For My Friend April

My friend April had a conference at her daughter's school this morning due to a personal situation happening in their lives right now.  I say right now, but really, this is just another symptom of an ongoing problem.  She emailed me a little while ago, full of self-doubt and recrimination, and lots and lots of tears and anger and hopelessness, and it breaks my heart.  For her, because she doesn't EVER deserve to feel this way.  For myself, for the same reasons, and for all of the other women out there in this same boat.  You can read her blog (formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com) here for a little bit more information about her life, but this is what I want to tell her today:

You are a strong, wonderful, beautiful woman who works her ass off on daily basis to provide everything your kids need and an awful lot of what they want.  And it is NOT your fault that their father is a drug addict and a criminal and a loser.  We live in a world where it is SO easy for people to look at your life and tell you everything you did or are doing wrong, but the truth of it is that you are dealing, every day, with the repercussions that come from having made the decision to both love AND to leave an addict. For this you should be commended, not denigrated.  You married and loved him in good faith, not knowing in advance how it was going to turn out.  You gave it everything you had and then some, and when you realized nothing was going to change, you got tough and you left.  That is smart thinking, and I wish more women would give themselves permission to leave (for any women reading this who might be living that life, get some help and get out.  He isn't going to change unless he is REALLY active in some kind of recovery program, and you can't make him get there).  No matter how hard it is, you did the right thing, the best thing, for both yourself and your daughters.  Every day, every minute, you are the responsible, present parent; you make the best decisions you can based on the information you have, and maybe they aren't the same decision that someone else might make, but they are not in your shoes.  Others have no idea what it is like to have to be the sole supporter of your children; not just in a physical sense, but you are also the one responsible for making sure they are emotionally and mentally healthy, and you are doing a damn fine job of it. 

It is so easy for other people to look down on us, you and me, and say "YOU are why our nation's family values are going down the toilet.  You single parents are more a drain on the economy than outsourcing jobs."  Sweetie, you and I both know how untrue that it; you and I both know firsthand that the poor family values in this country can be directly attributed to men who willingly abandon their reponsibilities, who walk away and leave us to do the job we committed to sharing when we got married.  We also know that the REASON we sometimes need help is because we don't get the child support we are supposed to get, and that we aren't offered the same kinds of job as either our male OR married counterparts.  So let them talk; ket them look down at us and say it is all our fault, but inside we have to hold onto our truths.

You are something-someone-absolutely incredible, and please don't forget that.  Don't let your girls manipulate you into feeling like every single problem THEY have is your fault.  Help them to be angry at the person who IS responsible, and love them enough to let them know that anger doesn't negate love.  I know it sucks; life isn't fair sometimes-MOST of the time-but you are NOT a failure, in any way.  It feels like that, but just the fact that you get up in the mornings, suit up, and show up makes you a heroine to me.  Not everyone can and will do it, but you do, and you do it well.  This, too, shall pass, and in the meantime?  you can vent to me, cry to me, and also bolster me up when I need it as well; that is the kind of stuff that is going to make everyone else look and feel like the pinheads they really are.  Because we ARE strong and beautiful and wonderful, asn we WILL succeed.

 NEW INFO: I tried to get the link to work and it kept coming up as unavailable, so her blog is formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com.  She is a pretty amazing woman ans I encourage all of you to read her stuff.