The In- and Out-Laws (35 Archbold Road -- Part 2)

This is the second of a 3-part series about my life at  35 Archbold Road. This part, although chronologically all over the place, provides background that I thought was needed before Part 3

Part 3 -- Renovation/Dissolution

During all my time with Tim, there were many strains on our relationship. In the early days, he was consumed with jealousy -- so much so that we split up over it. As a condition of resuming the relationship, I presented an ultimatum: any sign of jealousy, even a single word of mistrust and I would be gone. I'm sure he struggled with that over the years, but he managed to keep it to himself.

Next, there was family. I am about as close to my family as a person can get. I consider it a gift. We are not only close to each other, but we are willing to accept outsiders into our family circle. Like Carol. I met Carol in college, but she fit into the family so seamlessly that no formal adoption was necessary. She is our sister. She is one of us. And so is Dave -- Holly's husband. It just happens.

So, when I brought Tim home with me from Europe, I expected him to become one of us too. But it didn't happen. I was naive. I hadn't met Tim's family and I didn't know him well enough to analyze the reasons. I figured all that was needed was time. I couldn't have been more mistaken.

If my family posed a problem, it was nothing compared to Tim's family.

I met Tim's brother Bill and his girlfriend Margaret while we were in Europe. They came over and travelled with us for a few months. I liked them and they liked me, so I was totally unprepared to meet his mother, Sheila. Tim paid for her to come to the States for a visit while we were living in Las Vegas with my family. I bent over backwards to show her a good time. We showed her around Las Vegas. We took her to Hoover Dam. Then we took her on a road trip down the California coast - from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Holly came along. We didn't stay in fancy hotels. We couldn't afford it. When we got to L.A., we stayed with a friend of mine - all camped out on couches and bunk beds. Later, when I knew Sheila better, I realized how horrified she must have been. She thought she was born to better things.

Tim's family had lived on a sheep ranch when he was a boy -- until his father ran off with the wife of the rancher on an adjacent property. They went to Europe for a prolonged holiday and Tim's father squandered the family fortune -- a sin for which no one in the family had forgiven him still when I met Tim. Tim's father (Joe) lived in Surfer's Paradise (yes, that's actually the name of a town) in Queensland, still married to the woman he had run away with. No one in the family had any contact with him. Not one of them had forgiven him.

I was astounded. After all, people fall in and out of love all the time. It obviously wasn't just a fling. They were still together. I couldn't believe the whole family was still so bitter. I told Tim, "Get over it! He’s your father! Isn’t it time you forgave him?” And, to my astonishment, he listened. He actually contacted his father. I know it meant the world to Joe. I think it was pretty important to Tim, too.

When my mother and Carol visited us and we drove up to the Barrier Reef, we stopped at Joe and Betty's on the way. They were so very welcoming to me and my family. It was early December when we took that trip (summer in Oz). But knowing that Thanksgiving had just passed in the States, they made a full turkey dinner for us. I was really touched. It is a shame they didn't live in Sydney. I could have used some friendly family around me. Joe visited Sydney occasionally and he always stopped by. I don't have a bad thing to say about him. He was always friendly and affectionate towards me. And I am glad that he and Tim reconciled after all of those estranged years. When he died, I am sure that Tim was glad too.

Now Sheila was another story. She didn't like me from the start. I can only guess why, since she would never have admitted it in a thousand years. I think initially it was because I was an American. She was afraid I would steal her son away to the United States and she wouldn't see him anymore. But it was also because she considered me lower class. I don't think she was favorably impressed when she learned that my father gambled for a living, either.

I must admit, I don't understand this class thing very well. The things that I considered valuable meant nothing to her. I had a university degree, which impressed her not in the least. Not a single member of Tim's family (himself included) finished or even attended college. I was well read, kept abreast of current affairs around the world, had some artistic talent, and held down responsible jobs. None of it meant anything to her. I didn't measure up because I didn't have the proper family credentials. And she made her feelings obvious to me in so many subtle ways. Never would she overtly criticize me, at least not to my face. No, she was too well bred for that. And although I didn't consider her a very bright woman, she was a master of the nuanced insult. She also feigned affection. She would reach out and lightly hold my shoulders, bring her face next to mine, and kiss the air beside my cheek, being careful to never actually touch it.

When I got pregnant the first time, Sheila assumed Tim and I would marry. When Tim told her we did not plan to do so, she was horrified - to the point of shunning us. I'm sure she was relieved when I miscarried. However (after two more miscarriages) I eventually became pregnant with Nathan. We were shunned again. I rather enjoyed being shunned, although I was astonished that Tim was so cavalier about it.

You might notice that I spent a lot of time being astonished when dealing with this family. Family was so important to me that I had a hard time understanding a family who could sever ties so easily. I tried so hard to be the good daughter-in-law and the good sister-in-law -- all to no avail. Sheila was impervious to my best efforts. But eventually Tim pointed out to her that she was going to have a grandson, whether we were married or not, and if she wanted to be a part of his life, she had better change her tune.

Unfortunately, she did want to be a part of his life -- but only in the most peripheral of ways. Her other grandchildren were approaching teenage and she really wanted no part of caring for an infant. And as he grew older, she wanted no part of caring for a toddler or a young child either. She never baby-sat with Nathan once in the 7 1/2 years he lived in Sydney. In fact, not a single member of Tim's family ever took Nathan by himself for any reason.

Sheila would invite us for dinner. She always set the table like she was expecting royalty. It was never casual, so we always had to dress up just for family dinners. She never made any concession to Nathan's age in her house. She left all of her expensive knick-knacks within his reach and expected me to see to it that my little bull-in-a-china-shop did no damage. At the table, no one spoke to Nathan except me. The rest of the family would converse with each other and Nathan and I would talk together. Even his father rarely spoke to him on those occasions. It was excruciating for me. I hated going over there and I was angry at the way Nathan was ignored. But I didn't say a thing. Sometimes, looking back, I wish I had given them a very articulate and rude tongue lashing, but it wouldn't have accomplished anything. They would have just seen it as another example of my poor breeding.

Tim had two brothers and one sister. His sister, Maureen, was a carbon-copy of his mother, only she was a little more explicitly rude to me. Maureen had been abused by her husband and Tim and one of his brothers had rescued her from a beating and taken her away, never to return to him. She had two children. When I met her, she was in a long-term relationship with a man who would not marry her. They did not live together, but attended all family functions together. Ray was a very stiff and formal sort of man, but he was always nice to me, never treated me like I was inferior. In fact, he seemed to enjoy talking to me. He was a pilot for Qantas and travelled often to the United States. He had a fondness for New York-style cheesecake and American mayonnaise (which he said was superior to the Australian sort).

Tim and his older brother Mike were estranged when I came to Australia. They hadn't spoken in years. Tim claimed he couldn't even remember what they had fought about. Again, I told him to get over it - and again he took my advice. Mike was so different from Sheila and Maureen that it was hard to believe they came from the same family. He was not snobbish. In fact, he was downright earthy, even crude at times. And he loved his grog. He (and many other Australians I met) seemed to think the only reason to have a party was to get so drunk you didn't remember it the next day. Mike could be good company when he was sober, but I hated being around him when he was drunk. When they lowered the legal drinking limit and put police with Breathalyzers all over the main thoroughfares of Sydney, Mike started drinking less at parties. In fact so did everyone else, and they became more tolerable to me.

Mike and his wife (Leita) felt like they were the least favored of Sheila's children -- and it was probably true. I know that Leita was the butt of many jokes when she wasn't around (it made me wonder what was said about me when I was absent). She was well aware of her status and resented it deeply. Who could blame her in this shark-infested family.

Bill was the baby of the family. He was the golden child who could do no wrong. Even though he and Margaret were living together "out of wedlock," he was still the most loved. Tim was closer to Bill than to any of the rest of his family. And so was I. Bill and Margaret were more like the people I associated with at home than any of them. I could relax and be myself with them. We smoked weed together and laughed and talked like I did with my own family. Unfortunately, Bill and Margaret moved to northern New South Wales before Nathan was born and we seldom saw them after that.

Despite all of the problems posed by Tim's family, I was determined to make a good life for us in Sydney. I made friends that have lasted to the present day. Tim and I spent a lot of time with our own friends and I was relatively happy. I missed my family very much and did not get to visit very often. But I was completely committed to my relationship with Tim.

When I was pregnant with Nathan, we decided to take him home to meet my family. He was due in October. We planned to go for Christmas when he was two months old. It was so good to be home. So good to be the center of attention and love. Everyone was smitten with Nathan -- especially my Dad. His first grandson! He was over the moon. There was none of that "been there, done that" attitude with which he had been greeted by Tim's family.

However, there were shadows on the trip. Holly and Dave were on the verge of separation. Bobby was even less friendly than usual. There was a tenseness in the air that was exacerbated by Tim's behavior. Although my family tried to welcome him into the fold, he resisted. He seemed to resent my family in some way - especially my sister Holly, who was prepared to love him like a brother. Although I was confused by it at the time, I now think it was jealousy. He resented the time I spent with them. He wanted me all to himself. And he especially resented Holly because we had the strongest bond. We were soulmates. From my most distant memories, Holly and I were inseparable. We did everything together. And we understood each other at a visceral level. Much was left unspoken. Words were not necessary. He did not want us to spend a moment together without him.

On the night before our departure, Tim started an argument with Holly in front of the whole family in which he criticized her viciously. Everyone was stunned. I knew he didn't like her, but I never expected such venom from him. If it had happened earlier in our trip, I might have been able to repair the damage, but we left the next day while the family was still speechless. This single incident did more harm to our relationship than his entire family was capable of doing. He alienated my whole family. I don't think he ever understood what he did. He felt that he should be more important to me than the family I held so dear. I saw no reason that I should have to choose between him and them. I had done everything in my power to stay on good terms with his family and in one cruel moment he had driven a wedge between me and mine.

I was still determined to make our relationship work. We might not have had the legal piece of paper, but I considered myself married and that was a commitment I had made for life. We ended up seeing a marriage counselor. Tim challenged me when I said that my family was prepared to accept him as one of their own. If that were true, he should have been allowed to criticize one of us as we were allowed to criticize each other. The counselor agreed. It wasn't until long afterward that I was able to articulate the condition that allowed someone to be one of us -- you had to love us like we loved each other. That came naturally to Carol and Dave. It never happened with Tim.

The distance between me and my family made it possible for Tim and I to patch thing up to a degree. I don't think either of us loved the other as much as we had previously. But we had a son to raise. We had to move on.

In 1989, we got married. It was Tim's idea. I thought it was his way of showing me that he was as committed to me as I was to him. Maybe he thought it would make things better between us. But in truth, there were other factors in play, other wedges pushing us further and further apart. The end was inevitable. It was only a matter of time.