Are you guilty - Emotional and Verbal Abuse

I try my best every day not to tear down my kids but to build them up. The world already does that for them. I pray by the grace of God for my home to be the safe haven for my children.

ouch.. Thats alot.. and yes it happens all the time in this world.. there are some thing I myself need to work on.. did not relize ALl the types.. Thanks for sharing this Renee!

Thanks for posting this, Renee. It's important that folks realize this IS abuse.

Renee, this is excellent. You are so right. A baby's only source of information is his parents. If they tell him he is bad, he will believe it. That is tragic. He is a good child who did a bad thing or who made a mistake. We all make them.
I heard a sermon once that made the statement that belittling, critical words are a sin against the commandment "Thou Shalt not Kill." Words can kill the spirit, which is a cruel sin against a person. Humiliating a child is usually the work of a person who feels inferior.

Once in awhile.

I plead not guilty!! I grew up with people putting me down so I would never do something like this. I will take the abuse with out saying anything back. This a lot of people take as a weakness but it take more to not stoop down to that level. I grew up in a time when nothing was known about Learning Disabilities which I suffered from. I was called so many names and had been hurt so many times I would never hurt anyone that way. All People are different and to see those differences is the trick, not to put people down but lift them up and make others feel special.

This is a great article. I try to limit what I think about people to my head.

You know I am not perfect...and I think I have been guilty. Thanks goodness I have been doing my best to eliminate outburst (Like I SAID STOP IT!) on my part because I see that it will be an issue. I have been verbally abused and I think that is where it comes from. Luckily the only I am guilty of is manipulation....no matter how playful it was at the time. Thanks for publishing this Renee. I PROMISE I will do my very best to make it end here.

Verbal abuse is very painful.. very painful indeed.

Since Talking down to someone can hurt their feelings and tear down their self-esteem, yes I would consider that a form of abuse. People would be shocked at all the different things that are considered abuse.

We all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God.

Thank you for this well written article, Renee. Sometimes, we don't realize the harm we cause with words. Remember that saying: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me? What a Lie that was!!! I've always believed that words can be more detrimental than the physical. Bruises and broken ones can heal. But the emotional scarring can last a lifetime.

Excellent -- Sarcasm should be included in this list.

May I pass this along Renee?

Blessings ~
Rene

Hi Renee, this is great ... thank you gor posting.

thank you for posting this...

bruises heal over time words can hurt a lifetime

Please do Rene'

Tiffany I believe we all need to work on at least one thing listed in this article.

Nice work Renee. Excellent article.

great article,thanks!

Rene' thank you I added sarcasm to my article

Great article, Renee. Thanks for bringing this up.

All have, indeed, sinned and come short of the glory of God.
That's why Jesus took our place on Calvary.
We've all belittled somebody at some time in our lives. Maybe even without noticing it. But those of us who trust Jesus repent and try to do better.
Shall we continue in our sin? God forbid!
Thanks for pointing out the terrible sin it is to speak thus to children. And to one another, be it adult or child.
I can't promise I won't ever say anything hurtful again. Put I will surely make a valiant effort not to do so.

Hi Renee ~ Thank you so much for bringing this over. This needs to be said again and again.

Blessings ~
Rene

I have had verbal abuse and physical abuse and both are bad. Bruises may heal but when you were injured as a baby and your parents didn't get you care because they probably did it...and you find out after an operation how awful the damage was like the bone grew in wrong....and the surgeon is incredulous you had no idea...and all your life this arm went in and out of the socket...well, Let me tell you...this is just one of the injures I got and yea verbal was bad but physical isn't always just a bruise...and if it is...that bruise says "You are bad, you deserves this, you earned it and you will always get more of this and no matter what I say, I hate you"

Please all abuse is bad...all leave nightmares in your brain. I had it all. I don't want to go into it. Yes verbal abuse is awful. I have heard mothers tell children in the store that they wish they never had the child. Yes, I have been told to stay out of it. I wonder if you do this in public, what are you doing in private?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I had my jaw fixed in my thirties from getting it hit back and forth and I have arthritis in the back of my head from it hitting a stair post every time my Dad hit me and the back of my head hit the post. It swells up and everyone thinks it's just fat...it gets hot and it shows up on x ray...

And believe me, if it wasn't for God, I would have died. All abuse is bad..there is no good abuse...if you think physical doesn't send a bad message like verbal, think again. My arm is not right, it will never be right but at least it stays in the socket now. Was I shocked that my car accident only made it worse and so it had to be operated on? NO.
Was I shocked that one of my parents did this and didn't get me medical care? NO. Why, well twice I remember my Mother tried to take my life. Once with a steak knife and once with a pillow, why would it surprise me? I forgave them, I took care of them, and they are both gone. So what is the point of anger now.

Bruises and broken bones can heal, but please they damage the person just as bad as words and in the same way. When you are beat like a dog with a belt buckle, have a bloody nose that never heals, go to school with max factors on your face...hey it hurts inside...it does last.

And when I left home at 18, my Dad told me to get in the car, he was going to take me home and give me the worst beating of my life. Any wonder I didn't go back?

This is well written Renee words are like daggers to a child and don't think I am trying to lessen you message. I just get so angry when people say bruises will heal. When anyone talks loud I drop what is in my hands. The programing is that abuse will follow and I can't change my reaction no matter how man years have gone by. I walked on eggs as a child, always trying to be perfect so I wouldn't get beat. I got beat about things I didn't do or say. There was no rhyme or reason. I was told by my psychologist that it is amazing I am functional as I am.

I just think that people are comparing apples and oranges when they say this stuff...it's all fruit...no matter what it looks like...it may taste different but it is all fruit.

Oh, my arm operation was two years ago in Feb 2006. Mom died in 2003 and Dad died 3 years ago this month.

I am taking care of my nineteen year old grandson, the victim of verbal and emotional abuse, plus PTSD, and it is hard to see him this way, but love is helping him, I don't know how another person can deliberately hurt another in this way, unless they are inertly cruel and controlling, which his father was and still is. Thanks for letting people realize what abuse is, Rene, I think some don't know it when they are doing it. My mother told me over and over when I was a kid, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, once a word is spoken, it cannot be taken back.

Heather I am so sorry you have had to go through this as well. Please don't think I am saying one is worse then the other. For me yes the emotional and verbal was the abuse for me I think the reasoning is because it is still going on by my mother. Maybe as well we all hear a mother's love is unconditional and I never had that unconditional love. I as well have the effects from the physical not to the degree of surgeries but I have the pain. I always hurt especially in my arms, and back. Thank god you are still here.

I was wondering what I was guilt of...lol great article

Elsie I believe they don't realize they are doing it either. I sometimes will say something and catch myself and get mad at myself for saying it. I as well think sometimes I act as I do because of the way I grew up which makes me even madder at myself. I believe I shouldn't say the things I do to people and that I of all people should know better. I am so lucky to have an understanding and loving husband who has helped me in so many ways, however he has taken a lot too. Still he supports me, talks to me and most of all loves me. He knows what its like.

lol Jennifer sorry that was probable a little sneaky

Good article. Abuse is abuse, verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, all need to be stopped.

Good article verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse belive me I know I have been through it.

Going down that list, I would say that my Mom used all those tactics on me. I agree that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

Excellent article, Renee. Good work!

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Great article! I have been there on the victim side.

Using verbal abuse is like making a taped recording that replays everytime a person has a bad situation arise. It takes years of practice to erase the tapes and then they are never truly erased as they come back in times of self-doubt. Very good article. I tried to raise my daughter without these type of verbal bashing but surely a few slipped through. Hopefully she will remember the positive reinforcement rather than anything negative. I didn't want her to grow up a victim as I did and for her to become a strong self-substaining adult. So far that seems to be the case so hopefully I broke the cycle.

Verbal abuse is painful and damaging. Children nedd to be raised with kindness.

Great article to raise awareness. WHen I am mad at my daughter I flat out tell her "Mommy is upset right now but I still love you very very much and always will not matter what you do" and i also do what the counselors say to do by separating the behavior from the child, so if she says "mommy i was bad at school today" i say "no honey you are a good girl always you just made a bad choice for today maybe next time since you have LEARNED that is a bad choice you will make a better one" things like that separating it so if she does have bad behavior she doeesn't feel like it made her a bad person permanently. She says "mommy how do you know I am a good person" and I tell her "Well honey because when people get hurt I see you rush to help them or get them help and you always try to make them feel better, a bad person would have just kicked them and laughed at them or ignored them!" then she always smiles and says "your right mommy i am a good person, i will make better choices next time"

It turns out she may have ADHD and that is why she is incapable of behaving at school (her principle calls me often, her teacher emails me daily, and she has been suspended from her school after care program all at the tender age of 6) if that is the case I will sit her down and explain there is nothing wrong with her, she just has a biological trait that makes her more likely to have problems with behavior and explain the medicine will help her calm down some and the behavior therapy will help her LEARN how to make the right choices which is something everyone has to do, LEARN. It is much easier to remain patient when you know there is a potential reason behind your child's inability to behave in social situations!

I think we have all been guilty of some of these things at different times. I do want to say, though, that for myself, being aware is HUGE, and gives me the opportunity to apologize to the person involved and make an honest effort to not go there again. I don't think it fair to label anyone who is guilty of moentary lapses as "abusive," and by definition abuse is an ongoing, persistent event. I only say that because I can almost see people cringing as they read this and think, "Oh my God, I am SO terrible," and I want to say to THOSE people, "No, you are not, you are HUMAN." And frankly, if a person is truly an abuser, they aren't going to read past the first paragrpah of this article; they will see one or two things that might hit a chord and will stop immediately, or they will read through and justify, as in, "She/he shouldn't have done this and then I wouldn't have done THIS." the people who have read and commented on this are, in my opinion, the REAL people who are willing to look at this stuff-ugly stuff-and say, "oh my god, I DO this, what do I need to do to STOP?" This is an excellent articel with a lot of really, really important information, and thank you for postting it. You are doing us all a favor, I believe.

Great article very truthful.

Kori you are correct and in no way was this article to say that someone is an abuser just because they have done this a few times. As you said everyone is human. You are as well right that an abuser will not read any of these articles I write for that matter, however what it will do is make someone aware of these abusers and get a child help. This will also make a person stop and think how words can hurt even doing it once. I am guilty of doing it myself and it makes me feel so bad.

very good point!! I know I am guilty sometimes!! Thanks for reminding us that words can hurt too!!

Any type of abuse os rough. I try to be nice to everyone. I don't want them to feel the way I do. My EX-hubby abused me physically, mentally, and emotional for 12 years. It killed my self esteem. I divorced him 6 years ago and still have nightmares from it.

Renee you hit the nail on the head, good for you and us! Thanks!

Thanks you so much for sharing this. It is excellent information that more people need to be aware of. When people were treated this way by their own parents, it's hard not to just do it to the next generation without being aware of the damage you're doing. I do not want any of the children in my life to ever hear these things... bad enough that I did. Thanks for empowering me to be bold and stand up for them when needed.

Thanks for the great article!

Great article, and thank you for sharing it with us.

i agree that abuse is harmfull,, yet there is sometime when there is humor,, I have a good example, I have a niece who is 25 and she is mine by marriage,, She hated her real aunt, Hubby first wife, called her the b***ch or worse. Well since the marriage,, I have become the better B***ch, she tell me it hard to call me aunt, yet there time she does, and she tell me I am so much better then her real aunt. so when we are together we call each other better B***ch, just for fun mainly,, she does love me for me, and I take no offence in it,,,,

I never did believe the "sticks and stones" adage.

We all need to be a little more careful with our words.

A great article and yes most have been guilty of 1,but we all learn to to be a better person.I will say this Do not put all blame on the parents for the abuse to continue from parent to children and so on.If this were true my hubsand would be a very mean man as his parents would abuse him daily and not just mentally but would beat him until blood ran from his back then would put salt on him.I have one of the most loving men god put on this earth and he never lifted a hand to me or the kids.Some times you have to ask for Gods help to make you a better person.I try to be careful with my words and I have said a mean thing or two.But my kids are 37,35,33 and I don't think that they would say they were abused.

I grew up with a lot of verbal abuse as well as some physical. I vowed never to treat my husband the way my mother treated my dad and to never treat my son the way I was treated. I have stuck to those vowes and have good relationships with my husband and son.

Well written renee. Are you aware that the first and most scathing insult from girl to girl is YOU ARE FAT! Oh man people are vicious.

Renee, My other comment was to the other people who said verbal was worse than being hit, bruises go away. The memory of the beating doesn't go away and usually when people beat you they say awful things...My Dad used to tackle me out of no where.... the youngest beating I remember is when I was three or four. We were on a picnic and I wandered by the reservoir. My Dad beat me so bad with his belt, my mother took my clothes off, put me in the back seat of the car, put ice from the cooler on my back and legs...and went on with the picnic. I was crying my heart out...I was naked and in pain and the car was hot....my mother took my clothes off as she knew I wouldn't leave the car so this way no one would see the welts and lumps from the buckle. This is the first memory that stayed with me and was before I was in kindergarten.

I was told I was stupid. I was scared I would make a mistake and kill myself growing up...any wonder I had no self esteem or confidence. It just gets me upset when people make light of a bruise. Yes I had terrible verbal abuse, but I only remember being told I was stupid. When anyone is hit, the angry person is rarely silent.

You wrote a good article Renee and I am sorry I was not more clear that I was responding to the other comments. If anyone thinks beatings don't mess up people, look at dogs...and how they are when beat..either they get vicious or they look so terrible they break your heart.

It is so sad this goes on in our country and people look the other way and say not my business...this is not the 50's and 60's anymore when men beat their wives and children because they thought they owned them and no one cared. As an adult I am sure the teachers and the nurse was so wonderful to me as they saw the max factors erase on my face. I didn't wear make up at all, but back then, there were few places you could make a call but now there are but so many don't get help because people mind their own business.

I did break the cycle to the best of my ability. I don't believe in hitting a child...they only remember the beating, not so much what they did wrong. There are other ways of discipline and so many forget you can't expect a child to be where you are....they are children and learning. They make mistakes and that is part of childhood. Everyone makes mistakes and the greatest gift you can give your child is love and forgiveness. I did the best I could as a parent and that is all anyone can ask of anyone.

Thanks for posting this. There are many forms of abuse that are not completely understood.

Very good article Renee!

I am a victim of this sort of treatment and I know first hand that you desperately WANT to avoid doing the same thing to your child, but sometimes you find yourself doing it and not even realizing it. You've been programmed by the same abuse that you're trying to avoid. It's a difficult thing to get past and improve upon. But I struggle with it everyday and do my best to think about what I say and do before saying or doing everything.

Thank you Renee! Very good article! Sometimes people don't realize the damage that they are doing to children! Verbal abuse is just as bad a physical abuse in my opinion!

thank you for sharing

It is sad to see parents that just don't get it. What you do to your child, even at a very young age WILL affect how they mature and what kind of adult they turn into.

Very good article. It is sad that it not really recognized as physical abuse is.

your a wonderful children's advocate !!!!

what a great article renee

one that MANY people need to read

I think we all can say at one time we might have been guilty of one of the things listed here.

Thankfully most of them I cannot admit to being guilty of... though it does give us all food for thought for our next conversation, doesn't it?

Once in awhile.

hasn't everyone?

Hello :o),

I just wanted to stop by since I am finally going through what is now listed as under 4,500 pieces of gather new mail that is sitting in my inbox on here.

With that mentioned I just came across either a mailing from you yourself, or someone else brought this piece to my attention. You or they felt that your creation should be shared with the gather community, which I am very glad that it was passed on to me to view. So I wanted to say Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to publish it here on gather for us to all view. :o)

As well before I leave you I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year... in 2009 :o)

Here's a 10 and a click towards your next cash-out.

this sooo true. i've been subjected to a lot of verbal abuse. It is horrible. we have to feel sorry for these people who shovel it out. they must have been through a lot of abuse aND they don't know any other way to communicate. It is pathetic.