Tales from the Checkout Line - Do It Yourself?

Near as I can tell, there are actually three certainties in the world: Death, taxes...

...and waiting in the checkout line...

Look around you. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you'll find yourself waiting. It doesn't matter if it's the gas station, the grocery store or the department store. From the movie theaters to the arena, there you are, sitting in line, waiting to plunk down some of your hard-earned cash for some, anything.

And some folks, well, just don't get it.

You know who they are. They're the folks who make you wait longer. They're the people who have you thinking, "That's time I'm never getting back." And for what? To prove something? What are you trying to prove?

I fear this will be only the first of my rants about this particular subject. For starters, there's not a week that goes by where someone, somewhere is doing something ridiculous that makes me sit there and scratch my head.

Do you know who finishes last? Not the nice guy. It's the poor schmuck standing behind the sub-genius in line!

However, with the miracles of modern technology, we have been graced with the self-checkout line. Think you can go faster than the cashiers in leaving the store? Have at it!

And for a brief moment, those of us with a handful of stuff trying to get back home in time to watch the latest travesty in reality television can do so with ease.

Or at least try to...

Notice I said, "think you can go faster." Not all of us are blessed with the agility or, more to the point, the mental wearwithall to successfully master the self-checkout line. And it is these sad, sad souls that I now address.

Again, this likely won't be the last time I yammer on about this particular subject, but something the other day stuck in my craw something wicked bad. I found myself at the local grocery store with a couple of essentials, standing in the self-checkout line.

I saw in front of me someone with their baby sitting in the shopping cart (a rant I'll get into another day), trying to navigate self-checkout. However, there was one small problem. The person had about three dozen items, and they were trying to use one of the small self-checkout stations!

For those of you scoring at home, the small stations are designed for those of us rational-thinking folks with 10 items or less. Those with more usually have the good sense to either get into a regular line or use the larger station with the conveyor belt.

But no, not this plucky individual. They would not be denied their self-importance! And even as I walked to a separate station, scanned my junk and strolled away, there they were, fighting a losing battle with technology.

While this harrowing experience didn't affect me directly, it did lead me to publicly request the following rules for people who wish to circumvent real live people scanning their items to purchase:

1. If you need more than 30 seconds of employee assistance, you officially forfeit your right to get into self-checkout for the day. Further violations may result in a lifetime ban.
2. Please wait for the large station to open up should you have more items than you can carry in one of those baskets.

I suspect my requests will fall on deaf ears...