The Birth of an Idea: To Live and Think in L.A.

Much of this book was written during what turned out to be one of the most romantic periods of my life: when I was doing a six-month production stint away from my family in Los Angeles. I know that doesn't sound terribly romantic, so perhaps I should explain.
I was filming a television program for the Discovery Health Channel that helped couples in long-term relationships overcome diffi cult hurdles. During this time, my wife Lisa and son Owen came out from New York to visit for long weekends, which never seemed long enough. In between, Lisa and I had resorted to "drastic measures"-naughty emails, breathy late-night phone calls-reminding me of exactly what I was missing on the sizzling island of Manhattan. 

When I returned to New York, Lisa surprised me with a "welcome home" dinner, inviting a number of our closest friends. After we were mellowed on merlot and mingling, I half-jokingly asked one of my wife's oldest friends and her husband if they wanted to participate in my pro¬gram of limiting sex to boost libido.

"Are you kidding me?" cracked Thea. "When it comes to not having sex, you could take our picture and put us on the cover of your book." Then they chuckled away their discontent with wine.

I turned to Steve, Thea's husband. "When was the last time you were able to feel close and connected to each other without feeling like there was something missing from your marriage, without being painfully aware of what was lacking?"

"Not since Brian was born. What was that, around three years ago, sweetie?" he replied, to which she nodded with sullen embarrassment.

So I seized the opportunity to explain. "What if you could turn that on its heels? Make not having sex sexy? What if instead of pretending you were exhausted or sick or too stuffed from dinner or watching a documentary on whale migration patterns, you could embrace and recharge your sense of intimacy by not having sex-you know, transform it into something you were not doing together?"

They were intrigued, so naturally I pressed: "What if the two of you became achingly aware of not touching each other, of not kissing, of not making love, to the point that one more moment of not being entangled in each other's arms made you feel like a tight coil ready to spring? What if instead of avoiding sex, you promised to ache in longing to revel in that first touch, that first kiss, to conjure up that extraordinary sense of self- and mutual discovery you once felt as teenagers, but this time with each other?" (I might have been a little less eloquent than this at the time, but I was certainly as passionate!)

"That's a nice idea," said Steve, "but we all know that's impossible."

And that's when I told them: Not only was it possible, it was theirs for the taking. All it required was a decision-they had to be ready to rebuild their libidos from the inside out with that explosive sense of intellectual cu¬riosity, emotional hunger, and physical longing that was present long before they'd begun to worry about mortgages, nursery schools, and love handles.

A mere few days into the detox program, they were rapt instead of laughing. As they went through the process Steve brimmed with sudden desire for a woman he'd taken for granted for as many years as I'd known him. In a matter of days, his wife Thea had been transformed from that comfortable female friend on the sofa beside him to a mysterious, forbidden temptress, capable of igniting his deepest desires.

What I told Steve and Thea that evening is what I'm going to tell you now: Rather than accept the rote menu of sexuality we've screwed ourselves into, you can have the magical, mysterious sex life you've always dreamed of. But to get there, you'll have to deprive your senses in order to feel the full intensity of your aches and longings. Instead of blocking out the fact that you're not having sex, you're going to focus on exactly how that deprivation impacts you at the most visceral level.

Although I call this program a sex detox, its benefits extend well beyond the bedroom. How you love is ultimately an expression of how well you know and love yourself. You will find that the Detox inspires you to engage hidden parts of yourself, bringing to the forefront all of the issues you have with love, sex, dating, general self- esteem, and conflicts that inhibit your desire and ability for intimacy. If there's emotional scar tissue that surrounds your heart, it will be stripped away, rendering you vulnerable but open to positive change. Emotional toxins will be released, revealing patterns of behavior that are masks for deeper fears that have long been hidden.

Learn more about this book throughout January in the Bright Ideas from Bestselling Authors group on Gather.