Wombat's True Love Valentine's contest
Word Count 990
Only for Her
Bryan stared at his reflection in the mirror. He'd showered, shaved, dressed and he still looked pissed. He'd done everything he knew to vent his anger, and nothing worked. All of the farm work was done. There wasn't anything on the place in need of repair. He'd considered breaking something, just so he could fix it. Bryan couldn't remember ever being this angry.
She'd been his everything; there was nothing he wouldn't have done for her. When she took a job in California, he figured she'd come home. How was he to know she'd never return? He'd been a fool to let her go. His cell phone buzzed across the vanity.
Casting it a glare, he snatched it up. It was her. Bryan drew in a deep breath and blew it out. "Jamison."
"You're coming, aren't you?"
There was so much hope in her voice. Bryan clenched his teeth to even his tone. "You know I wouldn't miss it." I'd rather run naked through a blizzard, but I'll be there.
"Look, I know this is hard. I just can't imagine you not being here. It means a lot; it really does. Aaron is a really great guy."
"Don't mention it. I'm sure he is." I'll shoot him later. Living in the least populated state had perks, like lots of hiding places for bodies. "Look Brenna, it's a long drive into town. I better get going or I'll be late."
"Okay. I'm sorry it happened this way. I never meant to hurt you."
Bryan's forehead leaned into the mirror. "I know. I'll see you later." He snapped the phone closed with a groan and straightened. Be the bigger man, Jamison. If he turns out to be the jerk you think he is, you can shoot him later. A grin pulled on his lips, and he shook his head.
"Suck it up, buddy. What's done is done. She chose him," he said as he marched through the house on his way to the back door. She'd chosen the paint color for the hallway and living room. He'd have to repaint. He snatched the keys from the hook by the door and trotted toward the Quonset.
The smell of the river mingled with ripening grain as he approached the large steel, outbuilding. The leaves of several large cottonwood trees rustled in the breeze. He loved this time of year; it was the lull before the push to harvest. The season offered little comfort. Bryan put his shoulder into the tall steel door. It screeched on its upper tracks, while the lower wheels spit dust onto his boots.
He slid into the bucket seat of his red '68 Mustang. The top was down, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and when the four-hundred horsepower engine roared to life, he could pretend he didn't have a care in the world. His foot went to the floor a couple of times just to feel the rumble. A drive to town might just be the ticket, or not, but hey, it was worth a try.
*****
He spotted Kevin waiting for him as he pulled into the parking lot. Bryan never liked this hotel, modeled after an alpine ski lodge. It only stood to reason Brenna would choose it for her reception. He waved at his brother-in-law and slipped into a parking spot not far from the door.
"You okay? My sister called and she's worried. She tried to reschedule, but it was no can do," Kevin said as Bryan approached the double wood doors.
"We knew she couldn't make it on such short notice. She's a worrywart, and so are you if you listen to her. I'm fine. I'll be fine." If another person asked how he was, they were going to get their teeth knocked down their throat. The center of his universe had eloped. How the hell did they think he was doing?
He rubbed his boots on the back of his new jeans to brush the dust off and entered the main banquet hall. The damned thing was cavernous. He scanned the room and came to a dead stop when he saw her.
Rich, brown hair was swept away from her heart-shaped face and tumbled over her shoulders. Brenna's blue eyes sparkled as she gazed at the man she'd married. Damn it, she was glowing. There was no denying he'd never seen her so happy.
"You knew this day would come," Kevin said over his shoulder.
"Yeah, but I figured I'd be giving her away. This arrogant bastard stole her."
"Daddy!" Brenna called, releasing herself from the other man's embrace.
All of the ire he'd held onto for the last week melted in an instant. How could he possibly remain angry when his baby girl was glowing? He wrapped his arms around her and pushed his face into her hair. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you too, Dad. Please don't be angry with Aaron. We would have waited if we could have. He wanted to ask your permission, like you did Grandpa, but he ships out in two days. Dad there just wasn't time."
A knot formed in his throat as the young private, first class, walked toward them in his dress uniform. "Sir?"
Bryan moved Brenna to his side and grasped the hand offered him. "Private."
"I'll take good care of her sir, I promise."
"I'm going to hold you to that." Bryan tossed his head in Kevin's direction. "Her uncle and I will make sure they never find your body."
"Daddy!" Brenna swatted at her father's chest.
The young man cast an uncertain gaze at his bride.
"He's kidding. Tell him you're kidding. Honestly Dad."
Bryan cut a side long look at Kevin and then to his new son-in-law. "Of course I'm kidding. I'd never kill my daughter's husband." I'll shoot you if you ever hurt her. Inflicting pain works too. A smile pulled at Bryan's lips.
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Comments: 30
I got slightly confused trying to figure out the relationship between Jamison ,Kevin, and the absent "sister", who I finally figured out must be Jamison's wife, mother of the bride. Why wasn't she there?
But that was only on the second reading. On the first pass through, you did a magnificent job of keeping up the tension, and contrasting internal / external thoughts. Perhaps italics might help make the internal ones slightly clearer.
But wow, I love the passion and emotion in this! Excellent!
Pat this is a spin off of my FCR entry. With 999 words it was difficult to work in that Jenna(wife) was busy in Nashville. Country Music artist.
I'll chew on the relationship twist and see if I can make it work better.. suggestions are most welcome.
outbuilding
worrywart
I'm no expert on commas, but I think a few are missing, like:
Tell him you're kidding Dad. He's not kidding dad, so a comma is missing.
This little tale is perfectly in the Valentine's mood. Thanks, Wendy, for jumping in the fray. Sweet.
What a wonderful way you chose to present this engaging story and the depth of the wonderful characters. The unusual twist with the mixed emotions of the father as he hands over his daughter to her intended made for a perfect ending. Nice.
Can you even imagine being Aaron facing his new father-in-law? Gulp.
Once I got to the end and realized the twist, I had to go back and read it again -- and experience it with a father in mind rather than a lover. On the first read, thinking he was the lover, it made me so sad. On the second read, knowing he was the father, I couldn't help but feel his masculinity. There's something about a father who has such ease in loving his child that I find very appealing and strong.
Definitely a great read!
Ann, the characters are from a finished ms. I know Bryan very well from Safe Harbor. Getting into his head wasn't hard. And when our daughter started to date; my husband voiced many of the same sentiments Bryan is feeling.
I also like how you made Bryan such a regular-guy. Very real. And appealing as well.
As Pat did, I had trouble with the sister reference. It confused me until I got to the end and saw the brother-in-law reference. Don't know that you need to change it, but wanted to tell you I did have trouble with it.
Want a few picks?
With this reading, "His cell phone buzzed across the vanity." I imagined the cell phone buzzing itself across the vanity, moving in fits and starts. "Across the vanity, his cell phone buzzed" might work just as well.
Consider splitting this into two paragraphs since Aaron was doing the action and Brenna the speaking...
The young man cast an uncertain gaze at his bride.
"He's kidding. Tell him you're kidding. Honestly Dad."
And of course I've got a few comma recommendations (ain't that what makes a comma queen?), but I'll only pass them on if you want them.
However, this is a great entry. Wonderful sentiment wrapped in a tender story. Well done.
I've been chewing on the sister reference. It's tough to accomplish what I'm after if I call her anything else. Suggestions? Anyone?
Thanks Julie. The only thing tighter than a father and his little girl? A grandfather with his little girl's little girl. You should see my husband with the grandbaby..precious.
I liked this a lot. But I missed the twist. I knew he was the father when she asked him if he was coming. What else could that mean. Or maybe its just me, because my daughter once asked me the exact same question. I wasnt mad though.
Sy, men see things different. Thanks for your input it means a lot.
I wasn't as astute as Sy about figuring out the twist right away, but nearing the end it occurred to me. The one thing that puzzled me (after knowing the twist) is why he'd want to repaint because she picked the paint color.
I did spot a couple of repetitions that could be eliminated by making different word choices.
"When she took a job in California, he figured she'd come home. How was he to know she'd never come home?"
Here it would work better to to eliminate the repetition of "come home". For example, you could say "return" the second time.
In the second half, Bryan uses "glowing" twice to describe her. The second time he could use "when his baby's so happy".
Regarding the male POV, by and large it is convincing. Bryan seems a bit gruff to me, even in the second half of the story, but he certainly has his reasons.
Okay, for the commas--
Casting it a glare[;] he snatched it up. This one should be a comma, rather than semicolon.
"You're coming[,] aren't you?"
"Look Brenna[,] it's a long drive into town[; or .] I better get going or I'll be late." Without a semicolon, this is the infamous comma splice. But a period works just as well, if you want a harder break.
Be the bigger man[,] Jamison AND Suck it up[,] buddy. In conversation--or thought--where you address someone by name, stick a comma before the name.
...mingled with ripening grain[,] as he approached--No comma necessary
Not a comma thing, but I saw this as I was rereading-- ...it was the lull before the push to harvest. It offered little comfort. Bryan put his shoulder into the tall steel door. It screeched... Three uses of it doing something. You might want to change at least one.
...of his red[,] '68 Mustang--I'd omit this comma because red is modifying the 68 Mustang. You could argue either way, but 68 seems part of a unit with Mustang rather than an adjective for it.
...the ticket, or not, but hey[,] it was... Lots of commas already, but there should be one here.
no can do[,]" Kevin said as...
...from her heart-shaped face[,] and tumbled over... Omit the comma here because the same subject is performing the 2 actions.
...missed you too[,] Dad. Could also argue for a comma before too, but I think that one gets a lot of slack.
Dad[,] there just...
I think that's all the comma stuff. But I'll second James's suggestion about repeating "come home."
If this is a long comment, just assume it took me a long time to explain, not that there was a lot to change. ;-) Glad that you didn't mind me throwing these out there.
I agree the come home comment needs be changed.
Beth I bow to you and promise to learn how to do this for myself. I need a commas for Dummies book.
I was going to point out a couple of comme issues, but Beth already got them. She's the queen, all right.
I think the punctuation is really all you need to work on. Everything else is perfect.
I recognized the name immediately...and thus realized that it had to be his daughter.
Also, every male in my family, as well as the males on the in-laws side have all threatened Kris with something very close to what Bryan is thinking at the end here.
Did someone call for chocolate?