At 5:30 a.m., this cold and freezing morning, my man and I were having another argument. It was over small stuff as usual, but as always, we had been having more bad times than any of the good. Two days ago, I put the binky in Gracee's mouth gently and told her to 'stop screaming.' He got upset and slapped me across thr face and said, "don't you do that to MY daughter ever again!!" He then went and ruined my reputation and told his co-workers that I was 'abusing her,' so to say and choking her with the binky. I'm surprised a CPS worker has never showed up at my house yet. (In all of this, I had 3-4 days of no sleep and just arguments with him). Technically, I have been doing things since day one.
All I wanted was for him to wake up. Wake up as a father. To help me with changing diapers; to feed her, to play with her, or whatnot. I understand that father's tend to get tired often like mothers, but as my friends have always told me, a good father won't do that to you and will stand by your side and when you're drained, will wake up and offer assistance.
I would always have to ask him numerous times, "Can you please help me?," looking teary eyed in his eyes. He would make excuses, get upset, from lack of sleep, and tell me that I "don't want his help" or when he does something "that I'm always putting him down." It would spiral from there and he would say, "Well, I'm going to sleep."
Let me explain a little, so everyone will understand the situation a little better. I never intentionally tried to put him down when it came to doing things: changing diapers, feedings, etc. I knew he wasn't as well trained as myself when it came to children, and I knew he previously had asked me for advice, so I more then willingly tried offering it when I saw it was needed. Ever since the advice thing - he would always take it as an insult.
Yesterday evening, I asked how his day was at work and he said, "ok" with an attitude. I knew something was wrong, so I kept insisting for him to tell me. I was worried about him. So, I asked him if it had anything to do with me and he still wouldn't talk about it. I dropped it for awhile and went back to the subject later when he was changing her diaper (after I asked him to) and I had to watch him, just to make sure he was doing things right. He got mad and started screaming at me and said, "You just want to start an argument, don't you?"
Now, he considers "asking questions" starting an argument. I never planned to start an argument, but things would always spiral and he would get mad. He never did this in the beginning of the relationship and would always know it was a cocern and action out of love. For ex. : How was your day at work? type of thing. I was never trying to be nosey or pry into his business: I simply cared, that's all.
Eventually from there it began mid morning and he and I were arguing and I was trying to make my point come across to him about how I felt, but he would always get mad, start screaming, changing the subject and trying to play the blame game "so I call it." Then eventually, he got into a rage fit and threw the piggy bank for Gracee (Winnie the Pooh). It broke and shattered against a chair and the change scattered everywhere.
I began to think about what my Grandpa always told me: "If a man hits you once, it will always get worse." I kept having this race through my head endlessly. I couldn't stop crying after remembering what Grandpa told me when I was 15 years old and being assaulted physically by another man. Except for this man, he only tried two physical incidents within a year period : choking me while I was pregnant and hitting me recently. It never left bruising : maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones. I figured since it didn't leave bruising that cops would just drop the case if reported and not do anything about the matter. So I just took it as a "no worry" hit or whatnot.
A lot of things began racing through my head and I kept thinking about him hitting me and say "don't you do that to MY daughter!!," after awhile, I thought about Gracee becoming a toddler and him hitting me (the scenario just going through my head) and her asking, "Mommy, why did daddy do that?" I don't want Gracee to become a female image of a man beater. I never believed in physical abuse, as my father always taught me it was wrong, but I wanted love so bad, I was so desperate in the process, but when it came down to my daughter: Was it either Gracee or myself : wanting love?
I know that I made the right choice, that I love Gracee more than anything in the world : I want what's best for her. So, at around 5:30 a.m. this morning, I told him, "You have till Friday to leave. Your paycheck may help some. Don't worry about buying anything for her!" He got upset and started screaming at me in the room (my dad could hear it going on). He began gathering his things and would moan in the process of gathering them.
Finally when he was about to go, he told me: "Call the police (so I will have a place to sleep) or I will make you call the police." I held Gracee near me and said, "Get out!," yelling while scared and hurt by his previous actions and words.
He said, "Fine, I'll take something to make you mad, so you will call the cops." After I told him initially not to take the guitar I bought him for his birthday; he takes it anyway. I didn't say anything, since it was a gift. He noticed, no expression on my face changing and he gets upset once again, noticing I'm not mad. "Fine, I'll take something else." My mind begins racing : thinking about the baby, all I did was think about her and her only. "Fine, you can take anything in this room but her! You aren't getting her!" He responds, "Fine, I don't want her. In your eyes, I'm not a good father anyway." My response, "I never said that. I said you need improvement." He responds, "Same thing." I drop it at that, trying to not have anymore conflict, as Gracee is laying in her car seat, seeing everything happening with teary eyes.
As he is about to walk out the door, he complains how he cannot take his "dvd collection." Wouldn't you think a father would be complaining about not getting his daughter?
I get upset and speak up and say, "You can have them all. I don't want them from you. You bought all of them. They're yours. I will be bringing them to court, when I file for full custody." He responds, "Don't worry. I will be there, but I will say one thing only." Silent fills the room. "What's that?," I respond. He responds, "I will tell them to give me a cot to sleep on and I'm not bleeding out my check for child support, since I'm already at poverty level income."
Finally he left. After 2 1/2 hours, I began to worry. I went outside to find his duffle bag underneath a vehicle on our property and the guitar up against a tree. He left everything behind, but himself. I tried following his foot prints (tracking my shoes and his, sorta like detective work) and figured out that he had walked toward the abandoned house next door, then he hesitated and walked up the road according to foot tracks. Since the foot tracks went toward the neighbor's house, I kept calling the neighbor once I got home, to ask her if he had come to her house to make any calls or if she had saw him. I was in fear: worrying about him freezing to death and me being held responsible.
When I got back down the road to my house, I called the police station to see if he was booked in jail (to committing a crime on purpose, just to get a bed) and they told me he wasn't in there. I called the hospital next and in doing so, I knew I had to lie just to find out if he was there, so I told him I was his life, technically we aren't married yet, but had planned to getting married. The hospital lady at the desk told me there was no last name of that showing in the ER room. The only next option I could think of, since it was now almost time for him to be at work was his work.
I placed a phone call to his work and a lady answered the phone. Initially, I thought it was his boss and said, "Hi, is this so and so?" She told me no it wasn't and that she had been hurt previously by breaking her tailbone on slippy floor." I felt dumbfounded by not remembering that his boss was hurt, so I said, "Is he there?," asking if he was at work. The lady paused and said, "Yes, the time is right," and told me he wasn't there at work." Once I finally said, "Well, I'll just have the police look for him then," that's when she finally said, "Oh, I think I see him" and hands him the phone.
He picks up the phone, barely able to breath and says angry, "What do you want?" I pause for a moment. "Well, are you okay?" He responds, "yeah, I'll be okay," he says angry. He makes me immediately feel bad and once again, I feel sorry for him and say, "Well, do you want to come back?" and right after I say that, I feel very stupid for saying it, but as a good hearted person, I've always tried to treat others the way I've wanted to be treated. He responds, "No, I won't be coming back. You mise well call the cops if you don't want me to freeze to death." My response, "That's not my responsibility." There is dead silence and then, we both hang up ....
That was the last of conversation I had with him around early morning before afternoon hit. I'm not sure if he will try coming back here or what the case may be or if he will walk in the cold again. It makes me feel bad, but I know for my daughter Gracee and our safety, I have no choice to be back with him. I'm not sure if I should call the cops if he comes back or what I should do. I know if he disturbs or causes problems (if he does come back), I would most likely call the cops, but then again, I don't want to be a burden on the cops because I've had them out in my past when I was a minor due to suicide attempts (and it probably makes them upset at me) and they probably get mad when I do call for help.
But anyway...coming down to what all I've said, I have a few questions:
I've already initially tried breaking up with him.. If he comes back. What is the best thing to do in this situation?
As a single mom, will I ever be able to love another man? Trust another man? And if so, how do I know his personality won't change over time like his did?
Is there support for single moms financially, when father's don't want to pay child support? If so, where do I go to apply? And will I be looked down upon as a "young" single mom?
If not married - am I granted full custody automatically, if not, how do I get it? Do I have to prove it before a judge or is it easy in such a case I'm describing if he doesn't fight it like he says he won't? How do I prove to the judge that I do not trust Gracee in his care.
How do I know that his co-workers will not lie against me in court?
And last.... Are all men like this? I hear they aren't. But if they aren't like this, then how does relationships work without atleast some arguments?
Where are the type of men to : listen when you need them (not get mad or scream), not be physically violent, emotionally or mentally, give hugs, cuddle with you, accept you for you, appreciate what you do, tell you they love you (and don't see it pointless to say it OVER and OVER and OVER), ask how your day was, and what not? Where are those type of men? Do they exist? If so, why haven't I ever run across one of those "good type of men" that lots of women describe? ::Sighs::
Thanks for listening to me vent. hopefully someone can offer advice that has been through domestic abuse. I hope no one finds me at fault of any of this because I know I do not deserve it. Gracee has never been harmed (don't worry, I held her close, when I felt like something might happen), but then agian, I shouldn't have to feel that uptight about things when in a relationship. I simply just : don't deserve it! I never did, but I always wondered how she could live without a father and not be troubled in her teen years? It worries me. Its a mystery how single moms do it. And I'm not sure if I'll ever find love or trust again, but then again, I'm so desperate, I just hope I'll never have to face this ever again.
Hugs to everyone else that has been through similar stuff.
Thanks again for all support.