This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he
was so funny.....
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he
was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least
one who will cooperate)
one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.
Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of
stolen pens and post-it notes.
stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.
Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment .
suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?
would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy
blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy
blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock! ***
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Anna del C.
Author of "The Elf and the Princess"