Last week I read my son's report card, and it said to me, "You're working too much." The grades were down, not sharply, but noticeably. In her comments, his teacher tried to allay our fears, but no use, my wife and I spiraled immediately down into the dank, vermin-infested dungeon of working-parent guilt.
For years, the pattern was, I work 8-3ish, come home, do homework with kid or kids, dinner, bath, bedtime, second shift from 9pm - ?. But I have found that since turning 40, it just gets harder and harder to belly up to the keyboard and punch the clock for the late-night session. So in compensation, my clockout time at DadLabs has been creeping back. Net loss of tutoring time with kiddo. Hence grades.
Add to that, the pressure of friends and the call of outdoors, and the need to provide an actual childhood. Ideologically, I believe that kids are over-scheduled, that they need time to just play and be kids. When a friend comes to the door, my immediate impulse is to send the kid out. But looking at the report card, one of my first thoughts; "Wow, the admissions committee (at the private school where my wife works) is going to look at these grades next year."
I'm thinking about ADMISSIONS! I'm becoming one of THOSE?! Time to pull the kid out of class so we can go sniff glue together all day.
I know that most of you couples have two careers (78% according the latest study I've seen). I know that my neighborhood with its guilt-magnifying, study-defying, over-abundance of stay-at-homes is not representative. And all single parents must be feeling me here. But I am at a loss and submerged in guilt.
When do your kids have their homework time? Do you feel they need adult supervision (my son is 4th grade, maybe I need to let him shoulder more of the responsibility here)? Does a dual career family necessitate some kind of after-school, after-care study time? How to you deal with the guilt of having the kid in school from 8-5?
Maybe I'm just late to the juggle ? My apologies if you are having a "duh" moment at my expense, but do please share your experience.
I'll check comments tonight after the kids go to bed, 'cause I'm outta here.
Clay Nichols, Family Correspondent:
Clay's column, Dadventure, published twice monthly to Gather Essentials: Family, is a sure-fire guide to raising flawless, perfectly behaved, and always obedient children. Yeah, right.
Clay is the co-author of Filmmaking for Teens: Pulling Off Your Shorts, an award-winning playwright, and the Chief Creative Officer at DadLabs.com, a fatherhood website.
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Comments: 11
I feel for you - I hope that helped. Good Luck!
That means study and friends and freedom and being a kid (I'm as opposed to over-scheduling as all of you, but let's be realistic) all have to happen from 4-6. If both parents work, then how do you manage this time?
Excellent Article! Thanks for posting this to...
The Educators Review
Two examples of help that I gave.
1. Along about 3rd grade, he was asked to write a paragraph a day. He was a good writer, but his penmanship sucks (genetic defect). So, one day, his paragraph is returned with a note, "Larry, I'm sure that this is a great paragraph, but I can't read it. You need to improve your penmanship." So, Larry takes great care in crafting his next paragraph, and it is indeed legible. Feedback from the teacher reads, "Larry, a paragraph needs to be more than one sentence." He alternated between messy, long paragraphs and neat short ones for several days. After a few alternations, I sat him down at our computer (an Apple II) and taught him how to use the text editor. Problem solved.
2. Along about 8th grade, Larry started having serious concentration problems, especially with math problems. We developed this regime. He would start in on his homework. About 30% or halfway through, he would lose it. I would get him out of his seat and take him running, for a mile. After the run, he would settle in and finish his work.
I never ever told him what the answers to questions or what to write on essays. I figured that it was my job to give him a decent shot at doing it himself.
Now, ask me about science fairs.
Clay, I'm glad you put sleep high on the priority list as it is vital to good health. A well rested mind has clarity and can retain more information during an average day. Keeping a good routine not only helps to set the family's biological clock but it teaches your children consistency.
Homework in this case should simply be a quick refresher and maybe a little prep work for the next lessons application.
The teachers can only do so much in a given time a well rested stress free student is more apt to learn in the class room and hopefully keeping homework from dominating family time.
Like Richard said, talk with your son to get a better idea of how he thinks he can do on his on. There's something gradifying about being a big boy unless he's grabbing at straws.
When my oldest son was that age he would drag homework out all night (Really just to spend more time with Mom or Dad) Soon he learned that if he wanted to get in on a little family fun, (at least 20-30 min.) he had to get his homework done early. Eventually he'd do it on his own. This was a major accomplishment for all of us! However, once leaned, it set the pace for his younger siblings.
Life is WAY too short to stress all the time. Don't miss it...get that worked out soon.