Pulling a Britney Spears

 What this refers to is the fact that I was standing in front of the mirror this morning trying to do my hair, and I was tempted for just a moment to say "Fuck it" and shave it all off.  I didn't, of course, but the whole stupid incident made me shake.  I understand it; I don't claim to be anything like good old Britney (thank heavens!), but boy, in my own life I can see how something so simple and stupid can also be so appealing.  Oh, we can all say things about how it is a cry for attention or she was so stoned that she didn't know what she was doing or myriad other excuses, but I call bullshit on that one.  It is, I think, about control; having it as opposed to wanting and needing it when the rest of your world is spinning out of control and you are helpless to stop it.

I am and have been struggling with a lot of issues recently, and part of my recovery from alcoholism involves letting go of control, understanding that God IS in control and that things happen for a reason, blah blah blah.  It also means doing what I personally can, and at the moment, it seems like I have exhausted all of my options.  I have tried to look at everything from a different angle so many times that it ends up just looking like a circle, at which point I know I am done trying to see alternatives and just have to accept.  I hate that part of it, I really do; I don't mind doing the work, I don't mind taking steps, no matter how small, but I can't do that until I accept the situation for what it is.  I have a tendency to say "But it isn't FAIR," or "It isn't RIGHT," and those things are true; the things that are going on are neither fair nor right, but at the same time I can't do anything to change it.  That is a hard pill to swallow, because what does it mean?  Giving up control.

I have been engaged in a rather disheartening discussion on another website to which I belong about my particular situation specifically and single-parenthood in general, and I have been trying SO hard to explain things to "them" so they GET it.  It isn't sympathy I am looking for, it is a place to go where people can say "Hey, I get it."  I don't need a lecture about how God doesn't give me more than I can handle, if I just get "saved" and pray then everything will be fine, and I certainly neither need NOR want Scriptures quoted to me.  I don't need to be accused of being insecure and weak; I don't need people telling me that I don't deserve my tax refund because I didn't EARN it (let me tell you, sister, I am raising four kids on far less money than you make with your one child who doesn't live with you AND your husband who works-and I am doing it with no financial help.  You bet I earned this!).  After a point, though, I realize that to those who are happliy or even not so happily married, my life is so inconceivable that I might as well not waste the time and energy trying to make the understand.  It just isn't worth it.  Or rather it IS worth it, but I just don't have it in me anymore to try to change anyone's way of thinking.

Pulling a Britney?  Sure, I am capable of it; we all are, those if us on the edge with nowhere to turn for support and understanding and concern.  I have a little band of fellow current or former single moms, as well as several very enlightened married friends, and they understand; they get me.  They know the fear and loneliness that comes from being a single mom with no backup.  They get what it feels like to have no one to turn to at night-for love, for comfort, for support.  They know intimately the ins and outs of trying to figure out how to stay home with a sick kid AND still pay the bills that month.  It isn't sympathy or pity they give me; it is strength and understanding and knowledge that this life really, really sucks (a dear MALE friend told me not long ago that he wouldn't wish being a single parent on his worst enemy), but that we will get through because we have to.

I still have my hair today; I am not going to drink, nor overeat nor jump out of the car wearing no underwear.  But I am going to do what I have to do to get through today, and I hope that somewhere, one person who looks down on we single moms (Mike Huckabee?  You reading this?) will stop and look at who we are and what we do, all day every day, and maybe widen your viewpoint just a bit.  If I can help one more person "get it," then I can rest easier.