Not sure how to feel about this..........

My mother and father were never married. They apparently weren't together very long before my mom got pregnant with me and split up 6 months before i was born.

I had a wonderful wonderful stepdad who raised me from the time that i was 1 1/2 old.  He passed away from "complications due to cirrhosis of the liver" in August of 06. 

I never knew my biological father growing up.  I actually didn't even meet him until I was a little over 18.  It wasn't even by choice or trying.  The court system tracked him down for 18 years worth of unpaid child support.  My mom kept me up to date about what was going on and when he had to appear for a court date, I went.  I figured after 18 years of not knowing, I had to meet him.  If for nothing else, just to see if I resembled him.

Turns out, I'm my father's spittin' image.  We clicked immediately and were inseperable for two years.  He lives in the Detroit area, only a half hour away from my sister in law, so we spent time together often. 

He was the cool "dad" that I wished had been there growing up.  We were buddies.  We'd go to the bar together and I'd get served.  (that's pretty cool at the age of 19).  I partied pretty hard with him.

About a year ago I realized that he had a serious drinking problem.  Going to the bar wasn't fun anymore, because that's all we ever did together. He has no driver's license (due to alcohol related offenses), he still lives with his mom, and even though he worked 40 hour weeks, he could never pony up gas money to help me come see him or to figure out a way to come see me.  (there's about 150 miles between us).

I just quit talking to him for about 6 months becasue I got so mad about it.  I know I should have talked to him about it immediately, but I fiugred whatever, you know?  Why should I respect him when he couldn't respect me for the last 18 years????

I excluded him from my wedding, he knew it was being planned.  But I lied to him and told him it was being postponed.  I didn't even tell him when I got pregnant.  I was 5 months along befroe I finally did tell him.

We talked on X-mas.  That was the first time since summer that we spoke.  I finally came clean and told him that I hated his lifestyle and wanted him to change or he was never going to see his granddaughter.  He basically poo=pooed me on the whole thing, like "Where do you get off talking to me like that?"

His birthday was 2 weeks ago, I sent him a present and called, but surprise, he was gone (at the bar).  Haven't heard from him since.

Sunday I get a call from Maccomb Hospital, telling me that he's hospitalized for (you guessed it)  complications due to cirrhosis of the liver.  He has fluid built up in his lungs, possible other problems too.  Dr's are giving him a 50-50 shot at making it.

I don't know what to think or how to feel. I'm so MAD at him.  I basically told him that this is what would happen.  Do I have to lose my Dad and Father both to alcohol?????  I mean, what the hell?  i don't want to lose him, but at the same time, it's like  p*ss on him.  He got himself into this, why should I care?

This is just a really frustrating, crappy experience.  I know that no one can tell me what to think or feel.  I just needed to vent about it.