Nursing School Chronicles ~ lonely is the student nurse

I have something wonderful to report.  I am back at school and god willing.....slightly over 60 days left.

I should be estatic.....and yet....I am not.

I am close....ever so close to the end......

God I hope this doesn't turn into a whine post.....but I am seriously depressed.  So much so that I am considering going to talk to someone.....but guess what.  There isn't any time.

There are days that I ask myself.....was all the suffering worth it.  Inside I know that answer is yes.  But I have to tell you honestly.....if I had a clue of how exacting nursing school would be.....I might have said hell no.  I will gain so much.  But I have lost a lot too.

List of things lost......

some so called friends (no biggie)

a relationship (again no biggie)

I had to send my son to Colorado for a few weeks and I miss him bad....so much that i cannot type more about it or i will weep.  but i am glad he is there with people to pay attention where i cannot

my sister thinks I am a user (for babysitting and such)  what makes it worse is that we didn't talk for many years.....we were making a comeback and now....she thinks i am a big user.....and what if i was.  it was surely not my intention.  (sorry guys....i am so depressed i don't even feel like capitalizing letters)

i struggle to pay my bills

i worry......a lot

i am in parent and child nursing where i get to learn all about how to help parents maintain a healthy relationship with their kids.....while mine wait at home for me.....endlessly....as i work my @$$ off to get this degree, go to work, and pay bills.  it really sucks.  it feels very incongrous and quite unfair.  I find myself typing up study guides that emphasize support, support, support, praise, cuddle, support.  but my arms are empty of my kids and full of books.

i am not eating right.  anyone could tell you i was the granola queen breastfeeding mama coming in.  but i had to give up breastfeeding and milk donations last april because my health got incredibly bad from my diet and sleeplessness

i am bone tired.  i am so tired of saying i am tired.

i feel like i am running that marathon.  have you ever run a marathon or 5k or anything? The very last part....you see that finish line.....but you are unsure that you can make it.  but you can see it. your body burns.  you are tired.  it is too frightening to give up now.  but the possibility of your body failing you is there.  it is frightening. all over.

i am so lonely.  i decided to date a little on my break.  only to realize what horrible dating material i am.   i have no time.   i talk this weird gross language that no one can understand.  i see things that would make people really suffer.  and i cannot talk about it.  i work in the icu part time also and 2 of my patients i had cared for had died sometime this week and i wasn't there.  people die.  it is reality.  and i feel weird.  i need to write more to get it all out.  i don't have time.  i am fine.  i am ok.  but i am thinking there will never be someone out there who would understand that i have to cry sometimes.  callousness makes me cry inside sometimes.  who is going to want the part time emotionally charged empath that is me.  i feel kind of stained.  i feel kind of broken.  but the funny thing is....i think i can be repaired quite simply.  i can be recharged.  i just need to be hugged.  i just need to be understood without having to explain all the heaviness.  i need someone to stroke my hair and tell me that although i am different, i am good.  i wish i could just lay in some strong arms...i don't mean muscular.....just....i think capable is a better word.  i wish i could lie somewhere in some capable arms and feel safe to be who i am.  now.....it should be said i can do this myself and i am fine with that.  i know i am a mess that no one wants to clean up.....to paraphrase Fiona Apple.  I swear 'Paper Bag' is my theme song.  lonely i am

i miss everyone.  when you are gone to long.....people come, people go, you miss commenting, you cannot read as much.  i know this doesn't seem a big deal.  and i suppose it really isn't but y'all keep me from being isolatedly lonely.  so when i miss y'all.....it is pretty profound

well.....this was a depressing post.....and i am sorry.  thank you for letting me get it all out.  i feel like such a whiner. and i don't mean to be.