AUSTIN, Texas. With her back to the wall following Barack Obama's tenth consecutive primary victory, Hillary Rodham Clinton huddled with top advisors today to consider what she has always held in reserve as her "nuclear option", to be used only in a last-ditch effort to win the Democratic Party nomination--divorce from Bill Clinton, her husband of three decades, who some say is acting as a drag on her campaign.
"Ooo--I'm gonna miss you so much!"
"It's a tough decision but one I've encouraged her to make," the former president said as he looked through brochures for Mexican seaside resorts and a map of the continental United States showing locations of "Hooters" franchises, the "delightfully tacky yet unrefined" restaurant that caters to single males.
"Clinton, party of one!"
Exit polling in Wisconsin following yesterday's primaries there indicated that Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) widened his lead over Clinton in all categories except women over the age of fifty whose husbands have hit on employees, including babysitters. "It's turning into a rout," says Charles Cox, a political analyst who writes for MNSBC.com. "Obama scored big among left-handed Lithuanian landladies, cross-dressing Western Conference point guards and exiled African dictators with psoriasis."
Wax statue of Senator Clinton on display at Madame Tussaud's, London.
Clinton's last, best hope appears to be so-called "super-delegates", Democratic Party officials who are entitled to vote at the party's convention in Denver this summer because they possess X-ray vision or the ability to crush lumps of coal into diamonds. "Both are fairly cool powers," says Ray J. Hammond, a super-delegate from Springfield, Missouri. "You can see through a woman's dress, then if she's really bodacious you take some coal and make her a diamond ring."
"I can't believe she's wearing Spiderman underpants."
For his part, Senator Obama said he saw his opponent's ploy as a move of desperation, and didn't plan to respond in kind. "The Clintons marriage has always been about politics, not love," he said as he gazed adoringly into the eyes of his wife Michelle, who has publicly criticized her husband's habits such as snoring.
"I love you too, but I wish you wouldn't refer to me as 'Shrek'."
"If we ever get divorced it will be for the right reason, like some damn fool thing she says in front of twenty thousand people at a campaign rally."
Copyright 2008, Con Chapman
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Comments: 7
Clinton's so-called "firewall" states are coming up. She is currently leading by large margins of about two-to-one in Ohio, Texas and Pennsylvania. Were she to win big in those states she would then resume the lead in delegate count. She won New Mexico after nine days of counting, giving her a small boost in the media. If she does win big in those three major states she would be branded "the comeback kid" and she, not Obama, would have momentum as the primary season will have concluded. That, in turn, would affect the super delegates. They are elected officials who would be inclined toward Clinton and if they think she will be the nominee they won't hesitate to jump on her bandwagon.
Maybe not on your Internet.
(And, to think, I saw a similar article on their rival, www.fxonews.com.)