Just Looking

In town there is a Parent's Center – it is very much like a play group in that it is a time and a space for parent's with young children to go and let their children play together while they stand around with coffee and chat.  The only difference is that it is in the basement of a church instead of cycling through peoples' homes and a small fee is involved.  I have been taking Audrey there since her nap schedule changed to accommodate the hours the Center was open, that was a little over a year ago.  It is nice to have "mommy friends" as most of my friends from before parenthood do not have children themselves yet and sometimes get sick of listening to how my life resolves around bedtime and wanting to start potty training.  I put "mommy friends" in quotations because there are actually a number of daddies who come around – some are full time dads and some are doing the scheduling thing where their wives/significant others work opposite schedules from them so that they do not have to pay for child care.

A couple of months ago a new daddy showed up with his one year old daughter, a very cute new daddy who had just moved here from NYC.  He and I share what I call a mutual appreciation of one another – he is married and I am in a committed relationship so there is no possibility of something happening.  A little light flirting is in my opinion harmless and in fact probably healthy.  It is helpful to be reminded that it is not just your partner that finds you attractive, it helps to remember that "he is lucky to have me."  Ed and I secure enough in both our relationship and ourselves to realize that a look or appreciation of another person does not lessen our love for one another, it just means that he and I are sexual beings and as such we may be sexually attracted to other people and enjoy looking at those people but that does not mean that we want to be with those people.  It is true that when I catch him looking at someone else or when he tells me which actress he has a crush on I get a stab of jealousy, but then I remind myself that if I didn't feel that way then I would have to reexamine my feelings for him.  In the end what matters is that he is here, he loves me and he shows me and tells me that he loves me – and I am here, I love him and show and tell him that I love him.  Our relationship is not perfect, we are still figuring out how we best fit together and what to let go and what to argue about, but we want to make it work and neither of us want to be with anyone else.

I'm still going to look though.