The Quest for Understanding

I have had to try to make a specialist understand what he has not experienced or seen, and it is very hard to get people to understand an illness that most people don't know. Ironically, I have had more understanding over the years after I developed an allergy to chocolate, then I have to my current health condition. After being told, it can't be that bad, and you just aren't pushing yourself once too often, I have spent the last few months frustrated. When I "push" myself, I pass out, and I am exhausted and have no energy and have to sleep. Most days, just getting on the computer to write, and respond means I have to take a nap every day. Do I feel lazy? Yes, that is why all of those statements hurt so much. I am fighting feeling that I can no longer take care of my family, and even have no income until either Social Security decides I truly cannot work, or my retirement board decides the same thing, and either way, it has already been a year. I have been supported entirely by my children for 8 months now. I don't know about you, but I never imagined myself not even being able to work enough to earn a living at 41 years old. There are people who have found themselves in this position even younger, and yet people want to condemn many of them as lazy, or worthless, because of those who somehow manage to take advantage of a system that doesn't work right. I used to know a guy who bragged about flunking psychological exams to stay on disability. I know it is wrong, and I have been frustrated by that for years, especially watching people I know need the help fighting to get on the system. For most people, Disability, or SSI are just enough to get by in life, and not an easy living by a long shot. You can never live on your own very well, and if you are not married, that means you are in trouble. It is not a life most people prefer. I hope that somebody will read this, and think twice before condemning somebody just because they do not understand their illness or disability. The pain you cause with your words can cause more damage than all the rejection letters the government has to shell out.

Understand Being Me

It happened about a year ago,

well this part, for the very first time.

I mean, I had been dizzy before

and have even landed on my behind!

But this was so different, and scarier too,

as the weakness overcame me

and I fell to the concrete floor.

I could not move, touch, or see.

I heard panicked words all around

and a great deal of hurried activity,

but I could not utter a sound

or move my arm to even cover me!

It is a frightening feeling to have no control

and that is just what happened to me!

I could only lay on that floor

and worry, "Now what will this mean?"

No control meant no job, that much I knew.

It was followed by fighting the powers that be

to try to cut through all the red tape

to get somebody to understand and help me!

I am still here, feeling alone and afraid

with my family depending on me

and to all who say, "So she passed out?"

I dare you to try it a day and see.

Just to make breakfast for my family

of scrambled eggs and biscuits for three,

leaves me tired, dizzy, undone

and extremely weak in the knees.

The "specialist" asked "how often?" and, "to what degree?"

Well folks, I do not know about you

but it only took me one time on the floor

to know that it is something I do not like to do!

Does this make me a fake, or weak and insane?

I guess it just depends on your point of view

but I ask before you call me these things

for you to spend a week in my shoes!