My grandson Alex turned six last week. He has a fascination with trains that is amazing. He knows trains. He understands trains. He lives, eats and breathes trains. Are they diesel? Do they use coal? (How does a six year old know coal?) He understands railroad crossings. He knows when the whistles are supposed to blow. He loves couplings. He has trains out the wazoo. What could we possibly give him for his birthday? How about a train ride!?
Sunday morning was bright and bitterly cold. We picked up him and his mother, my daugher Kristin, and headed to Independance, Ohio, to partake of the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad tour. A full ninety minutes on a real train! We arrived early enough to stop and have coffee for the adults and chocolate milk for Alex. We got to the train station a half an hour early, as we were instructed to do, to begin boarding. The parking lot was full of others waiting to board, too. We all had to wait in our cars, as the temperature outside was frigid. Boarding didn't happen on time. Then it didn't happen past the on time time. We had one very, enthusiastic little boy to control during this wait. This is what excited looks like:
Finally, we were allowed to line up in the cold to start the long boarding process. It was about this time that we realized the coffee and chocolate milk may have been a mistake.
Once on the train, Kristin and I were both thrilled to see a restroom right by the door. One of the trainmen told us to just have a seat anywhere and not to worry about the seat numbers on our tickets. The train began to move and Alex was beside himself with joy.
Kristin was about to get up to go to the restroom when the conductor made what would be the first of many announcements. Let's just call him Conductor Spaz, OK?
"We've encountered a small problem today. It's four degrees outside and the toilets have frozen. There are no toilets at the other end of the line, either. I'm sorry for this inconvenience."
Umm...inconvenience? That wasn't what we considered to be an inconvenience. Kristin looked over at me and told me she was in trouble. She couldn't wait. I had forgotten that she had the bladder capacity of an amoeba. She was also questioning what was going to happen when that chocolate milk finally hit Alex's bladder. We knew we were in trouble.
We weren't allowed to focus on this trouble for more than an minute or two, because now, Conductor Spaz had another announcement to make.
"I'm sorry, folks! But the trainman who told you that you could sit anywhere was wrong! I don't know what made him say that, but I need all of you to be in your assigned seats. Look at your tickets and move to where you're supposed to be."
What? Why did it matter where we were sitting? A few people got up and started looking for their seats, but many of us sat still, just out of annoyance and wonderment. Conductor Spaz came back into the car, again, this time with a microphone.
"PLEASE TAKE YOUR ASSIGNED SEATS! MY TRAINMAN HAD NO AUTHORITY TO TELL YOU TO SIT WHERE YOU WANTED TO SIT! FIND YOUR ASSIGNED SEATS, NOW!"
Kristin looks over at me and says "If I have to get up to move, I'm going to pee my pants." I was also feeling the same pain, but I chose to keep quiet and not focus on it. I knew her focus would be enough for both of us.
People began shuffling around, while Conductor Spaz continued his rant with the mike. As he walks by us, repeating his litany, Kevin says rather loudly, "What does it matter where we're sitting, as long as we all have a seat?"
This was the point where Conductor Spaz changed his tune. Now he started apologizing for the trainman who told us this and said we might as well stay where we were, as long as everyone had a seat. I think he apologized and made this statement four more times.
We just stared at each other is disbelief. Kristin said, "Mom, I really have to pee." I informed her that I didn't have a toilet in my pocket. "Mooo-oom! I really have to go!" I told her I remembered why I hated traveling with her when she was four. "Mom! I can't wait!" I asked her what she expected me to do about it. She's twenty-eight, for God's sake. I was choosing not to think about my own bladder at that time.
But now, it was Story Time. A loud bell sounded and a woman began telling stories about the area over the PA system. It wasn't a very good PA system. There was much crackling and popping to assault our ears. Our fellow passengers continued with their conversations, as did we. Interspersed, of course, with Kristin telling me how badly she had to pee every few minutes. She didn't think it was funny when I offered to make a tent for her out of my coat so she could pee on the floor. Alex was oblivious to everything. He was on a train! He could blow his train whistle at every railroad crossing.
It was about this time that the Annoying Story Lady broke into an accent. She did a very bad version of a southern drawl (Why, I don't know. We live in Ohio.) and began to tell the story of the Great Flood of 1917, and how the whole area we were in was under water. Water was everywhere. Houses floated by in the flood. Water, rain, flooding, floating...
"Mom! I'm going to die! I really have to pee!"
At this point, the power went out in the train. Kristin used the ensuing confusion to find the kindly, old trainman who first told us we could sit wherever we wanted and flirted her way into a porta potty. Conductor Spaz began running through the cars...well...spazzing. There was no light or heat, but there was also no Annoying Story Lady, crackling and popping in our ears.
That's when a voice from the back of the car announced, "If I can't tell you the stories, I'll bring you the animals!" Kevin said he wasn't even about to look to see what she was talking about, but morbid curiosity got the best of me. I turned around in my seat to see a woman dressed in a Boy Scout uniform, with a...
"Oh, God, Kevin! She has a dead raccoon over her arm!"
Well, maybe it wasn't quite that bad, but that was what I thought it was at first. She went from seat to seat, telling tales and showing everyone the raccoon pelt, the coyote pelt and the beaver pelt. They were gruesome, especially to the young kids. Holes where there should be eyes...
The hideousness of the moment got to me and the laughter started. God, I had to pee!
So, our feet are now frozen. Everyones except Alex's, as he was sitting on his to see out of the window. He continued to be oblvious. The windows were totally fogged over and obstructing his view, so we were getting soaked when we wiped them down. About ten minutes before the ride ended, Alex began announcing his need to pee, also. This was a good thing, as I don't think we could have gotten him off of the train had there been a bathroom on it.
All in all, I'd only rate this experience a three out of ten. The stories it generated, however, were a wonderful exercise in what to do with a captive audience.
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Comments: 79
But the whole "bladder of an amoeba" thing is just cruel. But ah... that's because I can relate. The first thing I do at any new place I go is figure out where the bathrooms are.
I guess I take the train for granted. I worked downtown for a couple summers and took the train every day. I could tell the horror stories.... Actually, Ina, my muse, maybe I will write an article! : ) I wonder if my sister still has that picture..... Hmmm....
I agree with Spanky.... The picture of excited Alex is priceless.
Hate to brag, but I am called "Cast-Iron Bladder" in my family. We could go for a 6 hour rides and never have to have a bathroom break. My husband on the other hand is like a dog who must mark his route.
We only have to go through a route once and he immediately finds all the rest areas, all the gas stations with bathrooms, and if none were available when the urge hits him, he finds the nicest bushes and trees that would provide him the screening privacy he needs.
Me, I sit in the car and pray that the cops aren't patrolling close by.
The young one looks like he had an awesome time.
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Hilarious.
Little darlings, they are
I've never seen that level of cruelty in my own kids, but I might not be paying enough attention. On the other hand, it took months to convince my four-year-old not to climb into my lap by jumping on my bladder. Apparently, he was trying to get in some early playing with his unborn sister. It's actually pretty odd. He'll eat all kinds of foods he won't normally touch if I'm eating it; it's like, "if Roxanne is eating it, I'll have some, too."
He's an odd one, but there's no malice in him.
Tina ~ My daughter comes by her bladder capacity naturally. She got it from me and I got it from my father. Hers is definitely the worst of the three of us. I was just glad Alex had no clue about any of our misery. He had a wonderful time.
Mariana ~ You should have something good to write about jury duty, no?
flit ~ If I couldn't look across the aisle and see his awestruck face every few minutes, I could have never have made it.
Lainie ~ Thank you! I never thought trains were a big deal, myself. I guess if you're 6 and don't ride one every day, they're pretty exciting.
Vicky ~ It's already funny for us. In fact, it started being funny when we watched Alex running through the frigid air, looking for a bathroom. That kid can really move!
Julie ~ Thank you! I agree about the enthusiasm. I can't get like that unless there's karats or alcohol involved.
Duckie ~ Braggart. But seriously, I'd love to be like you. I can never leave the house without gauging my fluid intake and length of time to my destination, first. Sometimes I feel like I really have to go and when I do, there's hardly anything there. That ticks me off.
Tonia ~ This definitely wasn't my "worst ever need to pee" experience, but I think it was my daughter's. I'll always remember the tortured look on her face.
Doyle ~ That would be like a dream for him. He makes us all be quiet and listen when he hears a train whistle. The look of rapture on his face is absolutely delightful.
dianne ~ Thank you! It was definitely worth it. Next year, I'm taking him to Target instead, because I know where the bathroom is there.
Stephanie ~ I'll never forget my pregnant bladder, either. And when that annoying woman started telling the story about the flood, I was absolutely losing it while watching Kristin's face. I love how your son wants to eat what his baby sister is eating! That's adorable!
Marilee ~ I remember reading that and thinking we had a couple born close together! I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
flit ~ Kids are the masters at torture, aren't they? I think what we endure at the hands of our sibs just prepares us for the crap life will hand out.
Sue ~ He was definitely worth every second of this torture. Her story about the four degree, frozen toilet was hysterical, but I didn't think I should share something that personal. Let's just leave it at...she's intact. :o)
He is scrumptious and you are a wonderful grandma.
Believe it or not, I used to be at all the model train shows in Ohio, my ex and I sold collectible cars and trucks, a lot of them were to scale with the different trains and we made a lot of money at those things and had a blast. Model train people are a different breed and we had a lot of fun there.
Do you take him to the model train shows, because I know he would love the layouts and the different trains. If you don't know where any of them are - Gather mail me and I will give you the phone # I have of one of the guys that runs some shows. He's tied in with the rest of them. I'm out of the loop now, but I think my ex still does the shows. Of course I won't talk to her, she's a dork.
I'm glad that the birthday boy had fun. It would have been a 0 out of 10 otherwise, I imagine.
I expect you clarified there would be no more train rides until summer?
Lyndon ~ How astute of you to notice! We were actually talking about that while waiting in the car to begin boarding. I think it was the first time he took notice of it, himself. His mama has them, too.
Andrea ~ Kristin actually went to the dining car and got an empty cup. She thought she could sneak into the bathroom with it, but they were locked.
Aniko ~ The next ride is on his mama. With five grandkids, we could go bankrupt trying to keep things equal if we didn't limit a lot of this kind of stuff to birthdays.
It's too bad you have to go to a special scenic railroad to take a train ride nowadays. Where I live, the train station is a block away. We have real trains up the wazoo.
I love it. Don't tell Alex; he'll run away from home.
Stephanie ~ I'd never thought of looking for a train museum for him until I started reading this thread. Youse guys gots good ideers.
That was my first question when she told me she was going to take the bus to Winnipeg this summer... how the heck do you think you are going to manage that without using public washrooms?
(I hope she doesn't follow my comments or I shall be in T R O U B L E)
I did kick Tamara from my private group though... needed a ~place~ to talk more freely ...told her I was doing it and why though
This was a wonderful story, the best of it was Alex's joy at getting to go for a train ride!
Alex is adorable! When we publish our own dictionary, I vote we put his picture beside the word excitement. Nothing could illustrate it better.
She didn't think it was funny when I offered to make a tent for her out of my coat so she could pee on the floor. I'll have to tell you about Lyrical's American Idol audition.
By the way, I made no comments on the significant cuteness of your grandson because I've come to the conclusion that all children named Alex are sinfully cute. Your grandson is clearly no exception.
Nippy ~ Yes, and you'll notice I didn't even talk about what kind of shoes both me and Kristin were wearing.
Richard ~ OK. You made me laugh very loudly with that. I wish I would have thought of that when we were on the train and starting to hear children lamenting that they had to go pee.
Corina ~ I don't know how I could have prepared for this unless I brought us all Depends, thermal socks and Xanax.
Sandy ~ Thank you! It was worth every minute. In fact, Kevin knew I was compiling an article about it in my head before it was over. I've managed to find something funny about nearly every misstep we've taken since I started writing again.
Lyndon ~ Urine trouble for that comment.
Yeah, I picked up on the Alex connection. They ARE adorable, aren't they?
Terror Train !!!
Sandy ~ OK, but you have to give me credit below the photo.
Sarina ~ I was thinking along the lines of a catheter.
Duckie ~ You're going AGAIN?! I'm so jealous! You're going to stop by here, right?
Down by the station
Early in the Morning...
I was going to continue with a song about bladder control problems but that's just immature.
La ~ I could adopt you. I'm mom to many.
It's a shame that train travel isn't what it used to be in the US. I remember taking train trips across the country several times as a kid. Now, the majority of my train travel (other than public transportation in US cities that have it) is in other countries.
Ina - oooh, I'll be right back - ah, that's better!
I loved every tense moment in your Alfred Hitchcock moment!
Sandy ~ Me and Kevin are cracking up over here! You are just too silly!
Eric ~ Yes, I worked very hard on building the urine suspense on this one.
Every trying experience needs an annoying story lady. Sometimes it's a guy. SOmeone who won't shut up and you imagine anvils falling on their heads.
About tweleve years back, I couldn't find a restroom in Monterey's Cannery Row. None of the businesses would give me a break. I had my spouse be my lookout and converted a stand up ashtray into a urinal.