Moved by Clinton's Tears, bin Laden Surrenders

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan. Moved by New York Senator Hillary Clinton's televised tears on the New Hampshire campaign trail, Osama bin Laden today surrendered to U.S. troops saying he could no longer stand in the way of world peace.

bin Laden: "Please--stop with the waterworks!"

"I am not heartless," bin Laden said in a shaky voice, apparently weak from the fugitive existence he has been living as the world's most wanted terrorist since 2001. "I cannot bear the sight of a woman's tears, even one with a pouffy frost job that should be covered up by a burkah."

Clinton: "I got what I wanted, so what's the big deal?"

Clinton's tears were triggered by a question from Marianne Pernold Young, a freelance photographer from Portsmouth, N.H. "How do you keep upbeat and so wonderful and beautiful and smart at the same time--is it like having two programs running on a computer or harder, like riding a unicycle while juggling?" Young asked.

Marianne Pernold Young: "Did I already mention that you're brilliant?"

Clinton initially responded in an upbeat manner, saying "Thank you very much for that extremely thoughtful and intelligent question", before turning emotional:

SEN. HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON (D-NY), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: "I have so many opportunities from this country. I just don't want to see us fall backwards and . . . and Bill and I have to go back to Arkansas and work in a Stuckey's dishing praline ice cream sundaes to fat little redneck brats."

Giuliani: "Why doesn't anybody ever ask me about my hair?"

Republican party officials criticized the question as a possible plant, a practice that Clinton's campaign has admitted to in the past, but bin Laden discounted that possibility. "It's a chick thing," he said through an interpreter. "Women are always asking silly things like 'Don't you look nice?' that aren't really questions. Men just have to work harder on their social skills."

Senator Mike Gravel (D-Unknown)

But Clinton's Democratic rivals weren't ready to let her off the hook so easily. "If she's going to break down over a stupid softball question," said Mike Gravel, former U.S. Senator from Alaska, "I don't know how she's going to stand up to genuine evil like the lunch ladies in the White House mess."