The Gang Member in My Home

Wow, that is such a scary situation to be in. I'm so glad that my daughter is like your son and has no interest in the gangs. She is now all grown up and pretty much on her own and I can feel safe that she will make the right decisions in life. I feel for the "friend" also in this situation and I feel for you and your son being in the position you are in. Hopefully the friend will see you and your son as that family that he is in so much need of.

I will pray that your son stays on the right path and that his friend doesn;t get into any trouble!!!

I think you are being very generous, so much so that it worries me. You are in a bad postition-if you tell your son to stay away from his friend, he probably won't and he may even rebel against you for suggesting it. On the other hand, I am worried that your son is in danger by being with this young man. I don't have advice, just concern for all involved.

You have some genuine concerns here. I would also be worried about your son. Gangs are nothing to take likely. I am worried for you all and will keep you all in my prayers.

Do any and everything you can to get this child out of your house and out of your son's life! Growing up where I did, I seen alot that I shouldn't and those rivals don't care about anyone but themselves. At this point your whole family can be a target! And it's not likely that he will be able to get out of this gang, you can't just get out. They can "beat" you out, and maybe even shoot you out-but its not easy. I hate to be so upfrount, but I seen two boys shot and killed from a rival gang, and one wasn't even apart of it. They don't care-they will shoot and kill anyone. My prayers are with you.

Sounds like great potential for a disaster. I feel for you in your situation. It's a hard call to make. Being a Christian is like being in a life boat, you want to help others in, but you have to be careful they don't pull you out, in this case it is your son and the waters he might go in is joining a gang. I understand being there for this boy but at the same time you don't want to pay a price for it. God will guide you, I certaintly can't.

That is so sad. As a mother, I can relate to this. Although I was never in a gang, I did take a sociology class about that and realize that like others said, you cannot usually just "get out." You endure threats and mind games if you do. They tell you that you cannot make it on your own.

Deep down I fear my son will find the wrong friends. It's so hard when you knew someone since they were a child and see them travel the wrong path. My heart was heavy reading your post.

I don't know if this will work because it's hard to control a teen's time, but maybe if you kept him busy so he couldn't see the friend as much (or he worked, joined an activity, etc) that would be better. A church might be able to help him & his friend. Maybe they'd go together?? I don't know, just a thought.

Know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you, Michelle. His family lives in my neighborhood, but they are not very tightly knit. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. They aren't abusive or neglectful or anything like that. They are just very hard working and not at home a lot. It is difficult to communicate with them too because they do not speak English very well.

Today is the first time my son has been anywhere with him and it was in the car with one of my son's other friends...so I was pretty sure they would be fine.

I appreciate your response, and I do know how difficult it is to get out of a gang. Its so sad that kids feel they have to join a gang in order to have family. There is a special gang unit in the local police department here, and they talk to the kids on an individual basis...helping them to break free. They have helped a lot of kids get out...so there is hope.

Thanks,everyone.

Kim...thanks for the comment. The thing is...my son hasn't been seeing him hardly any at all until this week....because he has been busy with the gang. I think when his friend's friend got shot, he must have felt the need to get back to somewhere safe and familiar....and that was at our home. They have spent all of their time here...other than tonight when they left to pick up the job applications. My son stays busy and has lot of his own interests...so his friend ususally comes here and end up doing whatever my son is.

I admire you to not give up on this kid. So many would. It is a very sad situation, but people have left gangs. I hope he is one of the lucky ones.

Cheryl, we had 4 children and lived in 7 different states over the years...Never seemed to have a problem finding a trouble youth...and we had one, who seemed to be able to find the ones who were between a rock and a hard place...just like the situation you are posting...

Rightfully you need to be aware and concerned...but also thankful that you can give a somewhat safe haven to a trouble young person even for a short time...

These kids cannot change their home life...and when they decide to accept your home as a place to be safe and stay, they also need to understand they have a responsibility to keep YOU and those YOU LOVE, safe from the elements they have chosen to be connected to.

Over the years, and many different situations, I have found that one of the safest things to do for ALL concerned is have as open and honest a conversation as possible with your son, and who ever the friend is that is connected to the gang.

They usually are considered lifelong connections unless they move away..and they are not easy to get out of. I agree also with Michelle, your child needs to be protected because of his own innocence...all the more reason you and entire family have to have pow wow with young person you have opened your heart and home t so you all understand just how serious this can be.

I cannot stress enough the need for open conversation....totally honest, and no bulls---t and that is exactly the way to say it. If possible, and you feel you need some direction, do not hesitate to talk with school counselor you can trust, if available, to get support and have some outside impute...

I have to give credit tho, to another source I asked for and used for protection, that my child (and other kids) never knew about...I believe in angels...for various personal reasons, and there was not a day I did not talk to and request protection for...not only my child, but the other involved..I have to give most of the credit to them....and I am still saying thank you, and my youngest is 38....


There was only one time sadly, one of the friends chose suicide to escape...and that was very hard for not only my son, but also myself...wondering if I had missed a way to help him, was there more that we could do to help his demons...to be there more in some way...again tho sadly, one of the things we learn as we get older is the answer is not the one we want.........

Cheryl,

Please be very, very careful with how you proceed. I think the best advice that I can give you at the moment is to run (don't walk, run) to your local police station and ask to speak with someone in their gangs/violent crimes unit and explain the situation to them and ask for their advice.

I've seen a lot of documentaries on gangs, my sister works in the South Bronx as a teacher and has had to deal with gangs, and I know some people who have been involved in gangs but are old enough now that they're considered to be "retired."

Michelle is absolutely correct when she states that gang membership is "for life" and most gangs will consider only one method of exit from the gang: relinquishing membership by leaving the gang in a body bag (or coffin, if you would prefer).

If your son's "friend" does try to leave the gang, they will have no qualms about putting a bullet through his head. And if they think or believe or even suspect that your son had anything to do with it, the same could go for him.

Please take this matter to the proper authorities. Your son's "friend" can be placed in a witness protection program if he chooses to turn state's evidence and leave the gang; in fact, all of you may have to be placed in the program as you've decided to help this unfortunate soul.

It's terrible that his family isn't there for him; where, exactly, are they and what are they doing?

Right now the bond between your son and his "friend" is possibly the only thing preventing your son's "friend" from having a meltdown/breakdown right now. He's probably extremely conflicted about loyalties and what not and should begin therapy immediately.

Again, I"m not a professional in anything and these are just my thoughts and opinions and I present them to you in the hopes of helping you solve your dilemma and get both your family and your son's friend the help that all of you need right now.

Best of luck, and keep us posted as to what happens!

That's a scary thing, Cheryl. I hope your son stays clear of any trouble, and the more you can help his friend, the better. We had a family move in next door for a while a few years ago. The Gang Task Force coordinator at our school told me that the mother was one of the top three in power in all Northern California. Needless to say, we were very concerned. However, she was always very courteous, and on night when some of my students decided to TP my house, she came out and ran them off! LOL.

It's a terrible situation for sure. Like you said while your son is not part of the gang anyone who might be of a rival gang may see it another way he might even notice your son on the street alone and recognize him as hanging out with the gang member. This happened to a friend of mine. She was beat up pretty bad even though she was not part of gang. Good luck!

Cheryl,
I do not have kids and won't tell you I can imagine what you are going through I cannot, nor can I speculate what I would do as I am not you. With that said. Listen to your motherly instincts. They are strong and they will guide you in your time of need. My piece on gangs is limited, I fear for your son regardless of where he goes and who else is with him. Keep him mindful and remind him of how dangerous it can be. My thoughts are with you and your family. Good luck.

This is a heart wrenching situation. A while back my mom sort of 'adopted' a friend of my brother's and mine for a while because he was getting beat up by his step father at home. My mom's actually done this with a couple of my brother's friends. One of their fathers threatened her for it and she was very nervous the whole time. It was good for the kids, temporarily, though having the kids around wasn't especially good for my brother and I outside of seeing my mother's example of outstanding kindness. Both of them stayed with us as sort of a half-way house before going on to other things. One was a thief. One was a drug addict. It's hard to offer much optimism in this situation unfortunately. Both of those kids have grown up fairly troubled though they are engaged in somewhat positive things. The kid that was a thief joined the military and excelled right away, and seems successful there, though while talking to him, he ranges from being aloof to acting excited about killing people. The other kid is now a die-hard capitalist who occasionally lapses in to drug binges and is one of the most confused people that I know. But he is making tons of money and he works non-stop. The problem seems to be that values aren't always cut and dry. You can't fix people, and some people don't want to be fixed. On the other hand though, if your personal philosophy is to be kind and to offer all of the help you can, there's no saying that that is a bad thing, but you have to be careful with youth in over their head. Both of the kids that stayed with us were very smart, smarter than most adults, but without the experience to make the right decisions. When I was with them I used drugs and I know that my brother was involved in breaking into people's houses with one of them. My mother doesn't know much about it, and it's safe to say that she probably did both of them a lot of good, but both me and my brother are lucky that we didn't get arrested or hurt doing things with them. I don't know what to tell you about your son's friend. When I was younger I often put myself in situations with dangerous people that could have placed my entire family in jeopardy if those people came after me at home. Some people in gangs do not care who a person is with. Most of them don't know how to shoot guns though they have them and will fire them in people's general direction. Some of them get off on hurting and/or killing people for no reason. It's an atmosphere that exposes and nurtures the worst traits in people because it is pervaded by fear and the burning desire for acceptance and reverence. I'd say to keep your son as far away from all of that as possible, but when I think back to when I was younger; If my mother had turned my friends away to be beaten by their fathers and lapse into drug binges I would have hated her for it, and I have a lot of respect for the risks that she was willing to take in taking those kids in. This is such a delicate issue. To be honest. If it was me, I would err on the side of caution, at least until you have every single shred of information about your son, his friend, and exactly what they do together at your disposal and are willing to accept the risk for your son and yourself of allowing them to hang out together unsupervised.

Oh my. I read your article and felt so bad for the poor boy and felt grateful to you that he had a safe place to turn in his need. But I read many of the comments and just felt sad and scared. It sounds like a difficult situation :-(

I hope the boy stays away from the gang and they don't give him any trouble. Thanks for sharing your story.

Thank you, everyone...for the comments and advice. It really is a difficult situation. The good part about the situation is that my son never really goes anywhere. He goes to school, comes home, does homework, and plays video games. His best friend...(who is a very good kid from a great family) comes over and they hang out here. Sometimes they go out and skateboard for a bit. But at night my son is always home, and I know where he's at...and to that I am soo grateful. His contact with his gang friend has been very little lately until the past couple of days. And his friend respects the fact my son has no interest in such activity. My son talks to him about it, and tells him to be careful and such. His friend knows as well that as much as we worry for his safety, we will not protect him if it means putting our family in danger. I'm quite sure in a day or so, he is going to return to his gang activities. I think he is just very upset over his friend getting shot, and it has made him think about the choices he has made. Right now he is using our house as a kind of respite, I believe.

I do pray for guidance and I also believe there are angels protecting my son and my family...and hopefully his friend too. It would be very hard for me to just turn this friend away. I tell myself that if I did and then he ended up shot, I could never forgive myself. I will be careful. I promise. I have a degree in Criminal Justice and do know the gang officers. I am not naive and my son isn't either. He is well aware of the dangers.

Thanks again for your comments and prayers...

I read the comments from others and your own comments. I can't add anything except to say thanks for sharing.

Cheryl, you are a wonderful person. I know that you will do what is best for your family and for your son's friend. Big huggers to you.

Wow, Cheryl... I will keep you and your family in my prayers and PLEASE be careful!!

I have nothing to say....just hugs.

I understand the worry. I pray everything will work out for the best.

I hope that everything works out for everyone involved.

I wish you peace in all your worries about this, Cheryl.

When I met my current boyfriend Patrick his youngest brother Larry was on 11 years old. He was really smart in school and he always got A's. Well, unfortunately when he was about 17 years old and we weren't around too much when he was that age. He too got involved in a Gang. His involvement was not much know to us back then, all we knew is that he was a white kid involved with a primarily Mexican Gang in West Side of Phoenix. It turned out at times pretty bad and other times not so bad. You ask how could there be a not so bad & you are all right but, what I mean is that most of his little Gang Want to be's were loyal friends to him, the Bad is that the one's who weren't loyal friends were the one's who set him up for bad things. They would tell other gang member who wanted to kill him, beat him up whatever, they would set him up so they could tell the bad guys when and where he would be at all times. Regardless of both the bad and not so bad, it was when some one was killed in front of his parents house by a drive by shotting. The guy who did the drive by gave the murder weapon (gun) to Larry & his girlfriend, the Murderer told them to hide the gun. And should of could of would of done opposite as they say if I knew now what I didn't know back then. When the police arrived to the scence they asked Larry & girlfriend where the gun was. He at first acted like he didn't know any thing about no gun. But, when the police would not believe their stories, and told them that they were going to be charged for the murder if they didn't in fact tell the truth. And that if they told the truth that they would be protected from prosecution from their involvement of hiding the gun. That if they didn't tell the truth they would be considering as to helping the Murderer all charges for involvement. So, that apparently was enough to get the truth out of both of them. Unfortunately they didn't have the knowledge of the Laws better. Because what they really should of done make sure that the Laws not only protect them from prosecution but also protect the two of them from the Murderer finding out that they were the ones who had told the police the truth and had to in fact testify against the Murderer in Court they had to tell them in Court who had done the Murder. Because later on that was what was to and still to this day remains Larry & his girlfriends worst ever fears. Currently the Murder is out of Prison and Larry is in Jail the girlfriend is some what safe (that what she says? Not in my opinion) The Murderer has a $500.00 each hit out for the two of them because they didn't get that kind of protection from the Law. And there is absolutely not one single thing the both of them can do about it years later. What is even sader he is no longer involved with the "Gang" want to be's. That is the only good thing out of this whole thing. The bad and totally unforturnate thing is Larry & his girlfriend got married a few years back, and they have 2 children together and that is what is sad. The Murderer and his "Gang" affiliation could not care less is they were to kill Larry, his wife and the 2 kids either. That would actually probably make him pretty happy if he knew the whole little family was wiped out. First of all I will pray that your son never be involved with the "Gang Member" crap...... Period your situation is totally Terrifying to me, because his friend my very well be a Great Kid, but his involvement period can put no just your son in harms way, but his still having your whole family in his life is also, an exteme Danger. And I hate to tell you this but, that is reality......... I will pray for your whole family to always be safe from them "Gangs" but, your whole family may need alot more than prayer for Safety, and I am Sincerely Sorry to have to tell you this.............. For now Larry is safer in Jail then out, but will be out soon enough, his wife thinks her and the kids are safe. And that is all any one of us related to them can do to protect any of them..................

I just want every one too know I did make a few mistakes in my comment above and I am sure every one who may readf it will know that they were mistakes. Example being: I wrote, "What was even sader he is no longer involved with the "Gang" Want to be's. What I meant to write was, "That the only good thing out of any of that story was that Larry was no longer involved with the "Gang" want to be's.

Wow, what a scary situation. Your fear for your son makes total sense. I posted a discussion asking how we should deal with gang violence in light of the unraveling of the Minneapolis Metro Gang Strike Force (an arm of the police department in my area), and I'd love your input in the conversation. You have such invaluable first-hand experience in the topic, and I really think your perspective would add a lot to the conversation. Anyway, if you'd like to comment and get a chance, I'd really appreciate it. What's the best thing that we can do to help our society as a whole back to a good place and away from gang violence? Thanks so much!