I pondered reincarnation the other day.
The reason was simple, I am the notorious procrastinator who neglected to empty the cat box on garbage day. Now both my wife and cat are making my life miserable and anyone familiar with either my wife or cat, will understand the sudden wistfulness for reincarnation.
Anyway, I got to thinking about all those New-Age Hollywood types. You know who I am talking about, the ones who claim to be reincarnated from Egyptian Pharaohs. Don't you wonder about the odds of something like that?
Personally, I have been reincarnated several million of times, but never as a Pharaoh. Most of my reincarnations were as bugs and none progressed beyond the lowly status of termite or dung-beetle.
Only about two hundred or so of my past lives have been human and every damned one prior to the age of painless dentistry. Not only that, but the vast majority were lives spent slogging through fetid rice-paddies with no better view of the world than the business end of a flatulent water buffalo.
Only a single life occurred in Egypt, and that was a short, brutish affair serving as a human hamster on an irrigation-wheel. Yet that life had its moment. Even though I never amounted to more than a scrawny little guy with bad knees and calloused feet from days of walking in place, I can gloat about one thing: - my celebrity encounter with a Pharaoh.
It was on a white hot midday on the left bank of the blue Nile. I was working out on the treadmill when a magnificent ivory barge, trimmed in gold and inlaid with onyx, floated serenely into view. On the bow stood a dark-haired, dark-eyed Pharaoh bearing a striking resemblance to a New-Age actor. As the boat drifted closer, we exchanged glances. I squinted enviously at his life of opulence and he cast his eyes longingly upon the simplicity of my station on the water wheel.
I know I shouldn't have, but being a friendly guy, I waved at him. I thought he waved back but he didn't. Instead the King made a gesture, the same beckoning motion that merchants in the market place use to invite a trade.
Why would royalty want to swap lives with me?
As the currents of the Nile swept the vessel northward, he grew more desperate, scrambling about the forecastle, weaving frantic figure-eights on the deck, begging to trade places. Then we lost sight of each other as an immense white awning in the middle of the royal yacht blocked our view.
Suddenly I understood.
In the cool shade under the awning, sat at least thirty of his wives - and they were pissed!!
I couldn't hear exactly what enraged them so, but I gathered it had something to do with procrastination, sand and sacred cats.
© Greg Schiller, 2008
Author: Greg Schiller
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Comments: 45
Visionaerie B, we had a self-cleaning cat box for a while, we thought it worked great, the cat thought otherwise.
Chari, forgiveness is not on their list, although they are amenable to bribes.
Chris, I thought you looked familiar - sorry dude.
Please, Please tell me that you change the litter box ATLEAST every other day not just trash day?
If it is just trash day then I can fully understand why you have been reincarnated as such lowly beings over and over....also the powers that be this last go around must of decided to give you a second chance....now I wonder what you will be reincarnated as after this go round?...a parasite, which lives in a felines body and ends up in the litter box??
( this was a joke by the way)
No wonder my cat despises me so.
Mother Toad, I know (sigh)
Tom, we are both in the same boat -- so to speak :)
There were so few Egyptian Pharaohs, and they were such a miserable lot that it is no wonder that so many Hollywood stars feel there were reincarnated from them, but probably really were from those cats.
Catbox revenge is a terrible thing to imagine!
Thanks Aaron, I REALLY love your work too.
Richard, maybe that explains the "cattyness" of Hollywood (groan at my own joke).
Randy, my cat probably will be reincarnated as a general in the war against string.
Penny, my wife is a manager --- which means I do everything but manage around the house.
DUDE! It's "you're".
Thanks Elaine.
Thanks C.A.
You are lucky in this life. You have been reincarnated for the purpose of cleaning kittie's little box! LOL. This was funny!
No stares for her, she yowls and stands by the entry to her covered catbox, reaches in and dumps a pawful of well-used Swheat on the floor (Swheat = gravel made from wheat. Love it, it smells better and doesn't involve strip mining for clay) and then gives me the evil eye.
Another delightfully clever piece. Thanks for posting to Writing Essentials: Humor Monday.
Here we are, contempating reincarnation, fame and the history of mankind, and it would seem most readers can't get beyond the disclipline of cleaning kitty litter.
I'm sure there's a moral in here somewhere. Probably buried under the cat poo.
For valentines day this year I bought a litter maid automatic cat box for my hubby.. He said it was the most useful gift anyone has ever given him.. hehehehe
He really does like it!!!