Hello, My Future Girlfriend

Idon't want a relationship. I am sorry, but I am just not ready. I wouldnot want to inflict myself upon you like this, I like you too much forthat, though I don't know you yet. (Do I?) I don't quite know when Iwill be ready. It is more a matter of individual progress than aspecific time frame, but Zack claims that I should keep from dating forat least three months to avoid the tragedy of rebound crushes. As I amwriting this, I have no idea how I will feel when you read this, but Ifeel it best to give you fair warning, a description of the luggage,and let you make an educated decision.

Iam not looking to date as an end in itself, though I am going to. I amlooking for a partner in crime, in art, in life, in bed. I don't havethe slightest interest in sleeping around or drunken snogging withsomeone I don't cherish. I have spent over seven years building a lifewith someone. I was three months from marrying her and a breath fromspending the rest of my life with her, if you get the distinction. I amnot looking for you to replace her. Each love is unique and fortifying.I consider you for yourself, will not covertly or overtly be asking youto try on Emily's shoes in any way. She took them or I gave them away.

Muchas I would love to have you move in or move in with you--I have neverofficially lived on my own and I like having the possibility of someonebeing there when I come home--there is almost no chance that wouldremotely be a good idea. It would just be rushing things and would notbe in our respective or collective best interests. Being with me isn'tgoing to be easy or comfortable as it could be for a while, until I amfinished healing. I don't have the slightest interest in being anyone'sproject or burden. You deserve better. You have to.

Hereis what I can offer you. I am quick and witty. I use humor as a copingmechanism and method of honesty. I flirt with people without meaninganything more than that I want them to know that they are special to mefor that one moment. I miss having cats (I will miss having cats, sincethey are presently cuddled against my feet as I write this) but I amnot getting new pets because I prefer to only be responsible for humanbeings. I love children, but I like giving them back at the end of theday. I have had exactly three sexual partners in the last decade andlifetime. I loved them all, better and more healthily each time. Ihave, however, kissed more than twenty-five girls, the vast majoritybetween the ages of 14 and 17. I don't regret this, as I feel it hasmade me realize exactly want I am looking for in a romantic partnershipand killed any urge for infidelity. I may cop a quote from Palahniukand say that self-improvement is masturbation, but I am always sandingand refinishing my soul. At that, I don't think masturbation is dirtyand I wish it were taught to children in middle school so they would beable to get out their newfound horniness without involving others.Within my apartment, I will forget to wear clothes, as I sleep nude andam often struck with brilliant ideas while I am showering. I don'tpretend I am a good person but I don't have to pretend that I want tobe. I have narrowed my self-adhering identity stickers down to "Writer"and "Partner/Friend:" I want to be good at these things. Beyond thosethings, I am fairly fluid in my identity. No,not even fluid. I am agas, not a solid, and tend to be able to find the humor and antecedentsin things more quickly because I am not concentrated in any one placeor time. I am not vindictive or angry. I will bear a hurt a week beforeunnecessarily causing someone else pain. I don't fight, I discuss. Ifyou cannot discuss and cannot bear productively creating a resolution,you are going to have a hard time with me. If you yell at me, I willlikely just address you more logically and calmly but withdraw. Once Ilove someone, I will keep loving them no matter what bad decisions theymake in life or in regards to me. This does not always mean that I likethem. I like college towns, I do not miss being in college. I like cornchips and hummus, like the UN in my mouth. I wanted to be lusted afterand seduced. I like being slightly bitten. I like talking dirty withoutmeaning a word of it. I like better if you like it. I like writing sexystories that I won't show anyone. In a committed relationship, I amgood, giving, and game for most anything, though try to give me somewarning before breaking out exotic toys. If I have sex with you, thisis a big step in my telling you that I imagine I am spending the restof my life with you. I find belly dancers a hundred times sexier thanstrippers. I am not terribly focused on my gender identity--I've beentold I read as androgynous--but I love women exclusively. I am notjealous unless given reason to be, at which point I will simply askrather than fuming and feeling horrid. If you don't talk to me aboutsomething, I have to try very hard not to keep reintroducing the topic.I will respect and keep your secrets until the moment to allow me toshare them. I secretly care about things like honor, not in the waywhich I fight duels over insults but in that I want to keep my word. Ilove my friends and family and want you to love them too. I cherishhonestly and do my best not to lie. I will tell you that this isbecause I won't be able to write about anything I lie about. I amoccasionally arrogant according to my parents. I am allergic to dust,pet dander, and shellfish, which will cause me to become red eyed andgrumpy in high concentrations. I half-believe in a dozen differentthings. I want you to respect what I believe, even if it is weird, evenif I act like I don't. I really do think my silver dragon ring isimportant to my health and safety, though I will pawn this belief offon my mother if you act skeptical. I wear a different pendant dependingon the personal work I am trying to do. I know at first sight whetheror not I will like someone and there is little the person can do ineither direction to change that regard. I talk during movies, butalmost always just a wry whisper in your ear to connect this momentwith a shared experience or inside joke. I like popcorn during moviesand will ignore it most other times. I like Chinese food and freshbuffet sushi, but will try almost anything. I write about my life as ameans of therapy; I will write about anyone I adore. Some find thisunwelcome or off-putting and these people tend to independently fadefrom my life before long. I have mastered various adult arts--washingdishes, doing laundry, paying bills on time, etcetera-but I have yet tobecome a good cook. I believe in family, even if that family doesn'tshare any genes. I am tainted by screenwriters and authors intobelieving in social constructs that are rare at best.

In the past, in the post-Katean period, I made a listof what I looked for in a girl. Some of the conditions apply, some donot, but I will detail something a bit more narrative. I want apartner, as I said, someone delightful with whom to share nights anddays. Someone to whisper to the angels hovering over every blade ofgrass. Someone to join me on moonlit nights when the air is velvet andfireflies flicker from the trees. I have pictures in my head ofarchetypes, but what they are wearing and how the are behaving mattermore than anything physical. I told someone fairly recently that I feltI could, if given enough time, love anyone who could initially interestme. Such an interesting person is lovely and awkwardly confident. Sheknows what she would like out of life and will relentlessly pursue it.She will support me in doing the same. She will believe in love as themost concrete abstract, will have faith in the power of true love theway zealots do of Jesus. She will dance and sing when the mood strikesher, under the noon sun or the grocery store's frozen food aisle. Shewill foster a little bit of chaos in her soul, but always keep it incheck, never letting it consume her. She won't let others be forced toconclude that I'm the stable one. I want to be proud of her, to be ableto brag to everyone about how amazing she is. I am not possessive andwill find it curious at the very least if someone feels toopossessively of me, though I revel in being told that I am someoneelse's. There is a difference in that.

Ican't really give anymore qualities than that. I love people for whothey are, for where they have been in their lives and how thoseexperiences have shaped them and brought them into my life. I neverconsidered loving a martial artist or a pipe smoker, but I have doneboth of those things in my life. Beyond the core, that glowing essenceof everything truly important, everything else about someone isfascinating trivia that I will spend a lifetime memorizing in my soul.Once you have seen the center and know how to get there, walking thelabyrinth is just a lovely pastime.

Originally posted at http://www.xenex.org/journal/20080104.php