Chat transcript: Father & son authors David and Nic Sheff

Sounds like a very interesting chat.

It should be, Connie. This touches so many topics: families, drugs, writing, recovery, health...

They're live on the air now. You can listen online from the Midmorning page.

David -- Did the details in your son's book make you uncomfortable at all -- and if so, how did you work through that and maintain a close relationship?

Also did you two work on the writing process together or were these two separate projects?

Thanks for your question, Caryn, it is in queue for the live chat.

How timely. I read a review of these in my local paper on Sunday. I can't wait to read them both As the mother of a son who had drug issues in his teens and early twenties, I think I can relate.

My question:
Does the extended family and family friends still look at Nic with the same eyes as they did during the drug years?

Nic, when could you say that you no longer wanted to "kill yourself" by using drugs and alcohol?

Do you have to remind yourself of your commitment to live? If so, how often?

Nanci Olesen, host of "How's the Family?" http://minnesota.publicradio.org/radio/podcasts/hows_the_family/

Hi Donna, that is timing! Your question is in the chat
queue... since Nic and David can only join us for 30 minutes, I'm glad you got it in early.

We cross-posted Nanci, but your chat question is on deck as well!

Nic, can you talk to us about the recovery program you follow, and the role of religion or spirituality in your recovery............

Hi,
I work in the area of improvement of children's mental health resources. How can we do a better job treating and supporting adolescents with mental illness who often use?
Thanks
Kris

Caryn asked
David -- Did the details in your son's book make you uncomfortable at all -- and if so, how did you work through that and maintain a close relationship?

Also did you two work on the writing process together or were these two separate projects?


David replies: It is sort of the opposite I suppose of what you might think in facing the truth. Reading Nic's story and having conversations about it, I feel closer to Nick than ever. To me that is so much easier to pretend things didn't happen because it is painful but the truth is what was essential for me, and I think it was for Nic too.

Nic: They were completely separate. We did give our manuscripts to each other before publication to make sure there wasn't anything too painful. We wanted to protect everyone else as much as possible.

Donna asked:
Does the extended family and family friends still look at Nic with the same eyes as they did during the drug years?

David: that's a really good question. People want to know if you forgive and forget. You don't want to forget, but you forgive. That takes time and hard work. Everyone in our extended family is just so proud of Nic. They all feel so ... what's the word... they feel so terrible that he had to go through what he had to go through, but they're grateful he's where he is now.

Nic: I think... I mean it is a slow prcess sometimes. It takes different amounts of time for different people. Ultimately I feel like everyone in our extended family has been incredibly understanding.

Nanci asked:

Nic, when could you say that you no longer wanted to "kill yourself" by using drugs and alcohol?
Do you have to remind yourself of your commitment to live? If so, how often?

Nic: Um I think it was more of a gradual process than more than one day I just wanted to live. I don't have to remind myself that I want to live. Its more that I have to keep doing the things that are positive in my life to reinforce that what a beautiful life I have... all those things that make life worth living for me.

Gail asked:
Nic, can you talk to us about the recovery program you follow, and the role of religion or spirituality in your recovery............

Nic: (pauses) I'm not a religious person and I don't really understand spirituality so... (pauses) I've really come to a place where I have a lot of love in my life both for my friends and my girlfriend and my dog and my cats and my family. And I think its that love that I hold on to more than anything specifically religious or anything.

Kris asked:
I work in the area of improvement of children's mental health resources. How can we do a better job treating and supporting adolescents with mental illness who often use?

David: Boy. From my research I know that people who use drugs - I think 70-80 percent - we get co-occurring disorders. It is sometimes hard to know when one leaves off and the next begins because drugs take over. So I guess the best - I'm not a doctor, I'm a parent - from what I've learned the substance abuse has to be dealt with first before you can even diagnose other problems.

Nic: For me it is a combination of absticence, therapy and medication and being really open that has helped me the most. But I needed all those things.

David: The other thing I heard is that people have to hear the message repeateedly... especially the parents.

Nic: Young people talking to young people seems much more effective. It was for me anyway. (lightly) What do grownups know anyway?

Catherine of St. Paul Minn. sent a question: Could you talk about what made you use after a period of sobriety?

Nic: Oh yeah. Uhm... well...I mean superficially it was usually surrounded by relationships for me. But I've come to understand that I was still looking for outside things be it women or you know sex or exercise or anything really to make me feel better. To fix me. And as long as I was doing that, using was the next step really. So I had to really learn to sit with myself in the quiet moments. And learn to accept myself, as painful a process as it was.

Julie of Leech Lake, Minn. sent a question: How do the parents deal with the anger and guilt towards the addict?

David: First of all I would say to accept that those are normal reactions and we all feel them at some point. It helped me a lot to understand that Nic was suffering from a disease and it was the disease that was controlling him. Uhm... (pauses) I relied on friends, family, Al Anon, therapists and in the process got through a lot of those feelings

Nic: For me it was to allow myself to be angry and feel those feelings and not run away from those feelings. And you know feelings change eventually.

Nic and David, My story doesn't end so good. My 19 year old son died this past June of an accidental drug overdose. He was addicted to prescription drugs and had just started using cocaine before his death. I have tremendous guilt about his death. My husband and I talked to him numerous times about his drug problem, however we didn't know the depth of his addiction until after he died. He went through out-patient treatment a year and a half before he died (court ordered). After he turned 18 we felt incredibly helpless. After numerous blow ups and him leaving for weeks we thought we would just try to be there when he was ready. Now I think that was the wrong decision. I always wonder what else we could of done. It all happened so fast. I would love to hear your thoughts on the helplessness that parents feel, and also how much parents can actually do in this situation. I plan on reading both of your books, although it will be painful. Peace to both of you.

I pose a question: Would you recommend documenting (not necessarily publishing) the experience for other families facing the recovery process? Why or why not?

Nic: I would recommend expressing one's self through art or screaming or whatever it is that helps you make sense of the world. It helps you work out the fear and frustration and resentment and anger. Whether that's wriging drawing or playing music or whatever. That's one of the amazing things aobut art is its healing power.

David: I agree completely and would add that writing served different purposes at different stages Sometimes it was just and expurgation but sometimes it was making sense of the chaos, sorting it out in my head and deciding on what the next step should be.

Responding to Linda:

David: I'm so, so so sorry. I understand how you feel responsible, but you're not. A man just yesterday told me about his son who died. He said that he understands it in a way that helps him... he said when you have a disease like cancer, sometimes all the best efforts in the world still fail to save someone's life. And this disease is no different.

Nic: When I was using there was nothing that anyone could have done to make me stop. And it was no one's fault, not necessarily even mine. I was just completely out of control. Its just very confusing, frustrating, and devasting. And I'm so sorry as well.

Nic and David have to go - Thank you all for joining the chat.

I really wanted to attend this live chat. I think we all have been touched by addiction in one way or another. I am so sorry. I am going to leave a link to the transcript on the Today ON Gather Article for Friday.

Thank you, Connie.

I was perusing Gather's homepage today and noticed that this article is featured under 'Health' - great job!