Your Momma warned you...

Well, I'm not sure how I manage to offend people so effectively, but if there is one thing in my life I can do it's that.  Okay, so mainly I offend men, which is strange to me, because I love men so darn much!  Yet, I always manage to get them angry.  Over and over I've been told I've got a wicked tongue.  In my defense, it comes with the territory.  I may be tall, but I've always been ridiculously skinny.  You see at 5'8" I stand taller than many people; unless you're a member of my family.  I'm the shortest, by at least an inch, of 5 children!  Add to that the fact that I never weighed more than a buck fifteen, and you've got a girl just begging to be picked on.  Because I refused to be pushed around and trampled on I've used that sharp-edged sword of mine to fight my battles, since my own physical strength wasn't going to get me anywhere.

By my teenage years I had been grounded countless times for something I may or may not have said to a sibling (I can neither confirm nor deny these accusations at this time).  I have this unique ability to see the emotional weaknesses in people and when I'm angry I just seem to pounce.  Okay, I should clarify, this is not so much the case now (unless you are the poor chap that put a ring on my finger), but it was in the past.

I recently saw a segment of Dane Cook's stand-up.  Whom, by the way, I cannot stand.  Please do not assume I was watching Dane Cook of my own free will and accord.  My physical strength is still on the low end of the spectrum and words are not nearly as effective when you are gagged first, then tied down to watch Dane Cook (that's really the only way you're going to get me to sit through that cruel and inhumane torture).  So, anyway, Dane Cook, for once in his life said something intelligible and, as my captor explained to me, this intelligible comment applied to me.  I am, he says, an emotional terrorist. 

This is how it works.  When you are least expecting it I make a small comment.  I plant a little seed in the back of your mind.  This little seed at some point is going to explode.  When it does, it is going to rock your world.  You will then question who you really are, what your purpose in life is, and why in the world you were hanging out with me in the first place.  You see, I warn all those close to me in advance.  I am not heartless enough to send them into this unawares.  You think I'm joking about questioning your purpose in life, yet I've actually been told that I "am the type of person that raises the suicide rate."  Yep, I know you're laughing right now.  I laughed too, when it was said.  I know that makes me even more heartless and uncaring, but why lie?  It really is funny!

Well, I guess it just goes to show you, I am that girl your Momma warned you about.  No, not the promiscuous one!  The one that is going to break your heart into little tiny pieces.  Lucky for you, I'm off the market.