Some thoughts on Suicide

It is hard to understand what goes through someone's mind when they decide to commit suicide. It is a tragedy for the person who tries to/succeeds in commiting suicide and their family who is left behind wondering why and what led up to this action.

Many believe it is just a bid for attention. Many get angry at the person. Many carry the pain of suicide the rest of their lives wondering what they could have done different.

Suicide is not a solution to their problems as many think. It is a permanent end. Rarely do you get a second chance. I tried numerous times in 1978 and accidently overdosed in 1979. I awoke in 1979 with a memory of talking with God and he said, "Heather if you ever let this happen again, I can't send you back. You have more to do in your life. Many people are counting on you." It was a wonderful feeling to be with God and although I know it is on his timetable, I can't wait to be in that wonderful place again.

I can't speak for those who died, but I can tell you, I wasn't thinking of who would find me and what a horrible thing to do to someone. I wasn't thinking of anyone else's pain, only my own.

I tried so hard to be a happy person. I always thought no matter what I went through in my life, I was better for it. I had gotten stronger and wiser and in life everything had a lesson. My Dad was very hard on me and had anger issues. He loved me and wanted me to be perfect but he went too far and crossed the line from punishment to abuse. Abuse is when you have to go to school with max factor's erase on your face. My mother had a mental illness and twice tried to kill me while she was having a psychotic episode. I loved them and took care of them when needed, but once I turned 18 I left home.
I had had enough.

I got married and before I turned 19 I became a mother. The marriage didn't work out because my husband was romancing the neighborhood, and I mean the whole neighborhood. I found out I was pregnant while separated and now had a son as well as a daughter, a few months after I turned 20.
I lived over 3 years with my ex inlaws giving them half my pay. I had custody of both children. After I moved out with the children, my ex flew to NJ and kidnapped them from me at an ice cream parlor.

I went so far down hill I signed myself into the hospital. I lost the loves of my life and made a big mistake in meeting my ex and his boyfriend. Who knew they would run out to a different car than one they came in?

I couldn't fix my parents, couldn't fix my ex, lost my children, lost my home, lost my job and lost all hope.
The answer I thought was suicide. One time I saved up 300 pills. It takes a lot to drink to get that many pills down. I wrote notes to my ex and my children and laid down to sleep. I fell asleep. Several hours later, I am told, I fell out of bed and told someone what I had done. They just happened to be walking by my room. I think angels pushed me out of bed. An ambulance was called and my stomach was pumped in the ER. The pills were still whole and it was thought that I had just done it. When I woke up three days later I did not realize the miracle God gave me. But this was about the 5th time I had tried to kill myself.  The sixth time, I wasn't trying to kill myself, but that was the last time and when God spoke to me.

What went through my mind? I thought I was a failure. I suffered for my mistakes as a child, but I did make mistakes. I wasn't enough for my ex, he too did not hold me in much esteem. My dear sweet children were kidnapped at age 3 and 4 from me and who knew what would happen. It would be an enormous task to ever get them back.

I wasn't trying to get back at anyone. I was frustrated. I was disappointed in me and my life. That perfection that my parents wanted was never going to happen and it almost killed me as I didn't feel worthy to continue. Basically, I had had enough.

Things were bad with my ex. My parents really couldn't help me, they were busy drinking their own disappointments away. I really felt I made a mess and had no one to go to... I didn't realize I could have gone to God. I could have asked for his help. But like the Bette Midler song, I thought he was watching from a distance. He isn't, he is close as he knows the count of the hair on our heads. I had lost all hope and this is why when I get the chance I tell others to always have hope. Without hope we have nothing.

I did not see that maybe I was not the failure. I did not see that my parents had problems and only they could deal with their drinking. I did not see that my ex was trying to please his parents and be who they wanted him to be. I did not see that his mother would have done anything to be my childrens mother including destroying me, which she nearly did.  All I could see was that things were not getting better, they were getting worse and at the young age of 23, I did not see my life improving at all. I saw a dead end, and I decided to make it a dead end. I had had enough.

I had a friend tell me that I had to be crazy to try to commit suicide back then. I wasn't crazy, I was depressed and hurt and saw no way out. I had to drink to off line the will to live to do it. I wasn't thinking about God or Jesus, or even where I was going. I wanted out of the existance that was torture. Depression is no picnic and a side effect is you get so desparate you want to die. In 2006 after I had my shoulder operation, I was taking pain killers and I had fallen in my kitchen and hurt my tailbone and my ribs. I wanted to die and I was thinking to myself, why? Why do you feel like this? I stopped the painkillers and sure enough that dark cloud of depression lifted.

Depression can have many causes. If we lose hope, we can't cope. Alcohol is a depressant and will also bring you down. You are sad or disappointed in life so you drink. The alcohol take the pain away for a few hours, but then you get depressed, the more you drink the further down the well you go.

They say depression is repressed angry, it may be, but I believe it is the number one cause of suicide.
Many people are untreated or diagnosed for medical problems. If you have sleep apnea and don't know it, even if you get sleep, you are tired and fatigued all day- how long do you think you can live through this without treatment without getting depressed?

Many people wind up with mental disordors but when they are checked medically, many times they are physically sick. Being physically sick brings depression on.

I have no answers, I can only speak of my experiences and my thoughts. I hope someone will read this and get the help they need for depression before they make a big mistake and end their life. I hope someone will understand the mindset their loved one was in if they commited suicide..and how the person was focused on getting out of pain. I hope everyone will encourage others not to give up or lose hope, tomorrow can change as this line, "This too shall pass." Life changes and we can't know at 23 what truly lies ahead. My life is not perfect, but I am so glad I am here. I am so glad I can help others. I am so blessed that God sent me back and my life got better. I will be married 28 years in June to my husband who dearly loves me and I love him. I have four children, 2 grandchildren and one on the way. I have a great circle of friends and I couldn't be more blessed. Most of all, I have great faith that sustains me and brings me through the valleys in life and I know when God decides, Jesus will come for me and say, "Well done, my faithful servant. Take my hand, we are going to now live in paradise"

I have find great joy in my life and great joy in helping others being an ambassador for Jesus
I will stay here as long as God wants me to because I have not had enough nor will I ever.

 

Jesus Has Me By The Hand

 

by Heather L. Campbell

 

September 24, 1999

 

 

It's amazing I have Jesus,

 

It's amazing I have his love,

 

It's amazing God sent Him,

 

Down here from up above.

 

What a friend I have in Jesus,

 

What a friend He is indeed,

 

For in my walk with Jesus,

 

He meets my every need.

 

I treasure each new day

 

I am here in this space,

 

I treasure all my life,

 

Serving Jesus in this place.

 

Although you see these words,

 

You may not understand...

 

But that's okay with me,

 

Jesus has me by my hand.

 

He reminds me everyday

 

Of the sunshine of His love,

 

When I walk outside and

 

Feel warmth from up above.

 

I'm certainly not a preacher,

 

I'm certainly not a man,

 

I may not look like much,

 

But Jesus has me by the hand.

 

I almost walked away from Him,

 

I was almost dead and gone,

 

Jesus never failed me,

 

I know I was the one.

 

He never gave up on me,

 

I never lost His love,

 

He was always by my side,

 

As gentle as a dove.

 

He watched me in my agony,

 

And he took away my tears,

 

He held me close in his arms,

 

Then took away my fears.

 

Words don't always express,

 

The love for Him I feel,

 

I'm a living witness that

 

Jesus's love is very real.