For Ladies Only: A fairy tale

Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there was a very lovely princess (as princesses always are in faraway kingdoms), and because she was

1. A princess
2. Very lovely
3. Sweet and
4. Kind not to mention
5. Intelligent and
6. Well-informed

princes from Almost Everywhere and Other Places were always dropping by her palace by way of Grand Adventures in the Hopes of Winning Her Hand. Sometimes the Hopes of Winning Her Hand was a great ship with a hundred white sails, other times the Hopes of Winning Her Hand was a carriage led by magnificent horses. Once a prince rode in on a magnificent machine with two wheels, two sets of pedals, and two seats complete with handlebars. He took her on a very lovely ride in the country.

But no matter where the princes took her, no matter what lovely outing they planned, they all said the same thing:

"You are the loveliest, sweet and most kind--not to mention--intelligent and well-informed princess that I have known," and took her hand. "Marry me."

No matter what prince, riding no-matter-what wondrous locomotive machine, from Almost Anywhere (or Other Places), said the same thing. Of course, sometimes it sounded like:

"A ay nu a be rah," e ac l'n. "Pa."

And other times like: "Eres la mas bonita, dulce y generosa-y sin duda-inteligente y bien informada princesa que yo he conocido," y la agarraba la mano. "Casate conmigo."

Now you can see--through no fault of their own--some princes used a great many more words than others. And the princess, being truly sweet and kind, listened patiently to them all. But she was also intelligent and well-informed.

Following his declaration, most often the prince would try to kiss the sweet and lovely lady.

In spite of her very poor eyesight, the princess could see that princes from Almost Everywhere (and Other Places), could barely see beyond their own noses.

"There is a difference," she would say, "between near-sighted and short-sighted." She would hold whatever prince's hand who had come to court and say in a very soft voice, so that he had to incline his head in her direction: "You are a delightful prince and most comely (or some similar statement regarding the particular prince's best quality), but I cannot marry you."

So proceeded the life of the princess. She managed to keep busy with the business of running a kingdom--seeing to affairs of state, building pretty parks, telling stories to children, and watching the comings and goings of the more ambitious ambassadors and ambassadoras of state, who sometimes forgot themselves and their duties. She very kindly reminded them of the difference between right and wrong, which they very frequently resented. Ah well, such is the life of a princess. It is not all starlit balls and marriage proposals from Almost Everywhere and Other Places.

One day the princess awoke to the urgent supplications of her most devoted Ladies-in-Waiting. (Most think these ladies waiting upon the princess or the queen, but I can tell you with a certain amount of absurdity that they are actually waiting for most any sort of prince from Almost Anywhere and Other Places.)

"A most delightful prince has arrived at the gates, m'lady," the ladies said in harmony, sounding almost like the sparrows dodging and dipping in and out of the elder trees just outside m'lady's window.

"Bid him wait, m'lady," the princess said somewhat testily, for she had not had her morning coffee and was not quite at her best.

"Yes, yes, m'lady," echoed throughout the room, down the corridor, and out the window where the poor sparrows scattered in fright. "We shall bid him wait."

"Very good," the princess said, a tad to gruffly. Her morning voice was low and not as comely as her after-tea or after-noon or especially her almost-twilight voices. "I shall see him shortly."

"Oh, no, m'lady," said one of the happier but not particularly good-of-hearing ladies in waiting. "He is quite tall, and handsome, and well-spoken."

"That is particularly heartening, my dear," said the princess and bid the greater majority of her ladies leave while the chosen few helped her to her coffee and into an almost-yellow gown embroidered with pearls. Her very favorite lady set a silver crown inlaid with lapis lazuli and yellow diamonds into her hair.

The princess appraised the mirror. Without turning, she gazed into the eyes of her ladies. "I believe I am ready to meet this well-spoken prince."

Her ladies nodded, and she descended.

The prince invited her to a picnic on the side of the lake. He insisted on carrying the tarts and cheese and fizzy fruit juice himself. He slung a coverlet over his horse's ass in a most gallant manner. He bowed.

Which was all perfectly impressive to the princess. She thought she liked him, but she kept her thoughts to herself as princesses are learned to do in This or That Class.

"Shall we?" said the prince.

"We shall," said the princess, and they set off for the lake amidst such a silence that the flutter of a butterfly's wings and the unfolding of a flower petal was perfectly audible.

"That's a very gallant sword," said the princess after a time of considerable quiet.

"As it should be," said the prince and in kind, "and that's a very glimmery dress you're wearing."

"As well it should be," said the princess, letting silence settle back upon the grassy meadow and the flowers.

The prince had picked a particularly perfect day for picnicking, complete with yellow sun and fluffy clouds that reminded anyone looking skyward of marshmallows or cotton.

The princess gleamed, feeling quite unsure of herself with a shiny brow. "That's a very annoying fly," the princess said and swatted at the beast, careful not to kill it but only to hurry it away.

"As it should be," said the prince. They had arrived at the sandy banks of the lake, and he hopped off his very pretty horse. He bowed in a most princely way. "May I help you down?" he said.

"You may not," said the princess, still stinging from the heat and the buzz of the fat meadow fly. She slipped off her horse in the way water falls over a cliff--simply stunning. "May I help you set the picnic?" she said once she had found her ground.

"You need not," said the prince. "I am perfectly competent." He unfurled the coverlet with a flick of his wrists and it floated to the ground. "Please do be seated," he said.

The princess did so.

The prince proceeded to lay out the feast. They nibbled cheese and sipped sweet bubbly wine. Occasionally the princess caught herself in the middle of an unexpected laugh. But for the most part the princess waited for the prince to say to her (in the language of his choice):

"You are the loveliest, sweet and most kind--not to mention--intelligent and well-informed princess that I have known," and took her hand. "Marry me."

Quite toward evening when a chill had overcome the pleasant afternoon air, the princess addressed the point. "When are you going to tell me I am lovely, sweet and kind--not to mention--intelligent and well-informed?"

"You are all of those," said the prince without specifically alluding to when he might say so.

"Well don't you want to marry me for my mostly comely qualities?" she said.

"No," said the prince.

"No?" said the princess. "Is that all? Why don't you want to marry me?"

"Are you asking why a wolf cannot see the scent of prey?" he asked.

The princess paused. "I think not," she said after a time. "I believe I asked why you don't want to marry me."

"Ah, ah," said the prince. "Now I see what you are saying."

"Well then?" said the princess.

"I am not interested in marrying a pretty princess--however sweet and kind," he said.

"Not to mention intelligent and well-informed," the princess added, lowering her eyes to examine her hands.

"Not that I am seeking in any specific way a princess who is unintelligent or uninformed," said the prince without looking in her eyes.

"Nor I suppose," said the princess, "unlovely--not to mention unsweet or unkind." A fly buzzed her sweaty crown, and she batted the darkening air.

"If I were to marry you," said the prince, "it would be because I can tolerate your bad, not because I am overtaken with your loveliness." He raised himself up on his elbow. "I am not from just Anywhere or Other Places like that."

The princess smiled. "I have looked almost Everywhere," she said.

"Well I am not from there," the prince said and laughed. "Have you ever been to Don't Let This Chance Pass You By?"

"Don't Let This Chance Pass You By?" said the princess. "I cannot think that I have."

"Well you should not miss it," said the prince.

And she didn't, and the two of them lived happily ever after.