you are worth more than that

"you are worth more than that, loads more"

                                     Jeremy kyle from the show with the same name.

 People with bad dental work get on the show and confess their various sins or otherwise a lie detactor reveals the truth, they come from the British working class, are mostly unemployed or earn very little, they are on the bottom of the social scale, they sleep around and act irresponsibly , and that is where Jeremy Kyle, the presenter, steps in with his psychologist at his side, advicing, urging people to look up from the gutter they ended up in by compromising again and again, and not feeling they have a right to something better than that.

Why i started watching the show, as soon as i got cable t.v., is beyond me, it is really a lot of rubbish as the British would say..problems i can not relate to most of the time,

when i was 16 i was not a mom of two kids dating a drug addict who cheats on me, nor was i a single mom who has had five children placed in care of strangers thanks for social services and am seeking to renew contact with the father.

I know who the biological father of my children is, i don't need the DNA test the show offers for free to children of confused parents

BUT all this can change, i tell myself, but for the grace of God walk thee, or something like that, after all it is only too easy to fall into the traps of loneliness, desparation and low self esteem.

I have done all right for myself , i realize after having watched these shows,

my biggest problem is the house needs order

today as the sun was shining brilliantly , that too was solved, search and ye shall find, the house is more or less on the mend, as the British say, perhaps i am too.

We all recover from something, for some it may be a broken heart, a broken marriage, a broken arm, for others all of the above.

A friend of mine sent me a short movie whose theme was a quote from the Jewish scriptures which basically says:

"G-d does not place a barrier over which you can not climb over or deal with"

in other words, we are given what we can deal with ,

so it seems for some of us it is a lot more than for others

when i was 16 i slept next to a siamese cat and my childhood dog, i had two parents living together, and siblings, a roof over my head, extended family, but that all changed ..

I remember going to a friend from school to offer my condolence after her father died all of the sudden one dark night.

My father came to pick me up as it was not as  safe a neighberhood as where we lived  , my friend came from a poor family and her father worked physical work to support a lot of children, amongst them my 16 year old friend ,Lilli.

I stood at the doorway and burst into hysterical laughter, i just did not know what to say, that reaction happened to me whenever our school had memorial day or holocaust remembrance day and we would have to stand still in memory of the killed and murdered , after some pupils would sing beautiful and sad songs.

Why did i laugh ? i was so sad for my friend, but i was only 16 and did not know how to tell her how i felt, i did not have my feelings in order just then, but i do remember going on the bus with my father , usually he would drive, and as i sat next to him, i was so grateful i had a living father, i only wished i could have found the words to tell him that, but i didn't .

Two years later my father died of cancer in his bed in  the room next to mine .

The grieving process for my father has been evolving ever since, and it is still very painful , so much that i have to cry when i write about it , even though 26 years have gone by , the pain is still there.

Whenver i see people suffering, from disease, relationship problems, betrayal,

addiction problems, etc. i think to myself,"but for the grace of G-d walk i "

I dont know if there is a plan and if people are presented with the packages of pain they can bear, that teach them lessons about life

I only know that if there is any purpose to pain in this life it is to make ourselves more compassionate to others suffering,

i dont really see any other reason to have experienced pain

but i want to do my best not to have to endure pain unnecessarily nor that my children would feel pain unnecessarily

i suppose that is why i decided to end my marriage two years ago

because i felt i could do my small part to eliminate the pain our family was going through, i also thought that i would rather my daughter not grow up with a father than have one that   would   never  sit  with her on the bus , worrying that she would come home safe , knowing someone cared.

I thought a father should think and care about how his children feel and try to minimize the pain they feel as part of living in this world, not maximize it by acting selfishly, in violence and denying reponsibility for his action, that is not the kind of parent i thought should be my partner in bringing up children, no, it's got to get better than this, i thought to myself, even if i do have to do it myself 

i thought she and i and her brothers were worth more than that.