Weeping Willows

  This is a very long poem that I've written into a poetic essay. Hope it encourages.

Weeping Willows

A Crippled Couple. Beautiful, hair, black - Irish creamy skin; eyes so blue - the hue of pain. She believed in love and, at first, him; So gentle, kind - a heart of gold. But he would not be her meaning- so she yelled too loud, too long to a man who became less than one.

She was angry at him and he ran; when he ran she yelled more. She cried too hard, like the weeping willows on Euclid Boulevard. Where once there was a man, now there was a shadow; a quiet, distant, angry shadow, one that found his manhood elsewhere.

The less-than-man found his strength from wine. She ran and together they were two not one.She looked for meaning, for a reason to crawl from bed each day. She found none. She tried to run from life but that failed also.

A Less-Than-Mom. So, the she turned to her children, saying, "I'll live for you." But the more she gave to them the more she took from them. She became less-than-mom. They were too small to be her meaning. The more less-than-mom clung to her children too young to be her meaning, too young to be her everything, the more she became their nothing. They were too young to under-stand. Less-than-mom yelled too loud, too long, to those too young to protect themselves. She didn't know when she yelled-too-everything. They ran not from here to there- but in their hearts, their minds, their souls. The further they ran the more the less-than-mom raged, hit, sneered.

A Crippled Child. The crippled-child had a constant companion. He was in and about her; she didn't know His name. He was shadows and darkness. He came often, especially when less-than-mom yelled, too loud, too long.The crippled-child fled as soon as you could. She was 21 and she finally knew his name: Fear.

But when she was young, the crippled-child tried to please the less-than-mom, but the face she wore, wore no approval- Only drawn looks of, "You're not enough, You're not the one I love, only the one I need". The crippled-child did not know she was crippled. Life had felt normal; she thought the rages were common, the hitting was deserved. Crazy is normal when it is all there is.

The less-than-man loved the crippled child and stood by her side when she won the games, scored the goals, played as hard as he had played. The child ran, not from here to there but ran to dreams, schemes and others who said they cared. They lied also.There was another 'friend' that lived with her that called her names, that said she was ungrateful, that she was hateful, that fed her doubts; his name was Guilt. The crippled-child was too little to know the meaning of a life that was not her own. The taker, did not give; Less-than-mom called the crippled-child graceless, named her Ugly.

A Crippled-Child Finding Hope. In her running, she ran to a good place. It was not her running but Him pulling. To a Home where a Father called Abba loved her dearly. He said, "I'll take you Home to safety, to Hope. Yahweh saved what needed saying And shame was washed away. The crippled-child thought she was healing, thought she was close to whole. A castle in the clouds, at the campus became her Home (the word she hated, for it never meant love). She was safe. For the first time, she believed she was free. And for the first time, there was no fear. There came a day when fletchings were meant to fly- They called it graduation She called it Grief.

The Crippled-Child became a Mother. She became a mother - she feared she'd yell too loud, too long, at those too little; too young to protect themselves. She said to her loving husband, "It is too much, this is too hard" (a handful of children, their home was their school). Her husband loved her, her Abba loved her. She came to believe that Everything would be different; that she would not hit, rage, sneer and hurt. At first it was alright and love was wonderful and marriage was what she loved- for her loving-husband Loved her.

Crippled-Child became A Crippled-Mother. But still, she feared she'd break; or break them; and she did. The crippled-child-mom was so sad that she yelled too loud to those too young to protect themselves. She broke in small ways: shattering confidences, joy shifting to sadness, loneliness, rock hard in her gut, blank inability . Weeping willows, weeping, weeping, weeping.

And though loving-husaband promised they we re resilient- He lied. But he didn't really lie, he did believe they were resilient. Loving-husband said, ''You are so good, so strong; I know you can do it-I believe in you, But her Loving-husband went to church meetings went to work, and was gone most of the time, when the stress was too much and the screams were too loud. The children broke in different ways, at different times. The crippled-child-mom would weep like the weeping willows on Euclid Boulevard. Weeping, weeping, weeping.

Behind every moment ignored, Behind every stress or argument, she always felt like weeping. She ran from all the pain. She didn't do the sneers and did not leave her children with her old friends, Guilt and Fear. She believed in her little ones giving them Hope each day. But the rages came and her sorrow overwhelmed the ones too little, too young. And when they broke, she broke.

Crippled-Child-Mom's Child. Life had been good; life had been hard; confusion crept in, children everywhere - Her Mom losing her patience. The child tried to be good, tried to stop the rages. The more she tried, the more she cried. The little girl saw the crippled-child-mom was alone and lonely. Weeping, weeping, weeping.

The little one fought to be help crippled-child-mom; to take away the mother's pain to give her rest. Her mother invited the world over to give them Home to give them love, to take their love. But the depression pulled from others and made them run. The child loved the mom - bore her loneliness. Too big a task for one too little. The little one could not be the caretaker of the caretaker. So, she did her best, played much less and tuned her heart to heal the heart that wept.

A Breaking- Child. Then began the biggest break of all. One wonderful summer the terrible happened. The breaking-child Broke. She floated to a different world where she was strong and the world was rich and alive. It was a warm Carolina night, Running, scared; she was full of strength, full of life. She broke in a garden of green hills and lovely lawns. Breaking-child ran from those who loved her, from her parents, siblings, and friends - and ran to strangers, thinking they were safe.

No doctors would come - hurricanes felled the trees that felled the lines that failed her. She ran to take her life. She failed. They found the breaking-child and took her to safety: Police cars, padded rooms, hospital - "It's called a straight jacket." The horror the cripple-child-mom knew was almost too much. The breaking-child swore and hit - "I hate you. You caused this - I was never safe". The child that was once whole, now was not.

Cripples We Walk. The crippled-child-mom cried and and felt the sorrow that never had been so strong - sadness of the weeping willows. "Why, oh God? Why her? Why not me?" the crippled-child-mom cried. "Take me as the sacrificial lamb - take me to her pain and let this pass from her."

The mother knew she'd caused the break- she knew it was all her fault. Her heart told her it was true guilt and shame returned). But the doctors, nursing, counselors, friends pleaded, "This is not your fault!" Crippled-child-mom wanted to tell them all the times she'd yelled too loud, too long, to the ones too young to protect themselves. She wanted to tell them all the sorrow she felt, she wanted to tell them, "I knew they'd break - I knew I couldn't do it - Loving-husband said they were resilient."But the dear daughter was not; and she broke.

Cripples We Heal . The counselor came along side the crippled-mom and walked through the memories- Walked into the shadows with her. And the doctor told her about genetics; she came to understand the source of her rages, the pain and weeping of her heart. It was not an excuse for the screams too loud but it helped explain and this brought her peace. She walked back to her loving-husband he walked back to her. Their oneness gave them the strength to face the sorrows.

Their Abba came along side, prayers became a source of comfort, of healing. They prepared for days to come For the Breaking-Child to walk away again. And she did . Trusting strangers running from ones that loved her. Healing began for the breaking-child also. She trusted the doctor Who talked about the genetics which helped her understand. She trusted her parents. This helped her ease the pain.

And the Father of Fathers drew her near, promising her anew "I'll never leave you nor forsake you." She began to feel safe. The house became a Home again, Where the Father of Fatherhood wrapped Himself around them, Like a warm comfy couch at Starbucks - and Christmas came again and Winter gave way to Spring. The crippled-child-mom knew it was wrong to yell too loud, to those too young, Learned to calm herself and found peace where there had been pain.

She cried when life was very hard but weeping and willow trees, were no longer her companions.

Walking in Hope. Cripples together we walk, Cripples together we heal. On a hill, far away, on a cross so strong That tears could not break nor fear overcome, One came to the broken family- To the less-than-mom that was crippled to the crippled-child-mom ;

to the breaking-child, who is now a child-becoming-a-woman; To the crippled loving-husband, who again walks by grace- All being cradled by the one called Love.

Because the breaking-child broke, the crippled-child-mom came to truths that set her free. Hope was a part of Home and Truth lived easily with Grace. But this is another story that is being written- to tell another day.