What Is Being Alone?

Today I feel alone. Why? Maybe because I received a knock on my door, it was the city animal control officer wanting to know if I owned the cats out side of my place. I had to say no. They are all feral and I don't own them.

I know the animal control officer didn't just happen by today but was called by some neighbor who lives near by. The feral cats don't bother anyone. Mostly they hang around my place or wonder through the woods behind my place.

I couldn't tell the officer that I owned the cats because if I had I would have had to show rabies shot certificates and tags for them. And I don't really own the cats they are my friends who I let down today. The officer set out several cages to try to capture the cats. He also told me if I fed the cats again I would be cited.

I can't afford to pay a fine. Heck I can't afford any extras for myself. I strain to buy the feral cats and my own NoNo food. Last month I spent about a third of the $100 I had to buy food for myself on food for the cats. They can't help who they are or why they are alive. I can't see them go hungry but also I can't keep them from being captured and taken away. I know what will happen to them since they are feral.

No one will take them since no one will be able to pet them or handle them. They can't help being what they are. Some human put the Mother grey cat out and she happened upon me. She is afraid of humans. Even though I have fed her for so long she still finds it hard to be near me when I feed them. She wants to run away but is so hungry she can't run away either.

I sit here tonight feeling lonely, more so than usual. I don't have the money to take them to a vet for the shots they need, even if I could round them up. They aren't going to let me put them in a box or cage to take them to a vet. I still have wounds from one of the grey Momma cat's latest kitten biting me on the finger when I picked it up after it got into my home. It hid under my microwave table until I moved it and then rather than go out the door it tried to squeeze itself under the stove. It bit though my finger nail and into the soft side of the finger as well as scratched my hand. No I didn't harm it but let it go as gentle as I could to keep it from being hurt. It was scared as it had never been handled before.

Yes, I went out my back door and took them food where no one else could see me feeding them when it was dark. It is going to be very cold tonight and I couldn't see them going hungry. Why do people have to hate animals they can't control?

If this was my land and I didn't have neighbors who lived so close no one would even know the cats were here. I can feel for them as I've spent most of my adult life alone. Even when I was married I was alone. After I told my wife not to come back home I found three diaries in which she wrote she never loved me from the first. They went back to before we met and ended just weeks before we separated. I was a way out for her then she got stuck with me as no one would run away with her over the eleven years we were married. Reading those diaries tore my heart apart.

I've watched so many of my friends over the years and their marriages where they are happy together. Yes, I've had friends who were not happy and divorced. All I ever wanted was someone who could love me for me, someone who I could love with all of my heart. Now I'm old, my children have lives of their own which I'm not a part of. I was told by so many women who I dated "If only you didn't have four children you would be such a great catch". I would be a great catch. Yeah right, a great catch, no one has wanted me. There is always a catch to why they can't or don't want to be with me. Sniff, sniff, nope I use deodorant, I'm house broken, I pick up and wash my own clothes, cook rather well (haven't killed anyone yet with my cooking), and been told I'm not all that bad to look at.

I gave up. I haven't asked anyone out on a date in over nine years. Part of that is because I haven't had a car most of that time, part is that I haven't had money for a date and the biggest part is I got tired of the games. Now I don't know if I could live with anyone. It has been since February 16th of 1977 that my divorce was finalized and lived alone all that time. Yes, I had children with me up until nine years back when my home burnt but that is different. They were my children not a companion, a wife. Someone to live life with until you grow old together. Well, I can't do anything about that now. Most of the women I know around here are young enough to be my daughter.

I started this out about my friends the feral cats. They don't know what danger they are in right now. I wish I didn't know. I feel so helpless at the moment because I don't know how to help them. I can't take them inside as they will not come in and NoNo would not be happy with that either. Right now I just feel so alone. I know it is my fault they are still around here because I have fed them. Easy food, easier life so they stay where they know they will be fed. I feel conflicted about what to do or to try to do. The animal control officer doesn't care. He is doing his job. He was told to come out here to get rid of feral cats that is what he will do. If he catches me feeding them I will have to go to court and pay a fine for trying to keep them safe and fed.

I know they will be put to sleep if he takes them away. No one will be able to adopt them because they are feral. It isn't their fault they are feral. It is some humans fault. The one who threw the Momma grey out. If I could have gotten to the kittens when they were young enough I could have tamed them. Now it is too late to tame them.

I will do what I can for them which isn't all that much. It just hurts to know I don't have time to do anything nor the money to do anything for them.