My Wet Dream

I have noticed quite a few Gather articles dealing with dreams in the past two months. Some of the dreams and some of the comments have been pretty wild and sometimes scary. I also dream and my dreams usually make little sense, but I enjoy dreaming because most of my dreams are in color. Many of my dreams are influenced by what I've seen on TV before going to sleep. I rarely have nightmares, but I do talk in my sleep sometimes. My wife can always tell when I've watched too many 'Girls Gone Wild' commercials. Well, that's what I tell her. I want to share with you the dream I had last night.

I had a wet dream. No, no it's not what you might imagine. I had a wet dream because I accidentally spilled the glass of water on my nightstand all over me. My first thought was that someone was waterboarding me, but realized I was feeling rather thirsty. I got up and realized my T-shirt and boxers were wet and so I went to get some dry clothes. My wife saw me and said, 'Couldn't you hold it until you got to the toilet? Maybe I should buy you some Depends.' I then told her what happened, but did not go into detail about what I was dreaming and instead told her I was having a dream about fly fishing.

In my dream, I had gone to New York state to protest against dandelion propagationists. Many blonde women and one from Indiana with pink hair had joined me in my protests. I was standing there shouting slogans when Eliot Spitzer approached me and said, 'I'd like you to go on a blind date with this cute brunette.' I looked at him and said, "I'm a married man.' He said, 'Look you don't have to do anything but hold hands and she'll pay you $5,000.' '$5,000!' I sputtered and thought of all the Guinness beer and pizza I could buy with this much change. I could even afford extra toppings. I said, 'Why me?' and he replied 'Because she's the DB rater who always gives you 1 star.'

Oh, I was tempted with dreams of black liquid flowing into my beer mug. Eliot could see I was wavering and he said, 'Your train ticket and rubber ducky will be paid for.' 'Rubber ducky!? Why would I need a rubber ducky?,'I said in a dumbfounded voice as I saw a bluebird fly by. 'He said, 'You'll need it for the outdoor bathtubs. They'll sit side by side in the hotel parking lot, so you can hold hands.' I said, 'No way I'm sitting nude outside in a bathtub.' He said, 'Relax, you can wear the same boxer shorts you're wearing now.' That certainly was a relief, but I still had my suspicions something wasn't kosher.

I said, 'I want to see a photograph of this woman before I agree.' He took out his laptop and surfed to the Escargot site and showed me her photograph, but I couldn't see her clearly because I don't wear my glasses when I sleep. I squinted and thought I saw a ring in her nose and a heart with the words 'Momma' tattooed on her bulging biceps and said so to Eliot. He looked and said, 'Oh, I'm sorry that's a picture of the ex-governor of New Jersey.' He reached in his briefcase and took out a magazine and said, 'Here, her picture is in here.' As I reached to unfold the centerfold, I spilled the water all over myself and woke up. To avoid the possibility of another wet dreams, I'm going to put a lid on the glass next to my bed stand from now on. Did I miss a special moment?