Mental Health Update

 As some of you may know from previous posts, my boyfriend and I broke up on New Year's Day, and there have been a lot of different feelings cropping up as a result of this.  I think for me, the most difficult thing has been feeling like I am a failure; twice divorced, and now this breakup-I have loved deeply and been seriously involved with three men in my lifetime, and all three relationships have ended, and that feels depressing to me.  I keep thinking that I am making positive steps forward in my life, through both my recovery (AA) work and therapy and also a lot of internal work I have been doing on my own, but then something like this happens and I realize a few choice things: I still suck at choosing men, I still don't believe I am lovable, and I can't have hope, because it hurts too bad to have it tossed out the window and trampled on.  My heart, despite the tough, calm, no-nonsense exterior, is very fragile, and I just can't DO this anymore.

 At the same time, my life is really good, and I think this is where the progress has really become noticeable; I don't think that because I don't have a man in my life that my life doesn't have value, which was always the case in the past.  I learned from childhood that I was to keep a man at any cost and that was the only way to be happy (mom has been married seven times, so you know where I got THAT idea!) and take care of my family.  I also learned from the same time period that men would hurt you and then leave, so it is no wonder I am pretty screwed up when it comes to relationships.  However, I know now that the sadness and the despair and the feelings of self-pity are only temporary, and that they will pass.  Much like the urge for a cigarette (thanks for the analogy, April!), they are feelings that can be worked through and don't last.  I also know that I am NOT alone; I have great friends, both in real life and online; I have my AA group who loves me unconditionally, I have family and a job I am great at, all sorts of really great things going on in my life.  For probably the first time in my adult life, I can really acknowledge that circumstances might suck, but that life is still elementally good. 

I have a really strong faith, and that helps.  I am not talking about the "Hallelujah let's go to church every Sunday and tell the sinners they are going to hell" kind of faith, but the deep, quiet faith that every decision I make, good or bad, is part of a path I am walking, and that at some point in the future, I will know where I was supposed to have been heading.  I also believe that all of my needs-financial and otherwise-will be provided for; I know that no matter how angry or hurt or sad I feel sometimes, the feelings are necessary in order to help me process them and move forward.  Basically, when I have depression and anger or when money gets tight, it is usually because I have decided that I can do better than the old HP (Higher Power) can and decide to take over; ii is only when I accept the reality of the situation and say, "Okay, I get it, I don't KNOW anything" that things start to improve.

I do believe that everything in life is inextrcialbe intertwined; I believe that everything we do matters, whether it be in our own life or in others.  I believe that even the decision to turn left instead of right on the way home has consequences that I may never know.  And even though it sounds like I am a little off and need, perhaps, strong medication and a straitjacket (though really, white is NOT my color...you know, winter, no tan, I just blend!), I believe wholeheartedly that HP will talk to me and teach me and guide me everystep of the way if I let him.

So I am sad today, but also feeling really good and strong, with the knowledge that my life is right where it is supposed to be for this moment.  Tomorrow I might post about how much my life sucks and get on the pity pot or justfeel really sad and despairing, but today?  Today is GOOD.