Here's my latest nazm in Urdu, followed by English transcreation:
Ek chiptee ummeed.
Likha sirf ek panna apne afsaneka,
kam lagi usmein, ek chiptee ummeed.
Jungse laute behaal, tooti shamsheer, aur
chaak girebaan bakhtar thaame, gir pade dehleejpe-
dilne chahi, sirf ek chiptee ummeed.
Zindagiki shaam mein dekha kiye,
itne bejaan tasavvur, ki zamaaneke shaque jalve
phike mehsoos hué -
phir yaad aayi buss, ek chiptee ummeed.
(c) Max Babi 040208
Transcreation :
Just one pinch of hope.
As I sat writing my biography,
from page one, I felt the lack of
just one pinch of hope.
Battle-weary with broken sword and slashed
armor, returned home to tumble down at my own
doorstep - my heart desired then,
just one pinch of hope.
In life's twilight zone, kept watching such a lot of
lifeless fantasies, all the glamor of this world paled,
and I remembered : just one pinch of hope.
(c) Max Babi 040208.
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Comments: 25
lifeless fantasies'...
Deep and lovely poem.
Gautami -you flooded my heart with a strange glow. This is the first time I have heard what I have longed to hear for decades... that my transcreation is as good as the Urdu original... this was something denied to me by hundreds of friends who have mastered both Urdu and English. Most of them staunchly believe Urdu is untranslatable, precisely why I indulge in transcreation. To them what you say would be a sacrilege.
Stirling and Jan - every language has its own beauteous sound. Someday when I can spare time and money, I shall have a PC with a mike and gizmos needed to put in soundbytes.... the thrill of the poem shall multiply several-fold. Keep watching this space for some more time.
Cheerz!
Lamhon ke kuchh kadan jaise guzare
daad kabool farmayein
AH
fiza
It is 'pinch' as in a pinch of salt. Curiously both the meanings you suggested do happen to be there in Urdu too.
Thanks for the encouragement, your words are worth their weight in platinum for me.
Cheerz!
Zindagiki shaam mein dekha kiye,
itne bejaan tasavvur, ki zamaaneke shaque jalve
phike mehsoos hué -
phir yaad aayi buss, ek chiptee ummeed.
There's such a sense of melancholy in these words, I think this would sound really good as a ghazal if Ghulam Ali sang this.
I love ghazals and shayeri. I understand most of the words as well. I wish I could read Urdu as well.
There is always so much color like the spectrum of a rainbow in whatever you share and I want to thank you for who you are.
namaste
an act of gratitude that comes from love which allows every hope to be fulfilled, no matter what the outcome. That pinch of hope goes a long way. Lovely poem, Max and I, too, would love to hear your voice read both versions. Hugs to you.
I like the way you drive home, in an almost Beckettian manner, the reasons why we shouldn´t have hope: the metaphorical battles fought wearing emblematic character armor and forever breaking one´s symbolic sword; the ¨twilight zone¨feel of contemporary existence, its ¨lifeless fantasies¨, false ¨glamour.¨
The poem is a perfect synthesis of structure and feeling, the two essential elements of any poetic effort.
Welcome back, after your US tour. I had been waiting impatiently for your comments... in fact I had developed a severe back pain, and had to take nearly two weeks off for more detailed investigations -doctors were suspecting angiomyolipoma, but it will take three months before I can rest in peace, the tumour on my right kideny seems benign and creatinine outflow has reduced too. Pathological tests were scary.
I am interested in writing several versions of this poem, the second version is ready, based on one of my favourite follower's sms reaction to this poem. She liked this so much she has made it a sort of national anthem amongst her peer group. I just took her English remarks and turned them into an Urdu poem.
Will post it here soon.
Thanks and cheerz!