I had an epiphany while driving home from the office the other day. That's one of the advantages of having a long commute: you have plenty of time to let your mind's higher functions go idle and just wander while the rest of your body tends to the menial task of driving a 2 ton box of metal and hard plastic at a high rate of speed. I'm not sure if these extra moments of mental clarity make up for the fact that driving long distances twice a day exponentially increase the odds of dying in a fiery automobile related death, but I'm pretty sure one of these days I'll have an epiphany explaining how it does.
As for the epiphany that struck me in mid-commute, it was as follows: for as long as I can remember, my nemeses have always been Steves. This also includes Stevens and Stevies of the world, but not Stephens. Only the ones that have a 'V' in their name qualify. I don't know what I could've done to peeve the Steves of the world, but whenever I find myself on the cusp of success, there's always a Steve nearby waiting to thwart it.
I realized that my clashes with the Steves of the world happens too often for it to just be a coincidence. The kid in fourth grade who bested me in the class spelling bee? Steve. The annoying college roommate my freshman year who had the personality of cheese and the hygiene to match? Steve. The grating co-worker whom I shared a workspace with for five years who had a knack for creating more work for me than he actually managed to complete on his own? Steve. The police officer who pulled me over for just slightly exceeding the speed limit and probably should've let me off with a warning but gave me a ticket anyways? You guessed it. Officer Steve something. I could go on an on, but these examples clearly demonstrate a pattern of Steve induced woe.
So why have the Steves of the world aligned against me? I can't say that I have knowingly sought their ire by provoking them or acting in ways that would be exclusively offensive to Steves. After all, as a humorist it's not in my best interest to be at odds with a group consisting of all the Steves in the world. I'd be much better off feuding with the Shermans or the Jethros because there are far fewer of them and their names are much funnier. (Not that Steve is an unfunny name; please don't take that as a slight.)
Even if I don't know how or why it began, at the very least I want to end this grudge that the Steves of the world have against me. I've considered hiring a professional arbitrator to help broker a peace agreement between me and the legions of Steves waiting to take my parking space at the mall or refuse my expired coupon at the grocery store. The only problem is I don't know who the ringleader of the Steve army is to invite him to the negotiating table. Well, that and everyone I've mentioned this Steve nemesis (Stevesis) problem to keeps using phrases like "paranoid schizophrenia" and recommend that I undergo psychiatric evaluation, as if there's something wrong with me. Look at the evidence, I'm the victim here. The victim of a global Steve conspiracy.
Pretty much the only option I have left to end this Stevesis situation is to apologize for whatever I may have done to provoke them. Granted this means admitting I was wrong when I don't even know what I was wrong about, but I figure that's better than having to worry about having a roommate in the nursing home named Steve who keeps hogging the remote when I want to watch Matlock reruns. So, if you could do me a favor, please pass the following apology on to any Steve that you know:
Steves of the world: I am sorry for any wrong I may have done, either directly or indirectly, which has caused you any harm or irritation. Although I am unable to recall what it was I may have done to draw your anger, please believe me when I say It was never my intent to provoke you to the point that you felt it was necessary to mobilize your Steve army to wreak havoc on my day to day life. If you'll accept my apology, I will be eternally grateful and will find some way to make reparations for the past wrongs I may have done. I'm not exactly sure how I'll make it up to you, but I'm positive that I can think of something. Probably while driving home from work.
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My middle name is Stephen.
Guess I'll go brush my teeth now.
To a fellow long commuter: Be careful out there. I've been doing 100 miles a day for way too long. Unfortunately, there is no direct route, so 60 miles of it is two-lane back roads.
I have a cousin John. My ex-husband has a cousin John. My current husband has a friend and a brother named John. They all have very similar main character traits. Needless to say all the Deborah's and Debbie's in my life have also had very similar character traits that for one reason or another are at total odds with my character traits. Debbie's and Deborah's have been the bane of my existence since elementary school.
I have noticed this name/personality similarity even in the two most common names of Michael and Jennifer.
I have also found that if you ask most people you will find that the majority of people have an uncle Bill. Some even have more than one Uncle Bill, which is another interesting twist on this name game.
I'll apologize in advance to any Gather Missy's. I've never had an issue with anyone here of that name.
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
And worse yet, guys with alliterative first and last names.. Never buy a house from a person with an alliterative name. I have done so twice, and I still curse BB and DD for their shoddy home improvement attempts..
I'm plagued by Jareds.
I use "Harry" in most of my articles because I only know one and thus minimize potential taking offense.
I have noticed another pattern: Both you and Landen have long commutes and, shall we say, after your bodies have traveled X miles, your brains start taking side trips to Bizarro World — to the constant enjoyment and delight of we readers.
May you never have a short commute. (Nothing personal.)
Special thanks to Steve6r794 and Steve985r4 for calling this subversive article to my attenion.
Chris, when you least expect it...expect it.
;-)
Oh, and I also noticed that Steve is an anagram for vetes, which just so happens to be the Spanish second-person singular conjugation of the word veto. I don't think that's a coincidence.
So, you wanna buy a house?
Uh... No thanks.. *looking at watch* ... Gee! Is that the time?! I Uh..gotta thing to do ...catch ya on the flipside
Funny thing about names.... When I was single I always seemed to date guys named Mark/Marc, Joe, or Mike.
As for names that tend to mean trouble for me - Christines (interestingly Christinas aren't a problem); Catherines; and Shellys.
Your epiphany ranks at the top of all great insights into the hidden workings of the universe. Look how many people have a thing with specific names. Maybe everyone has a name and an "anti-name", a name that is their own personal nemesis. (Mine is Mark and all variations like Marco).
I am lucky to have a name that no one else has, and in fact when combined with my family name, I appear to by unique in the world. This is both good and bad, but at least, like Harry and Theophilus, I dont think too many people have serious "Sy" problems. (Or do they?).
Maybe it's just me, but Harry and Theophilus sounds like a great name for a movie.
Even with your long commute Chris, I have a feeling you hvae too much time on your hands.
There is a web site called Kablarians
that gives the meaning of names.
Let's see what it says about Steve:
"Although the name Steve creates the urge to be a leader and organizer, we stress that it causes a materialistic approach that frustrates higher humanitarian qualities.
This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the reproductive organs, and tension or accidents to the head.
The first name of Steve creates a shrewd, aggressive, business nature, intent on personal gain.
The desires for independence and financial success have been strong motivating forces from early in your life.
You are capable of logical and analytical thinking along practical business lines, and could excel in financial fields, law, or politics.
Your judgment is seldom swayed through your feelings."
That may explain your problem :)
Accidents to the head? That seems oddly specific. Here's what it said about my name:
Chris:
* Although the name Chris creates idealism and the urge to help others, we emphasize that it frustrates you through a scattered and emotional nature.
* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, liver, and bloodstream.
* Your name of Chris gives you a very happy-go-lucky, spontaneous nature.
* You see the humorous side of many situations and can laugh at yourself as well as at others.
* This name gives you a musical, artistic nature and you would do well in any occupation in the entertainment field.
* You have many friends because of your generous, happy nature, but if crossed you have a quick temper, although your annoyance does not last too long.
* You do enjoy an argument and will at times say things just to get others going and then you sit back and enjoy the debate.
* You lack system and order and find it very difficult to budget and save money.
Hmm, can't argue with that last one. Now where did I leave my wallet?
Um, Carl? As in Carl Chrisle?
Now I have to go see what it says about Wilka's in the name game page. My luck, it won't even have one in there. Always the bridesmaid...
Now, I do have a brother named Steve (with a "v") and I bet you would think he was just too right. So...
Nope, I don't even dislike chicks named bambi, or chrissie, or Poopsie.
I'll be checking the inbox for shared psychosisesesesessesses.
Thanks!
Wilka
I have a half-uncle named Steve. He's a great guy, but then my name isn't Chris, so we'd obviously have no nemesi (nemesises - which ever is the proper plural form) problems. Be assured that I'll never introduce him to you. Just to be safe, you know.
What I think happens is for everyone name there is one good versus one bad with the name, odds are you will meet an equal amount, but there has to be some that are affected by murphy's law and then after you have a bad experience with a name two or three times in a row, the pattern begins.
When I grew up it seemed everybody was Debbie or Jimmy. They were generally 9 good ones to one bad, so who knows?
Interesting article, I am surprised that other people had noticed this in their lives...