Save Our Endangered Vegetables

"Vote to add Brussel sprouts to the endangered list."

I have written about vegetables before so you know I am no fan of our flora brethren. I never met a bean I liked and brussel sprouts, well, let's just say there's considerable evidence this particular vegetable is the invention of the devil. All I know is that I get nauseous every time I'm in the same room with them.

Contrary to urban legend, most vegetables are not that intelligent. Few, if any, have more than a minimal education, except for a certain type of beet that went to Harvard.

Given vegetables' lack of mental acuity, it is our obligation as responsible caretakers of this planet to use the 90% of our giant brains currently unoccupied elsewhere to come up with innovative ways to protect our lovely, leafed friends that are less fortunate than we.

Why are vegetables endangered and why are you just hearing about this now? Vegetables are endangered because of the health nuts who mounted a major public relations campaign to convince us that we will live longer and healthier lives if we eat vegetables instead of, say, a rare steak and a Flintstone vitamin.

The reason you are just hearing about this now is because the real truth about how vegetables are being raised has been kept under wraps. This is part of a giant conspiracy that includes farmers, food processors, supermarkets, the media, the United States government and my mother.

We see endless clips of the blood and mayhem in the Iraqi war. However, no one is airing footage of the daily slaughter that takes place as leafy vegetables are sliced off their stalks, peas are plucked from their pods, tomatoes are ripped from their vines and members of the squash family are ... well, that's too gruesome for a family newspaper.

It doesn't end in the killing fields. Vegetables cut down in their prime, before they even can reproduce, are then divided and sorted, diced and sliced, minced, chopped and splayed in restaurants across the land. They are boiled, braised and, yes, even barbecued before being proudly paraded in a ceramic dish to unfeeling diners and unwilling children.

How would you like to end your life swimming in a stew, sautéed into a soufflé, or squish kabobed between two chunks of raw pork?

I have obtained an exclusive interview with a vegetable that escaped the 2007 harvest holocaust. His plant name has been disguised for his protection.

Me: First, congratulations on your escape. Curious readers will want to know: How did you do it?

Disguised Vegetable: I've always been mature for my seedling group. When I heard the harvesters coming into our field, I pushed hard and bolted right on the spot.

Me: And they left you alone?

DV: I was no good to them any more. I'm here, alone, content to live out my natural cycle and sow seeds, which I am looking forward to. It's lonely now, but in the fall my seeds will sprout. Then it will be fun for all until I naturally wilt away.

ME: You're the only one in your family that escaped?

DV: Unfortunately. I had an uncle a few rows over who ended up in a Waldorf salad, a cousin who was shredded and dumped into a rabbit pen and my brother was peeled, sliced into a bowl and served as dipping sticks at a metrosexual soirée.

Some vegetables try to escape by falling off the truck on the way to market. Almost always, they are picked up, washed off and placed in supermarket food bins. These unfortunates are known in the trade as vegan road kill.

I SAY, let's use the Endangered Species Act already on the books to real advantage. Vote to add brussel sprouts to the endangered list so restaurants - and mothers - will not be allowed to serve them to unsuspecting children under the age of informed consent.

Once we win the endangered-vegetable battle, we can move on to one remaining objective: saving vegetable substitutes. These products, the most defenseless of all the species on the planet, are also endangered members of the food chain. Wonder Bread, Velveeta, Twinkies, Devil

Dogs and pretty much every good-tasting transfat-laden product are going stale on supermarket shelves, abandoned by uncaring consumers trying to drop their cholesterol another few points to appease the HMO demigods.
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