A Bit Of Humor or Keeping Jesus Out of The USA

Last week I was sitting in my living room trying to decide if I wanted to meditate or watch the Jerry Springer show when I heard a knock on my front door. Actually I heard two knocks because the Postman always knocks twice. Our postman is a nice guy and just wanted me to know there was a small package for my wife. For some unknown reason he thinks I'm funny. I told him of my dilemma and he just laughed and wished me a good day and walked away. Well, I decided to meditate, so I grabbed the Teletubby sent to me for my donation to the Pat Robertson Mini-series and sat in a position I learned from watching Kung Fu Yellow Book commercials. I closed my eyes and envisioned blue waves softly hitting the shore. Such bliss until ducks started coming into my mind's picture and I started hearing quacking. Next thing you know I saw a doctor holding the Aflack duck and telling me I had a four hour problem. This jerked me out of my trance and I had my right hand do a check and found all was flaccid.

I went to the refrigerator and grabbed a Guinness beer, which is my favorite drink, since I learned from a Magi in Perth that it can stop unseemly behavior. This beer must contain some kind of magic because he claims he can talk to Leprechauns. I have not yet drunk enough to reach such enlightenment, but I did drink some at an overnight stay at a Holiday Inn. Well, I'm drinking my Guinness trying to steady my nerves, when I hear a double knock on my door. Thinking it's the Postman with a package for me, I run to the door and find two young men with Bibles in their hand. They tell me they have good news. I tell you that this excites me because it's Winter and I suffer from SAD. I invite them in and say, 'Do you have news about Punxsutawney Phil?' They look at each other, then look at me and say, 'No.' I take a drink of my Guinness and it's hard to mask my disappointment, but I ask them, 'What is the good news?' One man says, 'It is Jesus.' and then asks me if I know Jesus. I say, 'My neighbors are from Mexico, but I don't know their first names.'

Well, one of these men had a sense of humor and he laughed, but the other man must have Fathead pictures of Karl Rove dancing on his wall because his was as hard and serious as a character from a spaghetti western. Before he could speak, I kept a straight face and said, 'Are you guys from the Immigration Department?' The other man was now laughing hard and I continued and said, 'Are you trying to keep Jesus out of the USA?' Finally, the fanatic smiled while his friend was showing off his Holy Roller dance moves on the floor. I took a drink of my Guinness hoping to see a Leprechaun, but the serious dude seemed to be giving me a look of disapproval. I then asked them if they wanted a Guinness beer and they both seemed to have a horrified look on their faces. Maybe I had gone a wee bit to far and I said, 'Look, my friend from Down Under said this beer helps you see Leprechauns.' This really startled them and they then asked me, 'Do you worship the devil?' I looked at their rather concerned faces and said, "Of course not. I'm a born again Christian.'

Oh I wish I had a photograph of their faces for my words just left them confused. Finally, after a moment of laboring pregnant silence, the overtly stern man chastised me. "You say you are a born again Christian, but you sit there drinking a beer and just make fun of our message.' I said, 'Right on brother, but you still haven't told me your message.' He was angry and I said, 'Do you believe God wants you to love or be angry?' He just looked at me and I said, 'There is much we share in common, but you just want to push me away from God.' He spoke up and said, 'No that's not true.' I said, 'Do you believe abortion is okay?' He said, 'No, it's a sin against God.' I told him, 'You know I've never personally had an abortion, but I too believe abortion is a sin against God.' I then asked, 'Does that mean those who have abortions have no right to God's love?' He stammered and before he could answer, I asked him if he had really taken God's word into his heart. I said, 'You came here to save me, then judged me and found me unworthy because you are but a man. That is one reason I won't go to church. Church is to worship God instead of the thoughts of man.' They soon said goodbye and left me in my sins.