For those of us living with a person who has a mental or invisible illness, or are ourselves dealing with having a mental illness, I have been writing a series of tips and hints, or wake-up calls, about mental illness. I realize this will not be applicable to everyone involved with mental health issues. I am not a mental health professional myself, nor a doctor or psychologist. None of what is written should be construed as medical advice. But I do live with bipolar and just want to share some thoughts along the way.
Are you a caretaker or a supporter?
Is your loved one your caretaker or your supporter?
If you are a supporter of someone with a mental illness or invisible illness, are you put into a situation where you:
- Have to "walk on eggshells" around the person you support?
- Are unable to enter portions of the residence without the person you care for exploding?
- Have to constantly watch what you are saying?
Have to worry, not knowing if your loved one will be angry, happy, or some other mood? - Have to follow your loved one around checking to make certain that person has gone to the doctor, their therapist, has taken their medications, eaten the correct food, gotten exercise, etc.?
- Have to handle their important communications with others?
Or are you the one with the mental or invisible illness putting your loved one in the above situations?
I remember quite clearly how it was growing up with a mom who had bipolar disorder. We really did feel as if we had to walk on eggshells with her. We never seemed to know from moment to moment what mood she would be in.
She was so inconsistent that some of us began to show signs of stress early on in our lives. In my case, I would get terrible stomach aches that kept me from sitting very long at the dining table during supper. For my sister, she would throw up before going to school every morning. My brothers seemed to hide their stress symptoms better than my sister and I. Even when we watched how we talked with our mother, we still seemed to get into trouble over things we saw as unimportant. She was inconsistent in her discipline. What was punished one day was not punished another day. Most of us were glad to move out during our college years. Few of us ever returned.
My father was clueless how to handle Mom. He pretty much took her "side" in most matters. He became her constant caretaker as the years rolled by and she became physically sick (her bipolar went untreated).
People who become overly involved in the ways enumerated above have become caretakers instead of supporters of the loved one with the mental illness.
For the majority of sufferers of mental illnesses that do not require constant hospitalization, having a loving supporter should be enough. Most of the time, a caretaker is not needed. With the right amount and type of medications, medical support, therapy, diet, personal care, and mental attitude, most people suffering from most mental illnesses only need supporters, not caretakers. There are always exceptions, of course. But for the most part, if you are taking on the role of a caretaker instead of a supporter, then the mental health plan you are using is not working. Some adjustments need to be made. A talk with the doctor, phychiatrist, psychologist or therapist is in order.
If you are the person with the mental illness, ask yourself what you are requiring your
loving supporter to do for you. Are you demanding the person to be your caretaker or do you only need a supporter? It's time for a self examination.
The goal for most of us suffering from a mental illness or invisible illness is to become responsible for ourselves with minimum support.
Source: David Oliver Bipolar Central
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Comments: 8
# Have to "walk on eggshells" around the person you support? Yes
# Are unable to enter portions of the residence without the person you care for exploding? Yes
# Have to constantly watch what you are saying? Yes
Have to worry, not knowing if your loved one will be angry, happy, or some other mood? Yes
# Have to follow your loved one around checking to make certain that person has gone to the doctor, their therapist, has taken their medications, eaten the correct food, gotten exercise, etc.? Yes
# Have to handle their important communications with others?
Yes
This was my ex still even me standing there he was quite clever or not swallowing his medication and would go to spit it in the toilet. He in return tried killing me on more then one occasion. Your article is very well written.
It's gonna take a lot more than a revolving door clinic pushing drugs down these peoples throats to do any good
I suffer greatly from depression and am possibly bipolar. I don't feel that everyone walks on egg shells with me, but I do know that it helps a lot to have at least friend or family member involved with my treatment. I am much more likely to go to my appointments when I know that I will have to answer to someone if I don't:)
One of the problems with mental health cases is that we as the patient should follow a regime that included the medications plus therapy. Too many of us are not getting therapy. And if we are not in touch with our physician about the side effects of the medication, then we will have to suffer through the side effects. It is also a balancing act. You have to ask yourself if the side effects are an acceptible alternative to going without the medication.
For some of us, the side effects are worse than for others. So everyone can only judge by themselves. I am also looking into alternatives to medication. Some of it herbal or natural in nature. If something is found to work, then I encourage it.
Living with a person who has gone for decades without treatment or diagnosis, I am hesitant to say it is OK to go completely without medications. My mother put us kids through a lot of stress. She was so wrapped up in her own little world, and Dad was wrapped up with her, that they did not fully realize the affects she had on ut. All of us carry around scars from her sharp tongue. She never hit us, but sometimes scathing words and put downs and guilt can cripple a person just as much as hitting does. No one should underestimate mental abuse. There is just no good reason to shame a child continually year after year.
This is why I am adament about taking medications and getting a regular schedule of therapy treatments. Call it a balanced diet.
On the other hand, I recognize that some people just cannot handle the meds. I know of at least two people who could not take medication for their mental health conditions. But they recognized the value of support groups, something I strongly recommend.
I hope I don't come across as argumentative. I just want readers to know that I don't bow down to the almighty pharmaceutical company for everything. There has to be a balance. But I have already seen what a mental illness can do to a family when there is no intervention.
Along with the ADHD and PTSD is myriad baggage of other disorders and maladaptive coping behaviors that need to be changed or altered since they are a burden. Part of the baggage is my rearing in an abusive and negligent household.
Presently, I would say that my husband is more of a supporter than a caretaker, but I am also suffering from the mental disturbances (which are quite severe) of liver damage. The disease is really wreaking havoc with my emotional and mental stability.
Thank you for this article.
Anyway, my Mother was a yeller, and beat us for Fun--since We could not figure out "why" She was getting out the Belt. (Some small infraction.)
Talk about tip-toeing around her! Ha!
I have a Poem about it, though am not sure where to Post it.
-Another about Dad, a mostly "weekend" alcoholic.
What Fun. Not all of us look back on a great Childhood!
-Also, please take a look at my Poem, just above this article. I wrote it at the deepest of one of my Depression bouts. "When I Close my Eyes." Thanks!
Keep writing! Patty.