Single Mom Triumph

For those of you who know me and some of my history, you well know that I have been struggling lately with a feling of isaltion regarding my single parenthood; there was an incident on another web community to which I belong (and for those of you-Shari, April, Stephanie, Linda, Julie, Dana, Jacquie and anyone else I forgot-who defended me, thank you SO much!  I love all of you, for different reasons and for who you are) where I was basically trashed for my religious beliefs, the fact that I can't stay married, etc...and it just added to my feelings of inadequacy.  I know part of the problem has to do wtih my own issues: I DO feel like a failure for being unable to find and keep a partner, I feel like a fialure for being in a financial mess at the moment, I feel like a failure for being completely unable to be both parents to these four children of mine.  So when this incident occurred, I just felt even more so.

BUT:  My family was invited to a Shrove Tuesday Pancake Dinner by our friends Rob and Janet, at their church (Janet is a Deaconness at the Episcopal Church here).  We went and had an absolutely wonderful, nourishing time-both physically in the act of eating and in a spiritual way.  We had all eaten our fill (guys, the pancakes were the bomb!) and were making conversation with some others at the table, and this happened: Owen, who is 20 months, was sitting on my lap reading a book with me and he suddenly started signing, "More drink please" furiously-while also talking about how a cow says "Moo." This woman called Barbara with whom Hannah and I had been talking looked at him rather askance and said, "What in the world is he doing?"  I told her, and she was amazed.  She looked at me and said, very seriously, "So do you work outside the home?" I told her yes, I am a single mom, so I have to; I am an insurance agent, blah blah blah....and then she said, in this voice of complete wonder, "You have four lovely, well-behaved children, you take part in the Relay for Life (as an aside, my boss and his wife are the Committee Chairs for this Area), you come to this dinner, you attend AA and church, you work full time, and you STILL found time to teach your baby to SIGN?"  It wasn't lip service, I could tell-she was genuinely amazed.  And it got me to thinking: I sometimes get so caught up in the fact that I can't provide for my kids the things I really think are important-music or dance lessons, extra-curricular activities, vacations, nor can I provide the things THEY think are important: name brand clothes, a new computer, an X-BOX or a Wii.  However, all four of them are well behaved, they have impeccable manners, they are respectful and kind (all of this, of course, only in public, as is the case with most kids I know), they all love to read and are interested in a ton of different things.  I mean, as we were sitting there, Sam, the 8 year old, was building something out of the wooden blocks they have there, and he piped up with, "Mom, look, I built the Parthenon!"  How many other kids in his class either would know what the Parthenon was, or what it looked like?  Thank God for Smithsonian Magazine!

So I have felt a small spark inside me since that moment; no, we don't have enough money, and no, the kids don't get a lot of extras.  No, we don't eat at the dinner table most nights, we don't go out to eat often, we don't have new furniture or a nice house.  But what we DO have is a lot of fun, almost all of the time.  We love to be together, we all read avidly and talk about the things we read.  All of the kids love music, not just the popular stuff that isn't even MUSIC (If I hear that stupid Soldier Boy song one more time, I am breaking the stereo, no kidding) but Eli especially can identify Mozart and Pachelbel and Bach and Vivaldi.  We pray every night before bed, and I make sure they have full bellies and a mom who loves them.  I NEED to hear people telling me I am doing something right; I need to be reminded of the things I DO provide for my kids that have absolutely nothing to do with money.  I know it is trite, something we all say at different times in our lives, but it really is true.

And today, for this moment, I know I am doing the very best that I can.  More importantly, today it is enough.  I am going to go with the feeling that in the long run, the things my kids are getting at home are far better than what a lot of kids-kids from two-parent homes-are getting.  It doesn't make me feel less lonely or sad or hurt-I want, so badly, for a partner to share my life with, and sometimes I miss Steve so much it hurts to breathe.  But it does remind me that all of the hard work and heartache is worth it.