The Sidewinder's Stride

Comments: 20

Mariana T. Jan 20, 2008, 3:41pm EST

Wonderful poem - makes me think - I'm visualizing the tracks in the sand at my beach. Salud.

charles thiesen - gather's only god, proud to be from gay-supporting Massachusetts Jan 20, 2008, 3:53pm EST

But Sidewinder's stride is funny and startling in a way I like. It's so obviously NOT a stride. Can't it stay, Ivy? Please?

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David S. Jan 20, 2008, 3:59pm EST

Nice thoughts, Ivy. I did choose "stride" on purpose instead of "slide", and I had considered "ebb and flow" as well, but thought it a bit too familiar--of course "come and go" are also familiar. Anyway, some great critique--I surely appreciate it and love considering suggestions.

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charles thiesen - gather's only god, proud to be from gay-supporting Massachusetts Jan 20, 2008, 4:09pm EST

Come is not a strong verb?! Ivy, I don't want to question your intimate life, but....

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Abbie S. Jan 20, 2008, 4:24pm EST

New here. I loved this poem ... simple and visual. I think 'stride' is just right ... because I have to think the sidewinder knows where it's going, even if it looks erratic to us. I do think the poem could be tightened up just a bit ... for instance, I'd take the 'all' out of the 2nd line. The only line that for me doesn't have the lyric of the rest of the poem is the 4th line. And the last line ... since it's a children's poem, I like having questions in it. What about turning the last two phrases into two questions: 'Which is forward to him? and Who gets to decide?' I like how this poem captures a moment, and in just a few lines, successfully ponders a mystery of nature. Great stuff for a children's poem ... and one that will delight the adult reading the poem with the child, too. So is this the kind of stuff we're supposed to be posting for 'join in the conversation'?

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charles thiesen - gather's only god, proud to be from gay-supporting Massachusetts Jan 20, 2008, 4:25pm EST

Oooops. Sorry. (Slinks away like bad little boy.)

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Eric (Don't Tread On Me) Spindler Jan 20, 2008, 4:29pm EST

Bad! Bad guru!

I really liked the poem. I pictured the blacksnake that lives in my basement, paying his room and board by keeping the field mice out of my home.

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charles thiesen - gather's only god, proud to be from gay-supporting Massachusetts Jan 20, 2008, 4:37pm EST

No, only being smitten. Sigh.

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David S. Jan 20, 2008, 6:27pm EST

This is all very helpful. Thanks everyone for your great comments!

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David S. Jan 20, 2008, 6:31pm EST

Ivy I really agree about "come" and finding a word with more character. I'll probably stick with "stride", since cowboys, wild west, desert, etc. is just what I'm wanting to conjur--or thereabouts. I also like the more direct approach that Abbie suggests for the last question: "who gets to decide?" seems more clear and, well, direct.

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JeniSage S. Jan 20, 2008, 10:56pm EST

Sharp, crisp imagery. Carl Sandburg aimed for such fashion at a point. You communicated it beautifully. xxx.

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Linda K. Jan 22, 2008, 5:17pm EST

I love it, David! Just the poem to tickle the fancy of an adult or child. I like reading it aloud. It has the kind of playfulness I adore in Ogden Nash or Shel Silverstein. Let us know when you and Ivy hammer out the precise and ultimate words.

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~*~Nina~*~ R. Jan 25, 2008, 9:01pm EST

I really like this David! I could visualize it as I was reading the poem!
Thank you!

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The Sidewinder's Stride

Comments: 20

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