck you in."

"C'mon, you don't have a penny in your pocket?", she coaxed him.

He glared at her, "I got a pocket FULL of change."

That was a sore point between the two of them. She never wore pants with pockets or carried a purse large enough, so Bud became her mule. He always left for their outings with empty hands and empty pockets, but before long he was lugging shopping bags, and swishing like a Marimba band from all the lose change.

"Don't be such a cheap sake. Gimme a penny", Irene insisted, she wasn't buying his bluster.

Bud dug her out one penny then started looking for the restrooms.

"Hold up there Bud, there is no place to put a coin."

She was right. There was a dollar slot, a place for a credit card, a tower of blinking lights topped by a large glowing sign that read 1¢, but no coin slot.

Bud examined the machine thoroughly, tracing a finger along the buttons. He poked at one to illustrate his point. "Look here Irene, this ain't a penny machine, it's a 20¢ machine, that's the minimum bid". To Bud that said it all, "Nothing in this town makes sense"

"Gimme a dollar then."

"Are you CRAZY??"

"Quit being cheap. You're embarrassing me."

He gave her one dollar, along with a look that made her pay for it.

She fed in the dollar then starting hitting buttons. Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Ding. She lost five consecutive 20 cent bids - but on the last spin won a penny.

Bud was adamant,"Okay, let's go, you had your fun." 

Confused, she asked, "How do I get the penny out of there?"

Sure enough, not only was there no slot for putting coins in, there was no tray for getting coins out.

By now Bud had lost all patience. "Darn it, I really got to pee."

"Well, I'm not going to leave my winnings in the machine", she whined.

"Find someone to help you, I GOT to use the restroom."

He wound through the Casino and everything confirmed every bad impression he ever had of one. He felt adrift in a sea of bright lights and compulsive people and that made him mad. He worked darned hard for every cent he ever earned and he had done well for Irene, the kids and himself. Luck had nothing to do with it.

The restrooms were almost impossible to find, but Bud managed and resolved to enjoy some peace away from Irene and all the other foolish people. He settled in -- then started to think, what was she doing? He had better go find her and get her away from the slots. After a bit of wandering he found her where he left her.

He couldn't believe his senses. There she sat, the machine merrily chiming it's way through their hard earned money. Bing, bing, bing, ding, the credits counting down rapidly from $15.40.

"What did you feed that machine?" Bud asked, shaking with anger.

"Oh, for Christ Sake, I put in a $20. You spent more than that on souvenirs."

"Those were gifts for the crew," he explained, and as a further qualification "a BUSINESS expense."

Ding! $15.20.

Ding! $15.00.

Ding! $14.80.

"GET OUT OF THERE IRENE, you're losing our money!"

"Okay smarty pants, let's see if you can do any better."

Bud stared at the slot machine. He couldn't make hide nor hair of it. There were four rows of symbols, six symbols to the row. But what did the symbols mean? Oh what the hell, he hit the button labeled "SPIN".

Ding! $14.40.

It cost 40 cents to hit a button! Where was the thrill in that?

Ding! $14.00.

"See you ain't so clever, are you?" Irene accused. She was enjoying this. She got a kick out of anything that spilled the wind from his sails when he got into a huff.

Ding! $13.80.

Bud could feel Irene smirk on his back.

"Bet a buck", she egged him.

"No way", he snapped back.

"We'll lose faster that way" she promised, "then we can leave."

He hit SPIN again.

Ding! POW!! ZING! TADA! The machine went crazy. It announced "YOU WON 50 FREE SPINS" then it locked its buttons, ignored Bud and went off on its own tack. By the time it finished, they earned $60.40.

"Wow!" Irene was excited "we can go all night!"

Bud shot her a look, "We're cutting 'er off right here. We're quiting while we're ahead."

Irene knew Bud, having won was good but having shown her a thing or two was what would really make his night.

"Just hit CASH OUT" she told him, "then we can go."

Now Bud was about as happy as Bud ever got. They redeemed the cash-out ticket for three crisp $20 bills and that made Bud feel generous and expansive. "We could walk through the mall if you want" he offered then hesitated "you won't be buying anything will you?"

Irene took his hand "Honey, there's nothing here you couldn't find at Wal-Mart."

Technically, Irene was right. Wal-Mart carried jewelry the same as Cartier, and clothes the same as Versache, {though admittedly a bit more downscale} but this only made window shopping more fun. Now she would be happy and Bud could settle on a bench with his reading glasses and technical journals.

After a few hours, having linked up, they were on the way out when Irene stopped to eye the offerings at a Gelloto booth.

Bud's generosity still glowed. "Want some ice-cream?"

"Sure"

He ordered a large cup of mint chocolate. The clerk, a fast-talking kid wearing a weird beard and a weirder beret chided him by holding up a tiny cup. "That's our large, you can do better for yourself than that."

"How much is the next size up?"

The kid pointed to the price list by the cashier. Bud was too embarrassed to admit he couldn't read the print that far away.

"Alright, gimme the next size up."

The kid held up the next size cup - disapprovingly.

"Alright, alright" Bud had clipped the Casino for $60, no need to be stingy "the next one up."

Irene chirped in counter-point, "I'll have a SMALL Peanut-Butter Cup."

"I thought we were going to share?" said Bud, his voice carrying a tone of peevishness.

"If we were going to share, you should have asked what I wanted to eat."

Irene had him there.

Bud waited until the clerk scooped out Irene's ice-cream, then digging for a $5, stepped around to the cashier.

She rang him up, reading off the total "$44.50"

"WHAT?" Bud was stunned, "You got the wrong order."

"No, that is correct. One small and one 'Terminator'" Bud had ordered the Terminator. The cashier pointed to the price list. The small cost $12.00 and the 'Terminator' sold for $32.50.

"That's insane" Bud told the cashier, "I'm not paying."

"Don't make a scene." Irene hissed.

Defeated he handed the cashier his three crisp twenty dollar bills.

"I told you Irene, the house always wins."

"Yeah, it does", she said, and that tickled her.

© Greg Schiller, 2008
Author: Greg Schiller