"Bush has said, if necessary, he'll not hesitate to bomb the Canary Islands."
The United States has a border problem. Until we tighten up our immigration policy and its enforcement, we're subjecting ourselves to economic strain as well as being more vulnerable to a possible-maybe-might-happen bird flu pandemic. I know a lot of people don't agree with me, but I'm willing to stand up and be counted among those who are against - ILLEGAL AVIANS!
Every year millions of foreign feathers flap into our national airspace with no documentation and no visible means of support. They land here, eat our food and mess up our lawns; some even claim protection under the Endangered Species Act, passed by Congress to corral the animal lovers' vote. In typical election haste, Washington forgot to stipulate that this Act covers Native American species only. Uncountable numbers of birds have been flocking through that loophole ever since, putting us smack in the middle of a winged immigration crisis.
Some say illegal avians are filling environmental niches that American birds such as chickens and turkeys and starlets don't want. Others say our avian economy would fall apart without this seasonal fly-in of undocumented labor. American birds look down their beaks at jobs like working in the field of insect pest control.
However, when asked about this topic, most immediately mention the increased risk of bird flu. While I'm against illegal avians and certainly against the flu, I must admit there's more hype than substance to this particular health scare.
Let's talk turkey: So far there have been 169 cases of bird flu in humans, leading to 91 deaths. This means, as one of 6 billion people, you stand a better chance of dying from eating an egg salad sandwich. The avian flu is only dangerous if the virus mutates so it can be transmitted from person to person. While this can happen, it's unlikely unless the birds infected here are really people, like Big Bird or any of those man-sized avian sport team mascots.
There is a lot of advice from government agencies about how to prepare for an upcoming avian flu pandemic. What a relief! If the government is GETTING READY for an outbreak, it can mean only one thing: ain't gonna happen. Didn't get ready for Katrina - it happened. Didn't get their counterintelligence act ready to prevent 9/11 - it happened. Cheney didn't say, "ready, aim" before "fire" and it happened to his friend's face.
If the government is worried, I'm not. Besides, our president always has a plan: Bush has said, if necessary, he'll not hesitate to bomb the Canary Islands. If that fails, there's always Cheney's shotgun - the man practices defending our country every chance he gets. Meanwhile, we should pray this virus remains strictly for the birds.
In the unlikely case there is an outbreak of avian flu, here is some information you need to know:
Q: What's a pandemic?
A: An epidemic is when a lot of people get a disease; a pandemic is when a few don't.
Q: How do I avoid getting bird flu?
A: To prevent contacting the disease from infected birds, the World Health Organization recommends one avoid intimate contact with all birds. This includes that cute trick where you feed Tweetie grapes from your mouth. And you farm boys, you know what you should stop doing. Right now!
Q: Can I eat poultry during a pandemic?
A: Tricky question. An infected chicken tastes like, well, a chicken. If you must eat poultry, go to a fast food restaurant that serves chicken surrogates made out of Styrofoam and are, therefore, not legally chickens. So far, there have been no documented cases of Styrofoam Flu.
Q: How do I protect my pet bird from avian flu?
A: No more play dates for your parakeet and keeping your birds indoors will help. To be 100% sure: send them to Antarctica for the duration. As for pet chickens, they can always turn into soup and drink themselves.
What I don't understand is that two oceans protect the Americas. If the birds are sick, how can they fly 3,000 plus miles to infect us? When I have the regular flu, I can barely make it across the hall to the bathroom.
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Comments: 85
Perhaps candidates in future presidential debates will address this pressing issue.
Going off to work on my WIP, the scene with the talking cat. Maybe I could discuss with him a plan for corralling illegal avians.
Good luck with the writing but take care. You may recall that a talking cat ran away with my NaNoWriMo plot for more than a week.
1. Do they all taste the same once you get that buffalo sauce on 'em?
2. When my elderly aunt was on a cruise that went around the world to India and China, she took cans of Chicken, not Chicken of the Sea. because she didn't want to eat those strange long legged chicken. Sounds like good advice to me.
3. Is Chicken of the Sea made from aquatic birds?
Okay by the end it was three, but it started out as only two. Really curious about #3 btw.
1] Yes
2] You're saying your aunt took out food to China? There's a role reversal.
3] First of all, Chicken of the Sea isn't made, it's grown. Second, it is comprised of Chicken McNuggets fisherman throw overboard as chum.
Let's see (I'm checking Congress's record for getting things done.)
OK, you're safe through 2012.
Damn. He's going to be very disappointed.
Remind him he could be dinner. I suspect that will stem the complaints.
As Dave Barry has pointed out, "Canada has a bustling population of more than 27 million, if you include members of the wolverine family." :)
In fact:
How To Deal With Illegal Avians
Good thing you didn't do an article on say "Illegal Ice Cream Peddlers on Bicycles".
2. I don't have a pet bird, right now.A Flu Shot By My Doctor. And;
3. Turkey has tryptophane--I sleep pret-ty good. Nite, nite. Turkey salad sandwich for lunch kicking in...
Yeah, turkey does it for me. It becomes a hard decision at Thanksgiving. Another helping of turkey or stay awake during football. The turkey usually wins.
Seriously, there's no substitute for responsible journalism unless it's expediency.
Only to Jessica Simpson.
Beware of armchair pundits bearing fake biology.
Though, I must admit, fake biology is a fertile field for the humorist. Dave Barry used it a lot and he didn't even have a degree in fake biology.
Fight the flu, eat a bird!
(And if you can't bring yourself to slaughter and pluck one of our fine, feathered friends -- or even buy one previously slaughtered and plucked -- just ask our British friends: there's more than one way to "eat a bird".)
BTW: I am Canadian and we are getting ready to send another load of snowbirds your way. Enjoy!)
But what do we do about the snowbirds? Raise their rent?
You need to write a book, John.
Rest easy
In the comedy world, c'est ne fait rien — that's French for knowledge, schmowledge.
Next week try one of those Hawaiian geese - nene or something like that.
BTW everyone, don't forget to spay and neuter your birds. How does one spay or neuter a bird? Crazy talk here.
Wait, that's a biology knowledge question. Where's Mark?
I would like to say sorry for taking a while to get to your article. I have been away from gather for a while and I am finally getting to the 3000 plus emails I have awaiting me on here to go through. so I am starting from the most recent received to the first I ever received.... So now I am finally able to read your piece. Thank you for sending me the link to this article.
Now second thing:
I am sorry I am a bit confused by this conversation... What exactly are we talking about... I think some how I got lost early in this article and never regain my proper train of thought... So I apologize for not getting your article. But I figured I would just be honest. Maybe my brain decided to take a nap with out letting me know though.
I'm not hopeful the Man vs. Mosquito conflict will ever be resolved.
If it doesn't, take that nap. :)