I'm having a "what's the point?" kind of day

Scratch that, I'm having a "what's the point?" kind of week.  The week started off all wrong after a highly emotional weekend.  The week was supposed to start with me going to get my car inspected on Monday which was the only day this week that it wasn't supposed to rain.  The not raining thing is important because I have a toddler who I knew was not going to sit still for half an hour while they inspected my car so I was going to walk her over to the parent's center and give the guys a couple of hours to fit my car in.  Instead of that happening though my boyfriend forgot to take the carseat out of his car which left me with no option but to stay home on Monday.  Then the weather forecasters got it right for once and every other day this week has been crappy.  So not only was I stuck at home on Monday but I am stuck at home all this week since my car's inspection is past due and all the places I can take Audrey I run the risk of running the meter down and getting caught with an expired inspection which is a whole lot more money than I am willing to pay right now.

Being home everyday is really bringing home how dull my life is and how much I need a break from my daughter.  Everyday it is the same thing, the same routine, the same books before the same activities.  And everyday I am making meals and then making more food to try and find something that she is willing to eat, and everyday she refuses almost everything.  I also feel very guilty since I can't even let her go and play in the backyard since our backyard is a diesel truck parking lot, and nothing is in walking distance.  Complicating matters is the fact that Ed finally came out and admitted that he wants to be able to get a house "on his own" (as in without help) which means refusing the very sizeable check that his mother is offering to give us for a down payment.  That check would make it possible for us to get a house – something that is not within our reach otherwise, and won't be for a long period of time.  When he told me that I wanted to cry because I knew it would mean we were going to be stuck here in this tiny one bedroom apartment with no storage and no yard for the foreseeable future.

It would be easier to make this place work for me if Ed hadn't stated that he wanted to buy a house before we could do anything else – like get married (so now I have to apply for MassHealth since his employers don't want to be nice and put me on his health insurance) and have another child (understandable).  And if he would just except some help on the financial end or at the very least do the little bit of work needed to find his lost mutual fund (long long story) we could be in a house by the end of summer.  I know that so much of this stems from his reluctance for change because change often means work, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with especially when I am emotionally fragile as it is.

So, getting back to the "what's the point" topic – lately it has been a series of thoughts I have had – "What's the point of doing the dishes? there are just going to be more in a couple of hours"  "What's the point of trying to organize things? We don't have any more room to store things"  "What's the point of trying to pick up her toys? She is just going to get them all out again anyway".

I guess I just needed to get it out of my system and not have it bouncing around in my head anymore.

I will try to make next week better.