When Nobody's Watching...a repost for flit's Tuesday Writing Essential

  This is reposted in response to flit's request to what we consider one of our best under-read pieces published in 2008 Mine follows. Warning: It's not for the faint of stomach!!

What Do You Do When Nobody's Watching?

I am becoming more and more appalled at what grown people will do in plain sight of all unfortunate onlookers. Sitting at a downtown intersection, sipping my freshly brewed mocha latte I had the misfortune of glancing into the oncoming vehicle. Situated opposite mine, it was waiting for the same light to turn. Its occupant, a forty-ish man with brown well-coiffed hair and a pair of chic shades was deeply involved in picking his nose. I did a double take. Not believing what I was actually seeing I continued to stare for what seemed like an eternity. How much could possibly be contained inside that nostril? He reamed and picked, utilizing a little wrist action, and when finally pulling the offending finger from his nose, popped it deliberately into...you guessed it...his mouth. I was thoroughly disgusted. Suppressing a wretch I rounded the corner, but continued to fight the image of this man throughout the day. I must have told everyone I saw, and they agreed with my sense of repulsion. This man not only committed an enormous social faux pas, he didn't even appear concerned that half of downtown could have watched him do it.

I'm told this is not as uncommon as I had believed. Fine tuning my observation skills I vowed to become a people watcher and tackled my new- found activity with gusto. In the car, at the mall, on city streets, and in the grocery store I watched and waited. The new super sleuth of the socially inadequate, I feigned interest in boxes of macaroni and packages of cold medicine. In reality I was keeping a sharp eye out for the more serious offenders.

My discoveries amazed me. The first day alone I chalked up a loud belcher, two butt pickers and a scratcher. By day two I decided all men must adjust themselves several times a day. I had the privilege of observing an elegant lady daintily blow her nose and deliberately set the offending tissue on the banana display in the produce section. I saw grape gropers, peanut pranksters, and even watched a man open a package of cookies, eat several, and walk away leaving the remainder on the shelf. This hobby of mine was becoming more interesting by the minute.

I discerned, sadly, that women were the more consistent perpetrators sans the adjusting, and that economic status meant nothing at all. Most offenders in fact were well dressed and appeared well-bred, prior to their faux pas. My all-time list topper made me go limp with revulsion. I still squirm when recalling the event. A dapper gentleman averaging fifty years old entered a store alone. Apparently well known in this community and obviously well liked, he chatted with several other customers as he made his way around the store. Suffering from a head cold the man discreetly used his hanky for wiping and blowing his nose. I was certain I'd struck out on this one. However, upon approaching the little set-up where customers are invited to enjoy a free cup of coffee and a donut hole, this astonishing man had the audacity to expectorate what sounded like a quart of phlegm, picked up a styro-foam cup from this table, spit the vile matter into the cup, and returned it to the table. Without so much as a sideways glance to see if he'd been caught, he then sauntered to the cash register, bought his newspaper and package of cheese, and went on his merry way. 

My mouth is still gaping open from that one.